(Hawkeye, with B.J. brings in Winchester, who HIMSELF has the mumps!)
But what can you give a man who has everything, including the mumps? - His very own roomie! - So here he is now Charles Emerson Winchester the puffed.
S8Heal Thyself
(looking at Potter's painting)
At least the other doctors have something to do. The only activity I am allowed is talking.
Winchester, the artistic temperament is a delicate thing. So clam up, you yahoo!
I do not understand why you are allowed your pleasures, and I am not allowed mine!
Because my pleasures are a little more on the quiet side!
Ah! That is either a horse or the RCA building.
It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!
Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!
Major, go about your business.
I have no business.
Take a nap.
I'm not sleepy!
Just listen to yourself yammer. That'll snap those eyelids shut in a flash.
Even the most despicable convict is allowed the basic pleasures of life. - But not I.
Don't rile me, Winchester. My face gets any redder, somebody's gonna get whopped.
Threaten all you want, I can't take anymore. I demand my rights. I'm going to play my music.
Don't touch that dial.
I need this music to nourish my fading hope that truth and beauty still exist. Viva Caruso-- [ Gags ]
I'm warning you. Eighty-six that Italian!
I have nothing left to lose!
(Caruso)
That tears it!
What are you gonna do?
I'll decide when I get there.
No, Colonel. - Oh, no!
Oh, yes!
(Potter yanks the Caruso record off the record player and throws it out of the tent, where it smashes against a jeep!)
(Winchester and Potter are playing gin, and are still at one another's throats)
Gin.
Again? Colonel, it hardly requires an advanced degree in differential calculus to master the numerical sequence of ace, deuce, trey. Fifty-four points, record.
Oh, shut up and deal. I can't remember the last hand I won.
Oh, really? Having won so few I should think they'd stand out in your memory.
On second thought, I think I'll read a little and then turn in. Some Zane Grey maybe.
(sarcastically) Ah, Zane Grey. Tolstoy with spurs.
He happens to be a great writer!
Colonel, what gin rummy is to games of skill Zane Grey is to literature. Therefore, I shall counter with something civilized-- Caruso.
En-riko Caruso? The singer?
Why, yes, I do believe he sings.
Nix on that. I hate opera!
Colonel, a closed mind is an empty mind. All I ask is that you listen, and I assure you you will be carried away on majestic clouds of musical rapture.
(Caruso Singing In Italian)
That guy sounds like a banshee in a bear trap. [Stops]
Sir! This man is one of the giants of serious music.
If I want music-- I'll send for my Tex Ritter 78s. If I want a giant, I'll send for Mel Ott!
Well, I don't know Mr. Ott's work but cowboy crooners, even one so noteworthy as ol' Tex can hardly be mentioned in the same breath with the immortal Enrico Caruso!
Oh, yeah? If you wanna match windpipes, can that Caruso guy yodel?
Not even at gunpoint!
S8Old Soldiers
It's a tragedy people have to eat horses, they're beautiful animals. You ever take a peek at a cow or a pig? They're ugly. We're doing them a favor by eating 'em . Saves 'em the agony of looking at their reflections in the trough every morning. But a horse, that's a noble beast. Why, in the cavalry, a man's steed was his best friend, a real companion. Where do people get off making pork chops out of them? Too much killing in this world, too much death. No respect for people, for tradition, for life. The whole world is spinning down the tubes and nobody even seems to notice. I don't know, I...(breaking off due to the looks of the others)
(in the lab preparing tetanus shots for the Korean children)
OK, ten shots, one every two hours.
Ah, a mere twenty hours 'til we are released from the munchkin horde.
BBJ
Charles, have you been hoarding munchkins again?
S8Morale Victory
You two baboons spoiled a swell movie!
No, we didn't! It's been here so long, it's spoiled by itself.
EEveryone
Yeah!
BBJ
I've seen better film forming in my soup.
Yeah? Well I happen to think this is a fine piece of celluloid. As a matter of fact, it's mine and Mildred's favorite. Mildred loves Charles Boyer. This is a war, you know! Be grateful that we got a talkie!
We are, but don't you think we deserve a little decent entertainment?! God knows everything else around here stinks!
Potter (sarcastically): Evening Captains Heckle and Jeckle, I would have been here sooner but I stopped to watch the dancing in the streets.
S8Lend a Hand
(discussing a surprise birthday party for Hawkeye in the Swamp)
What about we do something civilized?
Like what?
Like sipping sherry while musicians play a string trio by Franz Josef Haydn. Or perhaps, someone with a trained voice could read selections from Edna St. Vincent Millay.
This is for Pierce?
BBJ
Oh he'd love it once we got him tied to the chair.
That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I don't wanna be entertained by somebody with three names unless it's Gypsy Rose Lee.
This cultural commentary is brought to you by Maxwell "Swinish" Klinger.
Wait! Put away your thinking caps, I got it. Imagine if you will the world's biggest salami.
We don't have to imagine it, Klinger, we're looking at it.
S8Goodbye, Cruel World
I think our job might be a little easier than yours, Sidney. At least we can always see where they're bleeding.
Now why the devil would I scribble my John Hancock 47 times?
Ah, you were sleepwalking sir. I didn't want to wake you. I thought it might be dangerous.
Probably would've been. Thanks for clearing that up for me Corporal. By the way...you put too much swoop on the T.
S8Dreams
Have yourself a nice long rest and be back here in twelve minutes.
(Falling asleep, after Garvey has refused to send him any ambulances)
I'm too old for this. I've got children telling me I can't play with their toys.
GCGeneral Coogan
(on the phone) Lieutenant, I'm sure you have a sound reason for not sending those ambulances into combat.
LGLt. Garvey
Yes, sir!
GCGeneral Coogan
Well, why don't you come down here in the flesh and tell me what it is?
LGLt. Garvey
In the flesh, sir?
GCGeneral Coogan
You wouldn't mind that, now, would you, Lieutenant?
LGLt. Garvey
They're on their way to you right now, sir!
GCGeneral Coogan
Thank you, Lieutenant...(hangs up phone, to Col. Potter) You see, he'll let us have those ambulances. He just wants to save his caboose!
S8Back Pay
Okey-dokey?
Colonel, I...
Say "okey-dokey," Major.
Okey...dokey.
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