What's the announcement, Radar?
It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.
S3Bulletin Board
Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.
S3The Consultant
Bring me back something.
No chance. We're gonna be careful.
Colonel, you are not listening to me!
Uh, you'll have to speak a little louder, Frank. I'm not listening to you.
S3House Arrest
Hawkeye (referring to his prisoner of war package): Father, why?
Oh, according to the Geneva Convention, each prisoner is entitled to this package. You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin, a wash cloth, and four Oreo cookies.
Father, that's for a prisoner of war. I'm one of ours.
In the eyes of the Lord, a prisoner's a prisoner.
Well, thanks. And in your prayers, thank the big fella for me.
Oh, MacArthur had nothing to do with it.
Hawkeye (watching a movie): What; what'd I miss?
Cornel Wilde just kissed Gene Tierney.
On the teeth?
Right smack on.
If he straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him.
S3Aid Station
Hawkeye (about breakfast): This looks familiar.
I once cut that up in med school.
What's this morning's breakfast?
Last night's dinner.
Great, that was yesterday's lunch.
[Hawkeye and Trapper prepare one last toast]
Shall we drink to Douglas MacArthur or Ish Kabibble?
I don't know, they both mean so much to me.
No kidding, let's drink to something important.
HTHawkeye and Trapper
To the Ritz Brothers!
Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do.
[Hawkeye, Margaret, and Klinger arrive at the remains of the aid station]
You'd never know this is an aid station.
CDCapt. Dever
Our red cross got blown off with the roof.
I finally make a house call and the house is gone.
Damn Stalin, Truman, whoever!
S3Love and Marriage
(talking to Dr. Pak)
Are you still doing those phony operations with the fake stitches?
And using hair cream for penicillin?
I examined one of your patients, Doctor. He still had pneumonia, but I must say, you cleared up his dandruff.
You know sir, you just might go down in medical history.
PPak
How so?
As the first Doctor ever to set two broken legs, and both of them his own.
S3Big Mac
As adjutant and assistant chief surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation.
How splendid, Major.
Very good, Frank.
Lovely.
Then it's settled. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.