Radar O'Reilly quotes from M*A*S*H

Hawkeye

A lot of nice songs came out of that war. [He starts singing] I'll be home for Christmas. You can count on me. [He pauses] You know that song?

Radar

No, I guess that was a little before my time.

Hawkeye

[rubbing his eyes]: I remember lying on the rug, listening to the singing on the radio. I can still smell the rug. [He continues singing] Please have snow... and mistletoe... [a trace of moisture appears in his eye] ... And presents on the tree... [He glances again at Radar. Radar himself glances around] A lot of very touching songs came out of that war. [He sings again] When the Führer says 'We is the Master Race', we heil, pbt, heil, pbt, right in Der Führer's face...

Hawkeye

[looking for maps of the minefield] Why aren't they under "M"?

Radar

Because they're under "B" for "boom."

Radar

[during roll call] Major Frank Marion Burns.

[snickers] Marion.

Hawkeye

His folks wanted a boy.

Radar

[at show-end referring to sniper's thinking that he was firing on MacArthur's headquarters] Where do you think you're going to get a MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sake?

Frank

[awakening] What's going on?

Hawkeye

You have returned.

Hawkeye

"You risked your life for a . . . a ketchup on rye?!"

Radar

"With butter and lettuce!"

Henry Blake

Radar, what's going on?

Radar

It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.

Hawkeye

Sidney, front and center.

Sidney

I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch!

Henry

Don't tell me. I don't want to know about it. You guys have my full permission, and I never said that. I mean, I'm not even here, so how could I? Radar!

Radar

Sir?

Henry

Make an entry in the daily report that I wasn't here today, and bring it to me so I can sign it.

Radar

Uh, sir, if you sign it, it'll show you were here.

Henry

Then you sign it for me.

Radar

Yes, sir. Should I sign your name?

Henry

You'll have to, because I'm gonna say it was a forgery.

Radar

Hey, you got a good, strong arm there, Father.

Mulcahy

Well, you develop a lot of muscle wrestling with temptation.

Radar

Sir Captain Stone to see you.

My name isn't Stone, it's Martinez, but you can call me Pratt.

Henry

Oh Boy..but .Stone is definitely out.

Radar

Ottumwa, Iowa, sir--

General Steele

NO TALKING IN THE RANKS!

That's not a teddy bear?

Radar

Uh, yes, sir. Regulations against having the real kind.

What's the announcement, Radar?

Radar

It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.

Hawkeye

It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

Henry

Boy, I wish I knew what was going on.

Radar

I'll tell you later, sir.

Henry

You always say that, Radar, but you never do.

Henry

How'd you know my size?

Radar

(proudly) I traced you while you were asleep!

Hawkeye

Any diversion is welcome, except the diversions become routine. Crazy thing is, hell though it is, I think I feel closer to the people in this hospital than I've ever been to anybody else in my life, or ever expect to. [To bartender] Keep 'em coming, Kim.

On Hawkeye's tab?

Hawkeye

Right. I'm entertaining a client.

Radar

My teeth will turn purple.

Hawkeye

Women love that.

You know, I really can't wait to see the place.

Hawkeye

You can wait. You've heard of a military post? This is a compost. Everything we've got is surplus. The lice are surplus. Only the wounded are new. Supplies are a joke. The tedium is relieved only by the boredom. I can't think of a single reason why we're here, except we're needed. [The fight breaks through the window behind, with only BJ noticing] So, pitch in, muddle through, pip pip and the whole schmear. Ours not to reason why, ours not to let 'em die. Drink up, you're behind.

In other words, do your job as best you can, and shove...

Hawkeye

You got it. [Radar casually moves to the bar just as the fight crashes into their table] Please, I'm with friends.

Radar

[returning] They're all out of maraschino cherries.

Hawkeye

Kim, some more sake.