Radar O'Reilly quotes from M*A*S*H

Halt, who goes there?

Radar

It's the Colonel.

Oh, sorry, go ahead, sir.

Don't you want to know the password?

I already know it, sir.

Radar

[On the phone] I'm trying to get the shelling stopped, it's outgoing.

Hawkeye

That's OUR stuff?

Radar

Well, we can't let them have all the fun. [Another artillery explosion briefly dims the lights; Radar turns to the phone] Yeah, 386? Yeah, this is MASH 4077th, can you cut the heavy overhead stuff? We're a hospital here, we've got patien-! [Hears from the other end of the phone]

Hawkeye

What?

Radar

He's got a suggestion, but I think it's physically impossible.

Hawkeye

Give me that phone. [Takes the phone] Who is this?

Radar

Lt. Gage.

Hawkeye

Lt. Gage? Capt. Pierce, here. Listen, those shells of yours are bouncing our guys right out of their beds, give us a break, huh? We're on the same team! [Listens to Gage's response] Uh huh...[Hands the phone back to Radar]

Radar

What did he say?

Hawkeye

You're right, Radar. He's got a lot to learn about anatomy.

Father Mulcahy

Anyone heard they've spotted snipers near the camp?

Klinger

Pay no attention, Father. Just rumors.

Radar

Just a rumor.

Mulcahy

Huh. [Two gunshots hit the shower room they are in. Mulcahy hurries into the same stall that Radar is in] That "rumor" almost came through the door!

Radar

(waking up North Korean thinking he's Potter): Sir? Sir. Sir. Holy socks! (Bumps into Maj. Burns) Sir I didn't mean to wake you.

Frank

Wake me? You thought I was asleep? No I was just trying to see what our prisoner would do. I flushed him out of the woods.

Radar

Let me help you with your chocolate.

Frank

That's not chocolate!

Radar

Right it's not chocolate.

Hawkeye

Klinger, what civil war hero said "Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead." And please try to answer with less than the seven basic ballet movements.

Klinger

I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Tugarraf!

Hawkeye

"Tugarraf?!"

That's "Farragut." He said it backwards.

Hawkeye

Aha! True or false: You can reach the high notes of the "Star-Spangled Banner" by standing on your toes.

Klinger

That ain't part of the test!

Hawkeye

Yes, but how did you know?

Radar

He's cheating! He's got the answers written all over him!

Klinger

I am not! Those are tattoos! Leave me alone!

Hawkeye

No wonder he knows history like the back of his hand.

Gee Dad, talkies.

Mulcahy

Who's Walter?

Radar

Oh, that's my given name.

Hawkeye

Give it back.

Margaret

Make sure no one goes into my tent.

Radar

I wouldn't do that, Ma'am.

Margaret

SOMEBODY does.

Radar

Maybe it's rats.

Margaret

You think RATS have been trying on my undies?

Radar

Some of them rats are weird.

Klinger

My mother had those. Had a premonition about Pearl Harbor.

Radar

Did she tell anybody?

Klinger

She didn't have it 'til December 9th.

Radar

Sir there was just a Korean in here.

Frank

This country is crawling with Koreans. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Korean.

(talking to his wife on the phone): I'm perfectly fine mother. Yes it's just as Radar said, I'm at the Officers Club.

Radar

I'll have another beer.

Hawkeye

May I have the next tango Major?

Take it easy, the woman's not a nitwit. What's that Mother? Oh I do respect your preminitions. Yes it was you who said my sister'd go bald. Happily your wrong this time.

You people...

Radar

[running off] I'll get...

Get the phone, Radar. You people have been panicking over a rumor which says that the 4077th is bugging out. That is grade-A 100% bull cookies! You service people should know by now that scuttlebutt is as common as cooties in your skivvies! My apologies to those among us of the feminine gland and to our resident celibate, Father Mulcahy.

Mulcahy

Thank you, sir.

My pleasure, Now you take World War II. My unit got the word that Nazis, dressed as Eskimos, had overrun Seattle. Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it and began hoarding canned salmon. Now then, I have spoken personally to General Hamilton at Headquarters. I've known Bink Hamilton for going on thirty years. I am the godfather of his grandson, Sherman Potter Hamilton! Fifteen years old and can name 24 of the 48 states. Already has an appointment to West Point. The general has assured me there is nothing to worry about. M*A*S*H 4077 is definitely [Radar returns and hands the message to Potter, who reads...] bugging out in three hours! [Pause] BUG OUT!

Hawkeye

That's "counting the days."

Radar

"We are counting the days. All my love..." Major Burns.

Hawkeye

What?

Radar

Major Burns, coming this way.

Hawkeye

What happened?

Hop-a-long Ferret Face shot me!

Frank

Say, Beej, you're not gonna report me or anything, are you?

Hawkeye

Frank, stop acting like a sniveling idiot.

Frank

I'm not acting!

Get away from me!

Frank

Just promise you won't tell on me and get me in trouble. Huh? Please? Pretty please?

Hawkeye

We promise, Frank.

What happened here?

Hawkeye

Frank shot B.J.

Frank

Tattletale! Stool pigeon! Fink! Indian giver!

How bad is it?

Hawkeye

Superficial. Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman as he is a surgeon.

Burns

How's your horse, sir? When I was a kid, my daddy used to take me to the pony rides and---

(angrily) How did it happen, Burns?

Burns

You mean the, uh---?

Right!

Burns

I was cleaning my weapon and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan!

I see. So, naturally, you shot Captain Hunnicutt. (Radar giggles quietly)

Burns

Well, what's so funny, Corporal?

Radar

Sorry, sir.

Don't blame the boy Burns, He knows a good joke when he sees one.

Burns

Permission to look for Major Houlihan

Permission denied!

Burns

But I....

No!

Burns

I'll go wait in my tent!

All right, pipsqueak, how'd you know it was me?

Radar

Well, sir, you don't look anything like yourself. And since you're a master of disguises, I figure only you could look that much not like you.

I'll buy that. But if you cross me, you could get a "Number Eight."

Radar

(nervously) What's that?

Have you ever heard of the Malaysian chest-implosion torture?

Radar

No.

Good. Because there's no such thing. Yet.

Radar

Ooh, that's serious!

Hawkeye

Colic?

He says it could kill her. Her intestines are blocked; we need to keep her on her feet so they don't twist. And...we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.

Hawkeye

...I think I'll stroll on up to the front and see how the shooting's going.