Maxwell Klinger quotes from M*A*S*H

Why do you wear the uniform of a nurse?

Klinger

It's a disguise. I'm hiding from sanity.

That's crazy.

Klinger

See? It's working!

Klinger

Before I go in sir, I demand you send out a patrol to rescue my wardrobe.

Into the cave with the rest of the bats.

Folks around here were pretty fond of Henry Blake when he ran this fort, weren't they?

Klinger

Well, sure, the Colonel was a top notch kind of a guy.

You bet he was. And, I don't mind telling, you my first few days in his shadow were a mite uneasy. No one was jumping for joy over me. I was no Henry Blake, never tried to be. That didn't make me any better or worse, just different. The point is, the folks here gave me the time to take this job and make it Sherman Potter's. I guess I forgot that when you took over for Radar. What I'm trying to say is, you need the time to take this job and make it Max Klinger's. So, just do it. And, if you need some help, if you've got a question, just knock on my door. Is that clear, Max?

Klinger

Crystal, sir.

From now on- Radar's office is closed; Klinger's office is open.

OK, we'll open tomorrow.

What the heck is going-- put that thing down lady this is no hayride. Now what in the name of Beezlebub is goin on here? (everyone starts talking at once to explain and Colonel Potter holds up his arms for silence) Hold it down! (After everyone is quiet) Now that's more like it. Klinger this woman seems a little cranky.

Klinger

Actually sir it's very amusing.

Then how come Madame Pitchfork isn't laughing?

Hey, Father, can I make a confession?

Mulcahy

Certainly, Sergeant.

I murdered somebody...tomorrow.

Klinger

C'mon, I'm trying to help!

You wanna help? Die on your own.

Charles

Well, how would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy dark-haired olive picker?

Klinger

She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is. (Klinger storms out of the office)

Charles

Did I say something to offend him?

Boston, Massachussettes?

Charles

Yes! Yes. Boston, Massachussettes.

Now just hang on to your homburg Winchester. You come barrelling into your CO's bunkhouse, bellow at him like a berserk buffalo aggravating his anger and his hangover all because you want to bug out. How would you like to spend the rest of the war with a bull's-eye on your dome?

Charles

What about we do something civilized?

Klinger

Like what?

Charles

Like sipping sherry while musicians play a string trio by Franz Josef Haydn. Or perhaps, someone with a trained voice could read selections from Edna St. Vincent Millay.

Margaret

This is for Pierce?

Oh he'd love it once we got him tied to the chair.

Klinger

That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I don't wanna be entertained by somebody with three names unless it's Gypsy Rose Lee.

Charles

This cultural commentary is brought to you by Maxwell "Swinish" Klinger.

Klinger

Wait! Put away your thinking caps, I got it. Imagine if you will the world's biggest salami.

Charles

We don't have to imagine it, Klinger, we're looking at it.

Now why the devil would I scribble my John Hancock 47 times?

Klinger

Ah, you were sleepwalking sir. I didn't want to wake you. I thought it might be dangerous.

Probably would've been. Thanks for clearing that up for me Corporal. By the way...you put too much swoop on the T.

Mulcahy

Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!

Well, good morning Padre, or should I say, Padress.

Mulcahy

Colonel, there's no humor in this. While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this.... this.... housefrock!

Klinger

Better not take it off, Father. You'll be a defrocked priest!

Mulcahy

Klinger, how would you like the last rites? And a few lefts?

The Army is a breeze, once you get the hang of the Luther Rizzo secret of military success.

Klinger

What is it?

Never smile.

Klinger

Huh?

The Army hates to see a man grin. Makes them think they've failed somehow. But moan and groan and carry on, they'll leave you to your lonesome; long as they know you're miserable, they're happy.

Klinger

Hey, how come you got the easy job while we had to bust our buns?

Charles

Very well, Klinger. How do you spell "caution"?

Klinger

C-A-W...

Charles

I rest my case. When I have this sign finished, I'll hang one on this door, then I have to walk all the way around and put one on the other door

Klinger

K-A-W...?

Hawkeye

Now you've got it.

Klinger

Ah, Major Winchester, the party of one. Dinner is served.

Charles

[irked] What is this?

Klinger

Well, let me see: For your appetizer, the last of the macadamias, followed, by a mixed grill of Lebanese salami, sugar-cured ham, and hog jowls; we have seconds on those. Sorry sir, no smoked oysters; I just smoked the last one.

Charles

But I didn't-

Klinger

And for dessert, fresco fudge, and nutty fruitcake.

Charles

All laced with hemlock, I'm sure.

Klinger

Sorry, sir, no hemlock. But I can get you some ketchup.

Charles

And what, pray tell, is the catch of the day?

Klinger

[heading for the tent door] Oh, just one catch, Major.

Charles

Ah?

Klinger

The source of this Christmas dinner must remain anonymous. It's an old family tradition.

Charles

Thank you, Max.

Klinger

Merry Christmas. Charles.

Hawkeye

Klinger, come with me.

Charles

Klinger, you will do no such thing.

Hawkeye

I am trying to help that Marine and I need Klinger.

Charles

Oh, very well, you may have him. Have him back in an hour, though.

Klinger

My God, I've been traded.

Hawkeye

Thanks for the lovely peasant.

Klinger

So O Great Girth One, do you still want that valuable wine?

Charles

Do I still have a palate?

Klinger

I don't know and I'm not about to peek. I can get you five bottles, it'll run you forty per.

Charles

For--! My last offer was thirty.

Klinger

Consider it a cost of dying increase

Charles

I smell the distinct odor of profiteering.

Klinger

Try a little more soap.

Charles

But I also smell the delicate bouquet of a '37 Bordeaux. Your taking advantage of me. You know I'm an eonophile.

Klinger

Hey talk like that in the shower makes me nervous. Now do you want it or don't you?

Charles

Unfortunately I am at a disadvantaged position. You have me drinking out of the palm of your hand.