Maxwell Klinger quotes from M*A*S*H

Charles

Carbon paper in the safe, what brilliant foresight. In only two million years, it will turn into diamonds.

Klinger

Facetious, but erroneous.

Klinger

Klinger takes a mail order course in electronics, reasoning that television is the wave of the future "which means busted sets by the millions" and "Max Klinger will be there to reap the whirlwind of outrageous repair prices."

MArgaret

If those two clowns [Hawkeye and BJ) hear I got a rash my behind..I'll never hear the end of it!

Klinger

Surely Madame knows of my sincere sincerity? To me the words Houlihan and hubba hubba have always been synonymous. You are a vision of great loveliness even dripping as you are.

Margaret

If there's a point to this, get to it.

Klinger

I've unanimously chosen you to be the beauty editor of my paper.

Margaret

Your paper what?

Klinger

Paper news. "M*A*S*H Notes." Read it at your leisure and imagine how much better it would be with your very own beauty column: "About Faces."

Margaret

That's cute.

Klinger

Rosie, I need a favor.

Five dollars.

Klinger

I just wanna talk.

OK, three dollars.

Yes, I know I didn't sign the morning reports.

Klinger

Sir, it would be easier to remember to sign the reports instead of remembering you didn't sign them.

I'll remember that.

Watch the racket, Hunnicutt. This hospital is in a hospital zone.

Hawkeye Pierce is alive and well and living at battalion aid.

How do you know that?

He left his fingerprints are all over this guy.

Klinger

What are you talking about?

Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress stitches with white cotton sutures?

Klinger

Captain. You really are alive.

Hawkeye

Nah, that's just a vicious rumor.

Klinger

What are you working on?

Hawkeye

Just... catching up on some overdue paperwork (his will).

Klinger

Get some sleep! If there's one thing I've learned from being company clerk, there's no paperwork that can't wait until tomorrow.

Hawkeye

That's what I used to think.

Corporal, what's the proper procedure for filing a morning report?

Klinger

Yes, sir. The proper disposition of daily data, as per army regulation D252 Section R, Paragraph 6, is to fill it out, file one copy, forward the others, and faint if they actually get there. [The officers are stunned] Well, how did I do?

I just wonder if I'm getting what this painting is really all about: the camaraderie, the affection we have for each other. Oh, I'm getting the bodies all right, but I wonder if I'm getting the souls. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.

Klinger

Uh, I have to go sir. (he leaves)

Of course son. You know, you people have been closer than kinfolk to me, you make it almost bearable being over here.

Margaret

Excuse me sir please. (she leaves)

Surely. In a way, this painting is a way of sharing my Korean family with my family back home.

Mulcahy

Of course. Of course. (he leaves leaving Potter at a table by himself)

It ain't easy telling people how close you are to 'em when they aren't here.

Klinger

The Piranhas [Marines] have landed at Rosie's, and already we've got their first casualty!

Hawkeye

Uh, sorry, I don't remove tattoos.

Klinger

How about billiard balls?

What?!

Klinger

A Marine got one stuck in his mouth.

Now, that must have been some shot.

Hawkeye

Can he breathe?

Klinger

Oh yeah, he's fine; you need a bazooka to kill these guys. He bet someone that he could put a pool ball in his mouth and then take it out.

Well, he was half right.

Charles

Now, can we get on with this? I have some meaningless trivial business that is far more important.

Klinger

OK. I didn't want to take any chances so I hid our little product in a clever place. This is it. (holds up a hula hoop)

Charles

My word, you have invented the circle!

Klinger

Hey, guys. Did you know that Ted Williams is going home? I heard the Red Sox paid fifty thousand bucks to get him out of the Marines.

Charles

Boy, that's not what I heard. I heard it was seventy-five thousand and they sold Babe Ruth to the Navy.

Margaret

I think a party with a theme would be really cute.

Charles

Must we? Can't we just hand the poor man the mortgage, let him ignite it and go on about our business?

There's an exciting theme: apathy. What time shouldn't we be here?

Klinger

Aw, come on, Major. Didn't your folks do something special when they got their first house?

Charles

Yes. Yes they did. They fired the entire staff.

Klinger

Captains, I've been adding up some numbers.

Well, you'd better sit down, your fingers must be exhausted.