A character in M*A*S*H
Played by Jamie Farr
M*A*S*H · 691 quotes
6th most-quoted character in M*A*S*H: in 74 of its 691 quotes
Most scenes with: Colonel Potter (19), Charles Winchester (13), Hawkeye Pierce (11)
Anyone heard they've spotted snipers near the camp?
KlingerPay no attention, Father. Just rumors.
Just a rumor.
Huh. [Two gunshots hit the shower room they are in. Mulcahy hurries into the same stall that Radar is in] That "rumor" almost came through the door!
Klinger, what civil war hero said "Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead." And please try to answer with less than the seven basic ballet movements.
KlingerI'm thinking. I'm thinking. Tugarraf!
"Tugarraf?!"
That's "Farragut." He said it backwards.
Aha! True or false: You can reach the high notes of the "Star-Spangled Banner" by standing on your toes.
KlingerThat ain't part of the test!
Yes, but how did you know?
He's cheating! He's got the answers written all over him!
KlingerI am not! Those are tattoos! Leave me alone!
No wonder he knows history like the back of his hand.
(Several members of the 4077th are celebrating the birth of Potter's new granddaughter, Sherry.)
Lieutenant Kelly, that cigar is you.
(slightly drunk) To Sherry Pershing Potter, here's to a long and happy hitch!
Hear Hear!
Klinger(wearing Margaret's old negligee, carrying a tray of beer) Here we are, reinforcements, Colonel Grandpa!
Klinger, where'd you get that negligee?
KlingerI found it in the garbage.
War is such a waste!
Klinger, it's you!
(Everybody launches into a chorus of "Let Me Call You Sweetheart")
KlingerMy mother had those. Had a premonition about Pearl Harbor.
Did she tell anybody?
KlingerShe didn't have it 'til December 9th.
Some guys shoot themselves in the foot to get sent back home.
KlingerNot me. I'd ruin a perfectly good pair of nylons.
How can you see with those filthy glasses?
I know where everything is.
(seeing Klinger eat a piece of a jeep): "A" for effort Klinger but it's not gonna work.
KlingerWatch this. (swallows the lugnut and smiles).
Oh wow right down.
KlingerDip it in a little 30 weight motor oil, pop it in and let it slide down the gullet like a blue point oyster.
Colonel he's crazy.
KlingerSee? I got a witness. You gotta give me a Section 8 and send me home.
No dice.
KlingerIf you don't let me out for being a nut you're nuttier than me! Sir.
[Klinger is playing horseshoes with Potter.]
I don't know how you do it, Klinger.
KlingerWell, sir, I learned how to throw horseshoes in Toledo.
What's that got to do with it?
KlingerWe didn't throw them for fun. We threw them in self-defense!
Klinger [singing]: Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...
I know!
KlingerSomebody knows the trouble I've seen...
What's the matter?
KlingerSnapped my garter belt.
Don't expect a Purple Heart.
What's the matter?
KlingerSnapped my garter belt.
Don't expect a Purple Heart.
MP Sgt: He was on this bus and accosted a Blond WAC and wanted to shampoo her hair...he was sitting beside a red Cross woman kept calling her Margaret..Is that his wife?"
Just a well built ship who crossed his wake...
MP Sgt: She screamed and he jumped out of the bus
When you lasso him put him in a paddled stall
You're gonna eat your way to a discharge.
KlingerI call it "food for freedom".
I call it "suicide by salami".
Whose bright idea was this, anyhow?
Ask the five-card stud.
KlingerLook at him! He doesn't sweat. I ain't seen someone who doesn't sweat before.
Sure you have, in the Reptile House.
I think I'm gonna fold, while I still have a little left for the orphans.
Oh, Father, give them my, (starts to hand Mulcahy a blue poker chip, but switches to a red) give them my best.
(pauses) Well, good night everyone.
Good night, Mr. Chip.
KlingerNo, they got something better...me.
Huh?
KlingerTake me instead of him, I've got your escape plan.
I got my own plan...chopper to Seoul, plane back to Ohio.
KlingerI'm from Toledo, I know people there, I can make it easy for you.
Take him, he's got a plan, I would be lost in Ohio. Take him, please, please? I've never even been to Ohio, he was born and raised there! He's--
Okay, okay get out of here, anything's better than you!
KlingerColonel, I missed you!
No.
KlingerAbout my heart murmur, Sir...
No.
KlingerMy double vision is coming back.
No.
KlingerI've fallen in love with a goat!
No.
KlingerGlad to have you back, Sir.
That's one way out this man's army.
KlingerI always thought of it as That Man's army.
Hawkeye PierceAlan Alda · 309 quotes
BHBJ Hunnicutt103 quotes
CPColonel Potter97 quotes
Charles WinchesterDavid Ogden Stiers · 93 quotes
Frank Marion BurnsLarry Linville · 79 quotes
Radar O'ReillyGary Burghoff · 71 quotes
Margaret HoulihanLoretta Swit · 64 quotes
TJTrapper John McIntyre60 quotes
Father MulcahyWilliam Christopher · 47 quotes
Henry BlakeMcLean Stevenson · 44 quotes
Sidney FreedmanAllan Arbus · 13 quotes
SFSam Flagg9 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.