Charles Winchester quotes from M*A*S*H

Charles

Don't be ridiculous. This is twelve-year-old Scotch. You don't think I'd keep it in the original bottle with you petty larcenists around, do you?

Hawkeye

Eugggh!

What, what?

Hawkeye

I've been drinking from his Scotch bottle!

Charles

Must you always spout Scripture, Father?

Father Mulcahy

I'm afraid it's an occupational hazard.

Charles

Pierce, why must you always thwart my attempts to bring a little culture into this neolithic pup tent?

Hawkeye

Because I'm a music lover.

Hawkeye

That guy would turn in his own mother for passing along a recipe.

Charles

You don't like the fellow, do you?

Hawkeye

No, I've never been too fond of a guy who would bring you a wounded prisoner and beg you to fix him up just so that he could take him out and shoot him.

Charles

That bad, hmmm?

Hawkeye

I don't see anything here. I think I'll go sing Carmen in the latrine. The echo'll kill him.

It doesn't add up. The map, the evidence.

Charles

You, of all people, should know never to trust a North Korean.

Flagg, you'll pay for this, right through your twitchy nose!

I got a lot of big contacts at I-Corps. They'll fix your wagon!

I see it now! This is bigger than all of you! This is a major conspiracy, and I will get to the bottom of this, even if I have to go right to the top!

Charles

Colonel, I... [he gags, then starts again] I was raised in a gracious and civilized atmosphere. I was taught the Golden Rule, and with the exception of some few business dealings, I have learned to live by it. However, in this case, I want these vermin HUNG! I want them buried in anthills, their bodies smeared with honey!

Easy, Major.

Charles

I want them drawn and quartered, and I want the pieces arrested!

Hawkeye

(grunt) 23 hours of O.R.

So?...23 hours...It's not like we were in there all day.

Charles

I feel like Dorian Grey's picture. Does anyone mind if I relax to some Beethoven?

Hawkeye

Yes! (simultaneous with B.J.)

Aww...not tonight! (simultaneous with Hawkeye)

Charles

Alrighty, since you insist (starts the record player)

(sarcastically) We-hell, at least he had the decency to ask.

Hawkeye

My body is so tired it's suing me for running a sweatshop.

Hawkeye

Why am I wide awake?!? I know, how 'bout a brisk walk?

Charles

Keep your grimy hands on the wheel.

Radar

Look I'm sorry Major, the tires won't stay on the road.

Charles

On only one other occasion in my life did I even approach that level of inebriation.

When was that?

Charles

It was the night after I graduated from Harvard Medical School, I distinctly remember trying to swim the Charles River in cap and gown, reasoning that since it was named after me, it was my river.

Well of course. Did you get married then, too?

Charles

Nope. Got pneumonia!

Do you, Chuck Emerson Winchester III, take this lovely if gullible young woman as your un-lawful, un-wedded un-wife?

Charles

I undo.

And do you, Donna Marie Parker Winchester the Third, take this pickled amnesiac as your un-lawful, un-wedded, un-hubby?

I undo, too.

Now with the power invested in me by the state of intoxication, I pronounce you man and woman. You may now ignore the bride.

Margaret

WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Do you know what we DID?!

We made a man who's part George and part Harold!

Charles

And part Winchester.

Hawkeye

That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous, or pompous!

Hawkeye

If he tries to leave the room one more time, he's gonna be a diplomatic corpse.

Charles

Now, you see, Pierce? This is precisely the reason that I am needed here. Your pugnacious attitude will accomplish nothing.

Hawkeye

Ooh, but it'll make me feel so good!

Charles

You're clearly out of your element here. This is a time for civility and graciousness; there is no room for rancor.

Hawkeye

How about just one bolo punch?

Charles

Look. If you wish to accomplish our objective, you will leave this to me. I'm well-versed in the verbal art of thrust and parry, give and take.

Hawkeye

Kick and gouge.

Charles

Sit there, keep your mouth shut. I will orchestrate these proceedings to a successful-

Prescott

Well, so much for that.

Hawkeye

[sarcastic] Delightful for you to drop in on us again.

Prescott

Can you imagine, those cretins were actually going to seat the deputy chargé d'affaires next to a sumo wrestler!

Hawkeye

[more sarcastic] Oh! How gauche!

Charles

[glancing at Hawkeye] Yes, these are trying times.

Hawkeye

Yes, they certainly are.

Charles

They take one's attention away from the important issues at hand. For example, the disposition of the unfortunate child we were discussing.

Prescott

Yes, the child.

Hawkeye

The one we want to send to the States. That child.

Prescott

Yes. Well, the answer's no.

Hawkeye

No? Just like that? No?

Charles

Pierce. Mr. Prescott, surely you will agree that this is a decision that should not be made in haste; there must be some discussion.

Prescott

Actually, none whatsoever.

Hawkeye

Look, Prescott, this "unattended juvenile" you're so blithely dismissing could conceivably be murdered in the name of racial purity. You got space on your application for that?!

Charles

Pierce, I'm handling this, remember?

Prescott

There's nothing to handle. The Immigration and Naturalization Service, by statute, has strict quota restrictions. My hands are tied.

Hawkeye

Now there's an idea!

Charles

[elbows Hawkeye] Just a moment. There are always alternatives.

Prescott

Not in this case, Major.

Charles

[trying to maintain composure] Mr. Prescott, I have friends of considerable influence.

Prescott

Gentlemen...

Charles

Congressmen.

Prescott

...you are wasting my time.

Charles

Senators.

Prescott

Please believe me, this is departmental policy.

Charles

Cabinet members.

Prescott

There can be no immigration under the circumstances you have set forth.

Charles

Captains of industry.

Prescott

Good day.

Charles

There's nothing good about it, Mr. Prescott! We are discussing a little girl! A human being who is facing a life of misery! An issue infinitely more important than you and your stupid seating arrangements!

Hawkeye

Charles-

Charles

Shut up, Pierce! [Prescott's desk telephone buzzes; Charles snatches up the handset] Mr. Prescott is in conference; let them eat out! [hangs up]

Prescott

How dare you-

Charles

You smarmy bureaucratic microbe; you're going to that dinner breathing through your FLY!

Hawkeye

Run for your life, Prescott, it's a wild boar!

Charles

Well, how would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy dark-haired olive picker?

Klinger

She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is. (Klinger storms out of the office)

Charles

Did I say something to offend him?

Boston, Massachussettes?

Charles

Yes! Yes. Boston, Massachussettes.

Now just hang on to your homburg Winchester. You come barrelling into your CO's bunkhouse, bellow at him like a berserk buffalo aggravating his anger and his hangover all because you want to bug out. How would you like to spend the rest of the war with a bull's-eye on your dome?

Charles

That is either a horse or the RCA building.

It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!

Charles

Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!

Major go about your business.

Charles

I have no business.

Take a nap.

Charles

I'm not sleepy!

Just listen to yourself yammer. That'll snap those eyelids shut in a flash.