Charles Winchester quotes from M*A*S*H

Margaret

Let me get you to your tent.

I'd better warn you, Major, I get mighty crotchety when I'm battling a bug. And I make one ornery patient.

Margaret

Well, I make one ornery nurse! Take it easy.

Winchester

Uh-- Colonel isn't it a bit early in the day to be, um-- how shall I put it-- bagged?

It's not booze that's got me in this shape, Winchester, it's mumps.

Winchester

(laughs) I-- Forgive me, Colonel. It's just that it's a bit silly to find a childhood malady - afflicting a man of your advanced years.

Margaret

Step aside, Major.

Winchester

What's next for you, Colonel? Unsightly teenage blemishes?

Ah, between you and the mumps, Winchester, I'd prefer the mumps. At least I know they're going to go away.

Winchester

At least the other doctors have something to do. The only activity I am allowed is talking.

Winchester, the artistic temperament is a delicate thing. So clam up, you yahoo!

Winchester

I do not understand why you are allowed your pleasures, and I am not allowed mine!

Because my pleasures are a little more on the quiet side!

Winchester

Ah! That is either a horse or the RCA building.

It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!

Winchester

Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!

Major, go about your business.

Winchester

I have no business.

Take a nap.

Winchester

I'm not sleepy!

Just listen to yourself yammer. That'll snap those eyelids shut in a flash.

Winchester

Even the most despicable convict is allowed the basic pleasures of life. - But not I.

Don't rile me, Winchester. My face gets any redder, somebody's gonna get whopped.

Winchester

Threaten all you want, I can't take anymore. I demand my rights. I'm going to play my music.

Don't touch that dial.

Winchester

I need this music to nourish my fading hope that truth and beauty still exist. Viva Caruso-- [ Gags ]

I'm warning you. Eighty-six that Italian!

Winchester

I have nothing left to lose!

That tears it!

Winchester

What are you gonna do?

I'll decide when I get there.

Winchester

No, Colonel. - Oh, no!

Oh, yes!

Gin.

Winchester

Again? Colonel, it hardly requires an advanced degree in differential calculus to master the numerical sequence of ace, deuce, trey. Fifty-four points, record.

Oh, shut up and deal. I can't remember the last hand I won.

Winchester

Oh, really? Having won so few I should think they'd stand out in your memory.

On second thought, I think I'll read a little and then turn in. Some Zane Grey maybe.

Winchester

(sarcastically) Ah, Zane Grey. Tolstoy with spurs.

He happens to be a great writer!

Winchester

Colonel, what gin rummy is to games of skill Zane Grey is to literature. Therefore, I shall counter with something civilized-- Caruso.

En-riko Caruso? The singer?

Winchester

Why, yes, I do believe he sings.

Nix on that. I hate opera!

Winchester

Colonel, a closed mind is an empty mind. All I ask is that you listen, and I assure you you will be carried away on majestic clouds of musical rapture.

That guy sounds like a banshee in a bear trap. [Stops]

Winchester

Sir! This man is one of the giants of serious music.

If I want music-- I'll send for my Tex Ritter 78s. If I want a giant, I'll send for Mel Ott!

Winchester

Well, I don't know Mr. Ott's work but cowboy crooners, even one so noteworthy as ol' Tex can hardly be mentioned in the same breath with the immortal Enrico Caruso!

Oh, yeah? If you wanna match windpipes, can that Caruso guy yodel?

Winchester

Not even at gunpoint!

Hawkeye

OK, ten shots, one every two hours.

Charles

Ah, a mere twenty hours 'til we are released from the munchkin horde.

Charles, have you been hoarding munchkins again?

Charles

What about we do something civilized?

Klinger

Like what?

Charles

Like sipping sherry while musicians play a string trio by Franz Josef Haydn. Or perhaps, someone with a trained voice could read selections from Edna St. Vincent Millay.

Margaret

This is for Pierce?

Oh he'd love it once we got him tied to the chair.

Klinger

That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I don't wanna be entertained by somebody with three names unless it's Gypsy Rose Lee.

Charles

This cultural commentary is brought to you by Maxwell "Swinish" Klinger.

Klinger

Wait! Put away your thinking caps, I got it. Imagine if you will the world's biggest salami.

Charles

We don't have to imagine it, Klinger, we're looking at it.

Okey-dokey?

Charles

Colonel, I...

Say "okey-dokey," Major.

Charles

Okey...dokey.

That's bribery!

Charles

No! That is the American way. Survival of the richest!

Charles

I have no need to write letters to communicate with children. I have you for that, Pierce.

Hawkeye

That is an insult and you'll answer for it at recess.

Charles

Je- He what?! Jealous.

Charles

I... just... Give me that! (takes the letter) Get to camp out, eh? (writing) "My dear diminutive correspondent, Your misinformation is exceeded only by your ahhh-trocious grammar.

Leave it to Charles to be the world's first poison pen pal.

Klinger

Hey, how come you got the easy job while we had to bust our buns?

Charles

Very well, Klinger. How do you spell "caution"?

Klinger

C-A-W...

Charles

I rest my case. When I have this sign finished, I'll hang one on this door, then I have to walk all the way around and put one on the other door

Klinger

K-A-W...?

Hawkeye

Now you've got it.

Charles

Deny it! Deny it if you can! You took the Christmas candy I gave you and sold it on the black market. Have you no shame?!

May I explain?

Charles

No! What you can do is retrieve that candy immediately and have it in the children's stockings by morning! Otherwise they're going to find you hanging by the chimney without care!

Major, I cannot. The money is gone.

Charles

[aghast] You...parasite!

Please. Your generous gift, and your insistence that it remain anonymous, touched me deeply. The candy would have brought great joy to the children, for a few moments. But on the black market, it was worth enough rice and cabbage to feed them for a month.

Charles

Rice and cabbage?

I know. I have failed to carry out your family tradition. And I am very sorry.

Charles

[chastened] On the contrary, it is I who should be sorry. It is sadly inappropriate to give dessert to a child who's had no meal.

Shall we share, as you say, some Christmas cheer?

Charles

No, thank you...but please, go ahead.

Klinger

Ah, Major Winchester, the party of one. Dinner is served.

Charles

[irked] What is this?

Klinger

Well, let me see: For your appetizer, the last of the macadamias, followed, by a mixed grill of Lebanese salami, sugar-cured ham, and hog jowls; we have seconds on those. Sorry sir, no smoked oysters; I just smoked the last one.

Charles

But I didn't-

Klinger

And for dessert, fresco fudge, and nutty fruitcake.

Charles

All laced with hemlock, I'm sure.

Klinger

Sorry, sir, no hemlock. But I can get you some ketchup.

Charles

And what, pray tell, is the catch of the day?

Klinger

[heading for the tent door] Oh, just one catch, Major.

Charles

Ah?

Klinger

The source of this Christmas dinner must remain anonymous. It's an old family tradition.

Charles

Thank you, Max.

Klinger

Merry Christmas. Charles.

OK, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker, or a guffaw, from anyone.

Hawkeye

You hear that, Charles?

The subject of this meeting is... the Army. (pause) So far so good. I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.

Charles

Army... Career...

Hawkeye

I'm sorry; if I held that in, my teeth would have exploded.

Come on, you gotta be kidding.

Charles

Gentlemen please it's impolite to laugh at the senile.

What'd he say?

Loss of hearing is the first sign.

Hawkeye

Klinger, come with me.

Charles

Klinger, you will do no such thing.

Hawkeye

I am trying to help that Marine and I need Klinger.

Charles

Oh, very well, you may have him. Have him back in an hour, though.

Klinger

My God, I've been traded.

Hawkeye

Thanks for the lovely peasant.