Charles Winchester quotes from M*A*S*H

Charles

In order to have a criminal mentality, one must first have a mentality.

Charles

A Winchester only recognizes one 5:30 per day. This is not it.

Charles

Ah, even in the sewer the cream rises to the top.

Charles

Where I have a father, you have a dad.

Charles

Hunnicutt, if there is a God, there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits and in desperate need of a wealthy, influential friend. When that time comes, I pray you will turn to me so I can laugh in your face.

Charles

Ah...Napoleon. If you'd given more of this to Josephine...she might have stayed home nights.

Charles

What is that odor?

Radar

Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.

Charles

The wind is from the south.

Radar

Oh, that's the kitchen.

Margaret

Major Winchester, I'm terribly sorry, would you mind stepping outside and scrubbing up?

Winchester

Ha-ha, I kindly doubt that would be necessary, Major. I just spent seven and a half minutes scrubbing.

Margaret

Yes, but that was before you touched your nose.

Winchester

I beg your pardon?

Margaret

Your nose, you touched your nose; you're no longer sterile. If you operate now, you will contaminate the field.

Winchester

Of course. That is precisely what I would do if, in fact, I had touched my nose, which I didn't.

Margaret

Major, I saw you touch your nose.

Winchester

Major, do you think my face is insensate? Don't you think that if I had touched my nose, I would've felt it?

Hawkeye

I just felt something funny over my lip. Maybe it touched my nose.

Touched his nose, Charles. You'll have to marry him.

Margaret

Colonel Potter, I clearly saw Major Winchester touch his nose!

Hawkeye

You naughty boy.

Winchester

Colonel, I refuse to spend another seven and a half minutes scrubbing up because of this woman's paranoid hallucinations!

She's a pretty good observer, Winchester.

Winchester

I did not touch my-! [calms] I did not touch my nose.

Margaret

You did touch your nose! I SAW you touch your nose!

Hawkeye

It's the Battle of the Noses, ladies and gentlemen! Who do you think is ahead, Captain Honeycutt?

Well, Winchester was ahead for a while, but he blew it.

Hawkeye

Say, that's disgusting.

Winchester

[Angrily goes to wash] How am I expected to operate in here if I must continually leave to wash my hands?

DON'T TOUCH YOUR NOSE!

Hawkeye

(gleefully, after BJ has ripped chapter 1 out of his book and given to Hawk to read) Heehee! Reading! This just might be better than sex!

Charles

Certainly takes longer around here.

How would you know?

Charles

Do you happen to have a quarter?

Hawkeye

All this for a quarter?

Charles

I have to pry off the cover.

'Course, cover charge.

Margaret

Look out teeth, look out gums, look out liver, here she comes!

Charles

Civilization in Korea.

You interrupted a Zane Grey gunfight because of a schoolyard spat over a jacket?

Charles

That jacket is rightfully mine.

Major get your mind off collecting fees. This is the army not park avenue.

Charles

This is Hell's Kitchen.

Mind if I enter?

Sure. You know my hours, 11pm to reville.

Charles

Well purjury must have its day in court.

Approach the bench.

Charles

Do you two realize that you are singing two entirely different operas and they're both out of tune?

Hawkeye

Don't blame me, I didn't write this stuff.

Whose bright idea was this, anyhow?

Hawkeye

Ask the five-card stud.

Klinger

Look at him! He doesn't sweat. I ain't seen someone who doesn't sweat before.

Sure you have, in the Reptile House.

Mulcahy

I think I'm gonna fold, while I still have a little left for the orphans.

Charles

Oh, Father, give them my, (starts to hand Mulcahy a blue poker chip, but switches to a red) give them my best.

Mulcahy

(pauses) Well, good night everyone.

Hawkeye

Good night, Mr. Chip.

Klinger

No, they got something better...me.

Huh?

Klinger

Take me instead of him, I've got your escape plan.

I got my own plan...chopper to Seoul, plane back to Ohio.

Klinger

I'm from Toledo, I know people there, I can make it easy for you.

Charles

Take him, he's got a plan, I would be lost in Ohio. Take him, please, please? I've never even been to Ohio, he was born and raised there! He's--

Okay, okay get out of here, anything's better than you!