Colonel Potter quotes from M*A*S*H

Klinger

Before I go in sir, I demand you send out a patrol to rescue my wardrobe.

Into the cave with the rest of the bats.

What is this idiocy about?

Your spy ring.

Spy ring?

Very clever, hiding under a house of cards while you plot the overthrow of the free world.

Hawkeye

He's got us, guys, we might as well confess. I'm Joe Stalin. Mao Tse-Tung, Marshall Tito, and, of course, you already know Lenin. What can I say, we couldn't get a room in the Kremlin.

Flagg, put that thing down! I don't know how your nimble brain cooked up this goofy plot, but you just bought yourself a peck of trouble!

Says the ringleader!

Hawkeye

Do you have any idea who these two gentlemen are?!

I'll get to that when I'm ready. All right, who are you?

I am Doo Pak.

The mayor of Ouijongbu!

Hawkeye

And this is his baby brother, Hung Pak, Chief of Police!

It doesn't add up. The map, the evidence.

Charles

You, of all people, should know never to trust a North Korean.

Flagg, you'll pay for this, right through your twitchy nose!

I got a lot of big contacts at I-Corps. They'll fix your wagon!

I see it now! This is bigger than all of you! This is a major conspiracy, and I will get to the bottom of this, even if I have to go right to the top!

Charles

Colonel, I... [he gags, then starts again] I was raised in a gracious and civilized atmosphere. I was taught the Golden Rule, and with the exception of some few business dealings, I have learned to live by it. However, in this case, I want these vermin HUNG! I want them buried in anthills, their bodies smeared with honey!

Easy, Major.

Charles

I want them drawn and quartered, and I want the pieces arrested!

Either of you seen Radar?

Hawkeye

Last I saw him he was in the Officer's Club having a touch of the grape.

Why? What's wrong?

Plenty. I just got a wire from the boy's mother in Iowa. Radar's Uncle Ed passed away.

Hawkeye

Oy.

Yeah, oy.

Folks around here were pretty fond of Henry Blake when he ran this fort, weren't they?

Klinger

Well, sure, the Colonel was a top notch kind of a guy.

You bet he was. And, I don't mind telling, you my first few days in his shadow were a mite uneasy. No one was jumping for joy over me. I was no Henry Blake, never tried to be. That didn't make me any better or worse, just different. The point is, the folks here gave me the time to take this job and make it Sherman Potter's. I guess I forgot that when you took over for Radar. What I'm trying to say is, you need the time to take this job and make it Max Klinger's. So, just do it. And, if you need some help, if you've got a question, just knock on my door. Is that clear, Max?

Klinger

Crystal, sir.

From now on- Radar's office is closed; Klinger's office is open.

OK, we'll open tomorrow.

Not really but it's the only way I can talk to you.

Hawkeye

What's this about Colonel?

Glad you asked. I'm a very busy man so I'll make this short and sweet. Lieutenant Harris dropped by this morning, had a little surprise for me. A request for an immediate transfer.

Naturally I thought she wanted out because she couldn't take a bath but that wasn't the reason. So I said "What is the reason?" And she said "I made a big fool of myself and the whole camp knows it." So I said "Well I don't know it." And she said "I'm surprised Pierce didn't tell you."

So I said "Why are you dropping this in my lap when you should be talking to your head nurse?" And she said "The head nurse hates me."

Margaret

I do not hate her.

So I said "Back up a bit. What is it you did that got everybodie's tongue wagging except mine?" And she said "I had an unhappy love affair." So I asked "Was it one of my doctors?" And she said "No. It was your priest."

That's what she said. She was so upset she's giving up on Med School. I didn't even know she was going to Med School.

Mulcahy

She musn't give up.

Now look folks this is none of my affair so why don't we keep it that way. The woman's got only a few weeks left in this man's army. A transfer would be a waste of good red tape so here's what your gonna do. (Points to Hawkeye) You stop talking about her. (Points to Margaret) You stop hating her. (Points to Mulcahy) And you stop dating her.

What the heck is going-- put that thing down lady this is no hayride. Now what in the name of Beezlebub is goin on here? (everyone starts talking at once to explain and Colonel Potter holds up his arms for silence) Hold it down! (After everyone is quiet) Now that's more like it. Klinger this woman seems a little cranky.

Klinger

Actually sir it's very amusing.

Then how come Madame Pitchfork isn't laughing?

Now, Father- we understand this ceremony may be against the tenets of your religion

(drunk) I didn't know tennis was a religion!

Charles

Well, how would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy dark-haired olive picker?

Klinger

She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is. (Klinger storms out of the office)

Charles

Did I say something to offend him?

Boston, Massachussettes?

Charles

Yes! Yes. Boston, Massachussettes.

Now just hang on to your homburg Winchester. You come barrelling into your CO's bunkhouse, bellow at him like a berserk buffalo aggravating his anger and his hangover all because you want to bug out. How would you like to spend the rest of the war with a bull's-eye on your dome?

Charles

That is either a horse or the RCA building.

It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!

Charles

Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!

Major go about your business.

Charles

I have no business.

Take a nap.

Charles

I'm not sleepy!

Just listen to yourself yammer. That'll snap those eyelids shut in a flash.

Margaret

Let me get you to your tent.

I'd better warn you, Major, I get mighty crotchety when I'm battling a bug. And I make one ornery patient.

Margaret

Well, I make one ornery nurse! Take it easy.

Winchester

Uh-- Colonel isn't it a bit early in the day to be, um-- how shall I put it-- bagged?

It's not booze that's got me in this shape, Winchester, it's mumps.

Winchester

(laughs) I-- Forgive me, Colonel. It's just that it's a bit silly to find a childhood malady - afflicting a man of your advanced years.

Margaret

Step aside, Major.

Winchester

What's next for you, Colonel? Unsightly teenage blemishes?

Ah, between you and the mumps, Winchester, I'd prefer the mumps. At least I know they're going to go away.

Winchester

At least the other doctors have something to do. The only activity I am allowed is talking.

Winchester, the artistic temperament is a delicate thing. So clam up, you yahoo!

Winchester

I do not understand why you are allowed your pleasures, and I am not allowed mine!

Because my pleasures are a little more on the quiet side!

Winchester

Ah! That is either a horse or the RCA building.

It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!

Winchester

Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!

Major, go about your business.

Winchester

I have no business.

Take a nap.

Winchester

I'm not sleepy!

Just listen to yourself yammer. That'll snap those eyelids shut in a flash.

Winchester

Even the most despicable convict is allowed the basic pleasures of life. - But not I.

Don't rile me, Winchester. My face gets any redder, somebody's gonna get whopped.

Winchester

Threaten all you want, I can't take anymore. I demand my rights. I'm going to play my music.

Don't touch that dial.

Winchester

I need this music to nourish my fading hope that truth and beauty still exist. Viva Caruso-- [ Gags ]

I'm warning you. Eighty-six that Italian!

Winchester

I have nothing left to lose!

That tears it!

Winchester

What are you gonna do?

I'll decide when I get there.

Winchester

No, Colonel. - Oh, no!

Oh, yes!

Gin.

Winchester

Again? Colonel, it hardly requires an advanced degree in differential calculus to master the numerical sequence of ace, deuce, trey. Fifty-four points, record.

Oh, shut up and deal. I can't remember the last hand I won.

Winchester

Oh, really? Having won so few I should think they'd stand out in your memory.

On second thought, I think I'll read a little and then turn in. Some Zane Grey maybe.

Winchester

(sarcastically) Ah, Zane Grey. Tolstoy with spurs.

He happens to be a great writer!

Winchester

Colonel, what gin rummy is to games of skill Zane Grey is to literature. Therefore, I shall counter with something civilized-- Caruso.

En-riko Caruso? The singer?

Winchester

Why, yes, I do believe he sings.

Nix on that. I hate opera!

Winchester

Colonel, a closed mind is an empty mind. All I ask is that you listen, and I assure you you will be carried away on majestic clouds of musical rapture.

That guy sounds like a banshee in a bear trap. [Stops]

Winchester

Sir! This man is one of the giants of serious music.

If I want music-- I'll send for my Tex Ritter 78s. If I want a giant, I'll send for Mel Ott!

Winchester

Well, I don't know Mr. Ott's work but cowboy crooners, even one so noteworthy as ol' Tex can hardly be mentioned in the same breath with the immortal Enrico Caruso!

Oh, yeah? If you wanna match windpipes, can that Caruso guy yodel?

Winchester

Not even at gunpoint!