Colonel Potter quotes from M*A*S*H

You two baboons spoiled a swell movie!

Hawkeye

No, we didn't! It's been here so long, it's spoiled by itself.

Yeah!

I've seen better film forming in my soup.

Yeah? Well I happen to think this is a fine piece of celluloid. As a matter of fact, it's mine and Mildred's favorite. Mildred loves Charles Boyer. This is a war, you know! Be grateful that we got a talkie!

Hawkeye

We are, but don't you think we deserve a little decent entertainment?! God knows everything else around here stinks!

Now why the devil would I scribble my John Hancock 47 times?

Klinger

Ah, you were sleepwalking sir. I didn't want to wake you. I thought it might be dangerous.

Probably would've been. Thanks for clearing that up for me Corporal. By the way...you put too much swoop on the T.

Okey-dokey?

Charles

Colonel, I...

Say "okey-dokey," Major.

Charles

Okey...dokey.

Mulcahy

Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!

Well, good morning Padre, or should I say, Padress.

Mulcahy

Colonel, there's no humor in this. While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this.... this.... housefrock!

Klinger

Better not take it off, Father. You'll be a defrocked priest!

Mulcahy

Klinger, how would you like the last rites? And a few lefts?

That's bribery!

Charles

No! That is the American way. Survival of the richest!

You know, I never got the chance to tell you how much Margaret means to us. We couldn't run this place without her.

Well, that gal is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Is that so? Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.

I beg your pardon?

Margaret's busted her britches trying to please you, but you don't seem to give a tinker's damn!

Forgive me, Colonel, but what business is that of yours?

It is my business because I care about her. That gal seems to think you have no use for her.

Well, I flew halfway around the world to see her, didn't I? That should say it all.

It doesn't say enough when all you can do is find fault.

What do you mean by that?

Well, for openers, walking out on her in the middle of O.R. didn't exactly boost her morale.

That had nothing to do with Margaret!

Really? Then what did it have to do with? Was it the doctors' tomfoolery? Was it the blood? Let me tell you something, Alvin. I've seen tougher birds than you who couldn't take it!

It shouldn't be happening to me.

You mean, you'd sooner let her think she was a failure than admit you were about to lose your lunch? You'd rather crush her feelings than let on you're human like the rest of us?

Colonel...

You're so busy being 'Howitzer Al' Houlihan you can't even let your own daughter know you love her?

Colonel, you raise your family and I'll raise mine.

OK, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker, or a guffaw, from anyone.

Hawkeye

You hear that, Charles?

The subject of this meeting is... the Army. (pause) So far so good. I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.

Charles

Army... Career...

Hawkeye

I'm sorry; if I held that in, my teeth would have exploded.

Come on, you gotta be kidding.

Charles

Gentlemen please it's impolite to laugh at the senile.

What'd he say?

Loss of hearing is the first sign.

Charles

I am sorry to wake you sir but I am in the direst of straits.

(Still asleep but being led to his office) Straight. My full house beats that.

Charles

Colonel, what's the point in bearing a grudge?

Glad to see you using some common sense.

Charles

What possible benefit could I derive from becoming angry over the impending arrival of the cretin that banished me to this flea hatchery?

You are using common sense, aren't you?

Charles

Just because I was forced to surrender the delights of Tokyo, where I could indulge in kabuki, and octopus.

Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours get got again.

Charles

Have you ever savored the epicurean delight of fresh octopus?

I don't care for any food that hangs onto the plate when you pick it up.

Charles

The injustice of it all to banish me to this vermin preserve just to avoid paying the 600 dollars he lost to me in a cribbage game. Ergo when he arrives I shall perform surgery on the first organ that presents itself.

Major I got a hospital to run and I don't want Baldwin in it.

Charles

Oh sir this might be the only chance I have to savor the sweet fruit of revenge. I swear by all that is holy on Beacon Hill, I shall get even.

Major, ten-hut! I need a volunteer to stay away from Baldwin and your it! (Charles tries to argue) About face! Forward Skedaddle!

Charles

The last laugh has yet to be laughed Colonel.

Major, you were kind, courteous, and every bit the gentlemen. What do you have up your sleeve?

Perhaps a gun. Does a Winchester carry a Deringer?

Hawkeye

It seems unlikely.

Margaret

Help yourself to some breakfast before us lowlifes steal it all.

Mulcahy

Hell hath no fury like pernicious vermin scorned.

Charles, you just put a whole shoe store in your mouth.

Winchester, just a hunch: Will Rogers never met you, did he?

Sorry to break up this pow-wow, boys, but Bossie says it's time to call the cab.

Hawkeye

You get her up on the table and I'll hold her hand.

Does anyone know where I can find a cigar that says, "It's a heifer"?

You coming, Winchester? I bet a city fella like you hasn't had a chance to see this before.

Charles

I've also never had the opportunity to swim in a barrel of live squid.

Yes, I know I didn't sign the morning reports.

Klinger

Sir, it would be easier to remember to sign the reports instead of remembering you didn't sign them.

I'll remember that.

I'll bet you'd love a good breakfast.

I sure would, but I'll settle for what you folks eat.

Well mercy me, where are my manners? Major Weems, allow me to introduce Major Quentin Rockingham! Major Rockingham is the Deputy Assistant Chief of Staff for Personnel headquarters, "I-Corps"!

Sir, Indeed a pleasure to meet you.