Colonel Potter quotes from M*A*S*H

We all know when the Good Lord passed out paranoia, Frank Burns got on line twice.

Hawkeye

Three times; and the third time, he denied ever being in line!

What's the matter?

Klinger

Snapped my garter belt.

Don't expect a Purple Heart.

What's the matter?

Klinger

Snapped my garter belt.

Don't expect a Purple Heart.

Just a well built ship who crossed his wake...

When you lasso him put him in a paddled stall

Margaret

Major Winchester, I'm terribly sorry, would you mind stepping outside and scrubbing up?

Winchester

Ha-ha, I kindly doubt that would be necessary, Major. I just spent seven and a half minutes scrubbing.

Margaret

Yes, but that was before you touched your nose.

Winchester

I beg your pardon?

Margaret

Your nose, you touched your nose; you're no longer sterile. If you operate now, you will contaminate the field.

Winchester

Of course. That is precisely what I would do if, in fact, I had touched my nose, which I didn't.

Margaret

Major, I saw you touch your nose.

Winchester

Major, do you think my face is insensate? Don't you think that if I had touched my nose, I would've felt it?

Hawkeye

I just felt something funny over my lip. Maybe it touched my nose.

Touched his nose, Charles. You'll have to marry him.

Margaret

Colonel Potter, I clearly saw Major Winchester touch his nose!

Hawkeye

You naughty boy.

Winchester

Colonel, I refuse to spend another seven and a half minutes scrubbing up because of this woman's paranoid hallucinations!

She's a pretty good observer, Winchester.

Winchester

I did not touch my-! [calms] I did not touch my nose.

Margaret

You did touch your nose! I SAW you touch your nose!

Hawkeye

It's the Battle of the Noses, ladies and gentlemen! Who do you think is ahead, Captain Honeycutt?

Well, Winchester was ahead for a while, but he blew it.

Hawkeye

Say, that's disgusting.

Winchester

[Angrily goes to wash] How am I expected to operate in here if I must continually leave to wash my hands?

DON'T TOUCH YOUR NOSE!

You're gonna eat your way to a discharge.

Klinger

I call it "food for freedom".

I call it "suicide by salami".

You interrupted a Zane Grey gunfight because of a schoolyard spat over a jacket?

Charles

That jacket is rightfully mine.

Major get your mind off collecting fees. This is the army not park avenue.

Charles

This is Hell's Kitchen.

Mind if I enter?

Sure. You know my hours, 11pm to reville.

Charles

Well purjury must have its day in court.

Approach the bench.

Whose bright idea was this, anyhow?

Hawkeye

Ask the five-card stud.

Klinger

Look at him! He doesn't sweat. I ain't seen someone who doesn't sweat before.

Sure you have, in the Reptile House.

Mulcahy

I think I'm gonna fold, while I still have a little left for the orphans.

Charles

Oh, Father, give them my, (starts to hand Mulcahy a blue poker chip, but switches to a red) give them my best.

Mulcahy

(pauses) Well, good night everyone.

Hawkeye

Good night, Mr. Chip.

How's the clamp working, son?

Hawkeye

Like a lioness holding her cub.

Radar

Colonel! Colonel, it's Klinger, he's back!

Thank God he's back alive, I'm gonna kill him!

Klinger

Colonel, I missed you!

No.

Klinger

About my heart murmur, Sir...

No.

Klinger

My double vision is coming back.

No.

Klinger

I've fallen in love with a goat!

No.

Klinger

Glad to have you back, Sir.

That's one way out this man's army.

Klinger

I always thought of it as That Man's army.

You don't think this is the proverbial 'hell freezing over' do you, Father?

Mulcahy

Oh, no, no. I'm sure I'd have been informed if anything that big were on the agenda.

We're gonna have to keep these boys plenty warm tonight. You'll have to take heaters from the tents again.

Radar

Sir, the last time I did that they hid my glasses in the meatloaf!

Mulcahy

I might be able to arrange a drop.

It's gonna take a lot more than a drop, Padre.

Mulcahy

I mean, with the black market.

Not advisable. Those boys play rough.

Margaret

And besides, who'd be low enough to have dealings with those tarantulas?

Mulcahy

As a matter of fact...me.

General Prescott

You look familiar, Colonel. Do I know you?

I don't think so, General.

Prescott

Were you in World War II?

Yes, sir.