Colonel Potter quotes from M*A*S*H

"It sure looks that way."

It's a tragedy people have to eat horses, they're beautiful animals. You ever take a peek at a cow or a pig? They're ugly. We're doing them a favor by eating 'em . Saves 'em the agony of looking at their reflections in the trough every morning. But a horse, that's a noble beast. Why, in the cavalry, a man's steed was his best friend, a real companion. Where do people get off making pork chops out of them? Too much killing in this world, too much death. No respect for people, for tradition, for life. The whole world is spinning down the tubes and nobody even seems to notice. I don't know, I...(breaking off due to the looks of the others)

Have yourself a nice long rest and be back here in twelve minutes.

I'm too old for this. I've got children telling me I can't play with their toys.

At Ease Margaret

I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich.

Grandma Mavis has a saying for everything. No wonder Grandpa Wilmer stomped on his hearing aid.

(Barking an order to Winchester to eat some ice cream) Present...SPOON!

Goodbye, Margaret. I know you've got your career in order. Don't forget to have a happy life, too.

Well, boys [B. J. and Hawkeye], it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together.

Father Mulcahy. (Sees the cross Mulcahy has around his neck). Yes, of course. You're clean.

Mulcahy

Thank God, sir.

Catholic?

Mulcahy

Yes, sir.

Can you do a Methodist thing for me on Sunday?

Mulcahy

I handle all denominations. Colonel.

Any other Methodists in the outfit?

Mulcahy

Two or three.

Good. I hate to sing alone. Major Houlihan.

Sir!

Chief nurse.

Yes, sir.

Ten years, spotless record.

Thank you sir.

Major Frank Burns.

Just friends, sir. I mean, he's not here, sir. He's indisposed.

Captain Pierce.

Hawkeye

Yo!

Keep your yo's to yourself. Captain Hunnicutt.

Yes sir.

You two were reprimanded by Major Burns for setting fire to the latrine.

Hawkeye

That was an accident.

We were having a weenie roast.

In the latrine?

We're not allowed to cook in our tents, sir.

Also Pierce, it says here you had a live chicken flown here by helicopter, claiming it was a patient.

Hawkeye

That was a rare bird, Colonel. It could tap-dance.

And a year ago the Tokyo Provost Marshal claims you stole a steam shovel.

Hawkeye

I couldn't get a cab.

I gather you drink.

Hawkeye

Only to excess.

Klinger

Colonel Potter, sir. Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, head-to-toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out.

Horse hockey! I've seen these dodges for 40 years, all the tricks. Knew a private, pretended he was a mare. Carried a colt in his arm for weeks. Another fellow said he was a daisy. Insisted we water him every morning. No, no, Corporal. It ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that froufrou and into a uniform. And you stay in uniform. Dismissed!

Halt, who goes there?

Radar

It's the Colonel.

Oh, sorry, go ahead, sir.

Don't you want to know the password?

I already know it, sir.

(sees Frank holding a bunch of guns): Burns, didn't I see your face in the wanted poster? Who wants to take first watch over the prisoner?

Hawkeye

He does.

He will.

Frank

I do.

All right. If you don't accidentally shoot yourself in two hours I will relieve you then. If you do, I'll relieve you earlier.

(to Potter) When can I have him? Give me a medical decision now! The last CO they had here couldn't make a decision without a month's warning.

I'm not fond of personal abuse, Colonel. I was in this man's Army when the only thumb you cared about was the one you had in your mouth.