A character in M*A*S*H
Colonel Potter
M*A*S*H · 691 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in M*A*S*H: in 97 of its 691 quotes
Most scenes with: Hawkeye Pierce (24), BJ Hunnicutt (19), Maxwell Klinger (19)
[Frank is desperately trying to call his wife, but Radar is busy connecting another call in Ohio]
Don't give me any of your snottiness, I am not that old dimwit you work for!
(Colonel Potter turns around glaring at Burns)
The Ohio call is mine, Major.
[Nervously chuckles] I am just having a little joke with Radar.
(sternly) And watch that dimwit talk, Burns! Your bulb's been out since I met you!
(Several members of the 4077th are celebrating the birth of Potter's new granddaughter, Sherry.)
Lieutenant Kelly, that cigar is you.
(slightly drunk) To Sherry Pershing Potter, here's to a long and happy hitch!
Hear Hear!
(wearing Margaret's old negligee, carrying a tray of beer) Here we are, reinforcements, Colonel Grandpa!
Klinger, where'd you get that negligee?
I found it in the garbage.
War is such a waste!
Klinger, it's you!
(Everybody launches into a chorus of "Let Me Call You Sweetheart")
(talking to his wife on the phone): I'm perfectly fine mother. Yes it's just as Radar said, I'm at the Officers Club.
I'll have another beer.
May I have the next tango Major?
Take it easy, the woman's not a nitwit. What's that Mother? Oh I do respect your preminitions. Yes it was you who said my sister'd go bald. Happily your wrong this time.
Corporal Klinger's a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian, toward that end he dresses, uh--
In dresses.
Bucking for a Section 8?
The man does his job; I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.
Unless, of course Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.
You people...
[The phone rings in the distance]
[running off] I'll get...
Get the phone, Radar. You people have been panicking over a rumor which says that the 4077th is bugging out. That is grade-A 100% bull cookies! You service people should know by now that scuttlebutt is as common as cooties in your skivvies! My apologies to those among us of the feminine gland and to our resident celibate, Father Mulcahy.
Thank you, sir.
My pleasure, Now you take World War II. My unit got the word that Nazis, dressed as Eskimos, had overrun Seattle. Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it and began hoarding canned salmon. Now then, I have spoken personally to General Hamilton at Headquarters. I've known Bink Hamilton for going on thirty years. I am the godfather of his grandson, Sherman Potter Hamilton! Fifteen years old and can name 24 of the 48 states. Already has an appointment to West Point. The general has assured me there is nothing to worry about. M*A*S*H 4077 is definitely [Radar returns and hands the message to Potter, who reads...] bugging out in three hours! [Pause] BUG OUT!
What happened?
Hop-a-long Ferret Face shot me!
(Later on)
Say, Beej, you're not gonna report me or anything, are you?
Frank, stop acting like a sniveling idiot.
I'm not acting!
Get away from me!
Just promise you won't tell on me and get me in trouble. Huh? Please? Pretty please?
We promise, Frank.
What happened here?
Frank shot B.J.
Tattletale! Stool pigeon! Fink! Indian giver!
How bad is it?
Superficial. Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman as he is a surgeon.
How's your horse, sir? When I was a kid, my daddy used to take me to the pony rides and---
(angrily) How did it happen, Burns?
You mean the, uh---?
Right!
I was cleaning my weapon and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan!
I see. So, naturally, you shot Captain Hunnicutt. (Radar giggles quietly)
Well, what's so funny, Corporal?
Sorry, sir.
Don't blame the boy Burns, He knows a good joke when he sees one.
Permission to look for Major Houlihan
Permission denied!
But I....
No!
I'll go wait in my tent!
Potter (disgusted) A mental pygmy!
(both drunk, under fire, in a foxhole)
Fire that weapon!
Fire it? I don't even like looking at it!
I said fire that weapon!
All right. [To the gun] You're fired! [To Potter] I did it as gently as I could.
That was an order, Pierce.
(Snapping his fingers): Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?
Fire the gun Hawkeye.
Look Colonel, I'll heal their wounds, treat their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds.
You can't just sit there.
I may be sitting on the outside but I'm running on the inside.
You love life that little?
I hate GUNS that much.
[hands Hawkeye a pistol] Your artillery, pard.
Is it loaded?
Filled it with water myself, Colonel.
Watch out, everybody, I shoot to drown.
(talking about Frank)
Can't you do something?
Like sit him down and have a talk with him?
No, like stand him up and have him shot.
Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.
(Hawkeye and BJ are removing Margaret's appendix.)
(Barging into the OR) Why wasn't I called?!
(Barking at Frank) Mask!
(angered) Well, I should be doing this surgery! I know Major Houlihan's appendix better than any of you guys!
Burns, she asked for Pierce.
I don't believe it!
(quietly to Potter) Great deal of conflict here.
(quietly to Mulcahy) You said it, brother... uh, Father. (aloud, to Frank) Burns, she doesn't want you here!
I'm not leaving until I hear it from her own lips!
(BJ, about to put the anesthetic mask over Margaret's face, pauses)
Listen to these lips, Frank. Get out!
She's delirious.
(almost screaming) OUT!
(Potter pushes Frank out of the OR)
(angrily to Margaret) I hope you have a great big scar!
You all know what day this is. Friday the 13th.
She's right, and--nah, doesn't mean a thing.
Don't say that, Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life.
You see a ghost?
No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.
The friendly old sun showed his friendly hot face over the mountains of purple majesty as though he was salutating "Good morning to all." Alas, alack, the peaceful quietness was detonated by a herd of chopper transportizing punctured personnel. But our gallant doctors, the miracle medical mortals are ever ready to treat the sick. The wounded were aided copiously by super-smart surgeons whose knowledge is superseded by nobody I know. Together or apart, they work as a team. Skilled hands with their fingers work dedicatedly to keep death away from its maximum.
Radar what is this cow flubdubbery? All this "miracle medical mortals" hooey. What are you doing to my duty log?
I was just adding a hint of self-expression.
The sun in it's crimson radiance bids a crepuscular adieu to another day. Corporal Klinger was in his last grisly hour of guard duty little knowing the fate that destiny had planned up for him. The Chinese were giving up in hordes. Sergeant Fierman brought in three prisoners that he had captured after they had surrendered voluntarily. The sergeant bragadeered to Corporal Klinger that capturing prisoners meant points toward discharge and early homeward bounding. This information inspired Klinger a whole lot. The vainglorious corporal ran like a bird and sped off in quest of Chinese giver-uppers. But destiny exterminated his luck. The Chinese had not seen women in an overexcited period of time. Klinger barely escaped with his purity still clean and in the process, ruining his finest frockery. The corporal re-arrived with his dignity dented and his nonchalantness not so nifty.
Enough, boy! Enough! This whole unit is gonna get a Section Eight!
How can you see with those filthy glasses?
I know where everything is.
(seeing Klinger eat a piece of a jeep): "A" for effort Klinger but it's not gonna work.
Watch this. (swallows the lugnut and smiles).
Oh wow right down.
Dip it in a little 30 weight motor oil, pop it in and let it slide down the gullet like a blue point oyster.
Colonel he's crazy.
See? I got a witness. You gotta give me a Section 8 and send me home.
No dice.
If you don't let me out for being a nut you're nuttier than me! Sir.
[Klinger is playing horseshoes with Potter.]
I don't know how you do it, Klinger.
Well, sir, I learned how to throw horseshoes in Toledo.
What's that got to do with it?
We didn't throw them for fun. We threw them in self-defense!
Hawkeye PierceAlan Alda · 309 quotes
BHBJ Hunnicutt103 quotes
Charles WinchesterDavid Ogden Stiers · 93 quotes
Frank Marion BurnsLarry Linville · 79 quotes
Maxwell KlingerJamie Farr · 74 quotes
Radar O'ReillyGary Burghoff · 71 quotes
Margaret HoulihanLoretta Swit · 64 quotes
TJTrapper John McIntyre60 quotes
Father MulcahyWilliam Christopher · 47 quotes
Henry BlakeMcLean Stevenson · 44 quotes
Sidney FreedmanAllan Arbus · 13 quotes
SFSam Flagg9 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's M*A*S*H pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.