A character in Married... with Children
Played by Ed O'Neill
Married... with Children · 613 quotes
Most-quoted character in Married... with Children: in 412 of its 613 quotes
Most scenes with: Peg (113), Bud Bundy (46), Kelly Bundy (37)
I'm a guardian angel. I'm looking for an Al Bundy. Do you know an Al Bundy?
AlI'm Al Bundy.
(The guardian angel looks away)
NOOOOOOOOO! WOULD YOU STOP PLAYING NINTENDO UP THERE FOR A MINUTE?!! LOOK AT THE MESS YOU GOT ME INTO!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!?"
Al, just call a roofer.
AlThere. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?
Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.
Chew Dad's socks!
Eat Mom's food!
It's a good thing I did the taxes. If claiming two children as dependents gets you $300, imagine what 23 kids is worth!
AlThe gas chamber?
I want a vacation.
AlPeg, if you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Oh, and why don't you get a picture of yourself with the refrigerator. You know, "Ol' Empty"?
God, I hate men!
AlI thought you were man's best friend. Oh wait, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, Marce.
I love a man who's on top of things.
AlAnd I love a woman with things on top.
Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever did something to you that ruined your entire life?
AlYes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.
AlPeg, I brought someone over to show that you don't need a high school diploma to be important. (gestures outside): Sir?
(the homeless man from "Oh, What a Feeling" and "Rock and Roll Girl" staggers in, holding out his hand)
Change?
Hi, Al. Did you miss me?
AlWith every bullet so far.
Hey, what a day for a daydream. Show me an unhappy man and I'll show you a --
(a bat smashes the radio. The audience cheers wildly as Al shoves the broken radio off the kitchen counter)
AlA shoe salesman.
So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.
AlNow, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.
So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.
AlNow, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.
[Bud enters Bundy residence]
Oh good, Bud is back from the store. Did you get our gift for Grandma? Remember, it was one of those "larger women romance novels".
Yes, I remember. They were all sold out of The Pie Man Always Rings Twice, so I had to go with her second choice, The Red Fudge of Courage.
Al{on the phone}: Hello, Jim's Fish, Chips & Insurance? How much would it cost to add my son to the plan? How old? Let me see.
AlBud, how old are you?
Sixteen, Dad.
Al{on the phone}: He is sixteen...What! If you think I'm gonna pay that much... you're as stupid as those cats you trap and call tuna...You know, when you insult my wife, Jim, you don't hurt me.
Well, what'd he say, Al?
AlNothing I haven't said myself.
Al{on the phone}: Seriously Jim, I need to ask, is this the best you can do for a lifetime friend and someone who did not tell the police what your catch of the day really was? Oh ho, well if you want to be that way you can take your insurance and stuff it, all of it!
Al hangs up
AlThere! Al Bundy takes guff from no one!
Peg, Kelly & Bud{in unison}: Cheap, cheap, cheap!
Al, aren't you worried about being uninsured?
AlPeg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.
Gee, honey, you look like Tarzan...if he was old and gay.
AlWell, Peg, if you were Jane, believe me, he would be.
Dad, all my friends are driving.
AlWell, if all your friends were getting married, would you do that too?
PegKathleen Freeman · 176 quotes
Kelly BundyChristina Applegate · 113 quotes
Bud BundyDavid Faustino · 109 quotes
Marcy Rhoades-D'ArcyAmanda Bearse · 62 quotes
Steve RhoadesDavid Garrison · 34 quotes
Peggy BundyKatey Sagal · 31 quotes
Jefferson D'ArcyTed McGinley · 29 quotes
Officer DanDan Tullis Jr. · 6 quotes
GriffHarold Sylvester · 5 quotes
AngelSam Kinison · 3 quotes
BBuck3 quotes
Dr. KesslerJD Cullum · 3 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.