Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Peg

I'm not cooking tonight, you know.

Al

Uh-oh. Then I guess I just have to live on love.

Peg

Not with me. I'm on strike.

Al

Oh, no. Then I guess I just have to live.

Al

Hey, Peg -- still on strike?

Peg

What does it look like?

Al

You could be on fire and I wouldn't know.

Al

Peg! Three little green aliens came in here and... they stole my socks!

Peg

Were they green before or after they touched your socks?

Al

I lost the pictures.

Al

No, sorry, guys, I busted the camera in my anger. Nothing ever goes right for me. Sometimes I wonder if Al Bundy was ever meant to be in this universe at all.

Al

Thanks, guys. You can have my socks. By the way, what do you need them for?

PEZUZU.

FUEL.

It was a time of great darkness. A giant comet cut a path of destruction through the universe. The one man who could save them all was unappreciated on his homeworld. But on planet Preludon, they still sing songs about the man whose socks created fuel for the ships that battled the comet and stopped it, savings hundreds of worlds to include Earth. This man's name? Al Bundy!

Al

First thing they teach you when you're a rookie shoe salesman is, when you got a fat one in the chair, never look up. Well, I looked up, Peg. I saw underwear. It said "Saturday."

Peg

So what?

Al

[starts crying] Today's Wednesday.

Al

I must have poured a million gallons of water down that hole. I flooded the whole block and every living thing in it. Now if that rabbit's still alive, I'm yours tonight.

Peggy

[talking to the kids] You know, the sad thing is, I don't really want him. But, a promise is a promise.

Al

Now look what you've done! You'll be screaming worse than me, I'll tell you! [as Peggy drags him into the house] I'll get you for this, I'll make you pay for this, I'm telling you!

Peg

[to Al] Are you enjoying your day off?

Al

Peg, you know I am. Now, how are you gonna ruin it for me? Sex? Chores? What?

Peg

Where are you going?

Al

Where do you think I'm going?

Peg

To the "Mr. Pudding Belly" tryouts?

Peg

Al, our baby's gone. Hold me.

Al

I didn't hold you when we conceived her. Why should I start now?

Peg

[reads test questions from a magazine to Al] Who would you rather spend the night with? A, your wife, or B...

Al

B!

Peg

Hi, honey. Why did you bring the steering wheel in the house?

Al

Well, I thought, since it isn't attached any more, maybe you'd like to cook it up for dinner?

Al

Pumpkin, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don't believe in love.

Peg

That's why our marriage works.

Al

Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but what are we doing? We're men. We were put on this planet to... well, I don't know what we're put on this planet to do -- but we're here, damn it! And we're Americans and we have the right to use the best toilet system in the free world. Are we to use the gas station bathroom like some, some common of Russkie? We're being driven from our homes, room from room, running like a Frenchman from a cap gun. And from whom? From our women. They've taken our closets, driven us out our bedrooms by their very nakedness. Now, you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doodie Dandy. Tonight, I'm reclaiming my toilet bowl.

How about yourself?

I am taking my chances in there!

And the very next day, Al got his bathroom back.

Kelly

Daddy, who made you this meat?

Al

Well, back then, we called her "Mother." See kids, "Mother" meant "home-cooking" back then. Of course, back then, "gay" meant "happy".

Bud

Hi, Dad.

Al

Hi, son. It's not the way it looks, I was just crying on the floor.