Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Steve

I'm glad you're in a jovial mood. You fall asleep at the wheel, you roll the van, you lose our supplies, and, thanks to you, we're gonna die.

I want my mommy.

Al

Yeah, so does your dad's brother.

Al

Once upon a time, there was a young boy. A boy, full of hope. He was single, thus he was happy. Then, one night, much like tonight. Something rose from the swamp. He heard a noise behind him. Thump-thump, thump-thump. He walked a little faster. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. And then he saw it. And there, in the light of a bar...stood the evil, red-headed, high-heeled, spandex monster. He ran from it. He stood it up. He dated others, but nothing could stop it. He could hear its wild call: (scrunches up his face, in a high voice): Oh, honey! Honey! It was horrible. Finally, it trapped him. Opened, opened its hideous mouth, bared its fangs, and said, (scrunches his face up again, in the same high voice): Marry me!

And did he marry it, Dan'l?

Al

Yes, I'm afraid he did. And he was never heard from again. But the worst part of it is... there's still some of them out there. There might be one... (points) behind that tree!

Al

Then again, there might not be. But beware. Because wherever a man is free and has change in his pockets, they'll come a-creeping, and they can't be stopped. Now sleep... if you can. (laughs evilly)

Bud

Dad, Dad, I had a girl here last night.

Al

Bud, I got no time for your jokes now. My teeth are killing me.

Hey, Bundy! I had steak tonight. What are you havin'?

Al

If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife.

So, how's tricks? How are the kids?

Al

Fine.

How are my Playboys?

Al

You know, huh?

[sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.

Peg

Hi, Al. Did you have a good day?

Al

I came home. How good could it have been?

Al

(looking at the phone bill) Hey we qualify for the gold bill, family! [all getting excited hovering over Al] Family, please, let's all contain the excitement until after I'm dead.

Al

Milwaukee. Milwaukee. That sounds like the town they centered around your mother, eh, Peg?

Al

What can I do better than anyone else?

Kelly

Stink up a shoe?

Bud

Sweat through the couch?

Peg

Miss the toilet in the dark?

Bud

Oh, Dad. Mrs. Donnelly called and she said her slipper won't fit over her bunion and she wants to know what she should do.

Al

Start walking on all fours the way God intended her to.

Kelly

Daddy, can't we do this after we get ice cream?

Kelly

I didn't get any.

Al

Kelly, get back in the car.

Bud

Are you sure you know what you're doing in there?

Al

Y'know, Bud, you're starting to sound like your mother. Aha! Yeah, I see there's some dirt on the round thing. All right, I think I got it. Kelly, turn it on.

Bud

Uh, Dad, you might wanna tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against it.

Al

Ah, it's no use. I know that sound. That's a death rattle. I make it myself every morning. Let's go in the house. Get out of the car, Kelly.

Bud

Hi, Mom.

Peg

Hi, Kelly.

Kelly

Hi, Mom.

Peg

Hi, Bud.

Al

Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.

Peg

I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it work?

Al

Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?

Peg

Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?

Al

Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.

Peg

I want a Cadillac.

Kelly

I want a Ferrari.

Bud

I want a Porsche.

Al

Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting.

Bud

Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.

Al

If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my house, my... [gives Peg a significant nod]

You can't tell me you're not hungry. My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.

Al

Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.

[holds up a box of cookies] It's food.

Al

[takes the box of macaroons] All right, gimme a box of these macaroons.

[snatches it back from Al] Cash only, deadbeat.

Al

I don't have any cash. Gimme some credit?

[walks off] Eat a bug.

Al

Wet a bed.

Bud

Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.

Al

A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?

Angel

Hey Al, are you OK?

Al

How did you know my name?

Angel

Because I am your guardian angel.

Al

Then prove it. If you are an angel can you make my Christmas lights work?

Al

Nice! Hmm, what else could I ask for?

Angel

Oh come on Bundy, do not be a wish pig!

Al

You are right. Tell you what, forget about the lights and use your power to make the Hee Haw girls appear.

Al

Bud, quick. What's more important: love or money?

Bud

Money. I can always rent love.

Al

Kelly, what's the color of an orange?

Kelly

Right now? No multiple choice? Straight off the top of my head?