Malcolm quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm

Dabney has three dentist appointments every week. His teeth look fine to me.

He's not going to the dentist. He's going to the "dentist." It's the secret code for the school therapist.

Malcolm

Don't you ever get tired of making their lives miserable?

Reese

Nope. Beside, I want them to remember who's boss when they're living in their mansions with their supermodel wives. They're gonna know the guy cleaning their pool kicked their ass.

Reese

I figured out your scam. As it turns out, crazy runs in the family.

Malcolm

Reese, you don't know what your doing. You're gonna ruin everything.

Reese

Relax. I got it covered.

I'm ready to see you now, Reese.

Reese

Geez, you're always so angry. Maybe you really do need therapy.

Malcolm

What I need is for you not to ruin everything for me. Do you know how much trouble we'd be in if we get caught. With Mom, with the school, WITH MOM!!

Reese

Give me a little credit, psycho. I've been doing my own research. (takes rental videos out) See, I rented Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and the Nutty Professor.

Malcolm

Oh, God! Reese, tell me exactly what you told her.

Reese

Nope. That's confidential. Now, which do you like more? Hannibal Lector or the hockey mask.

Lois

Malcolm? Reese? What do you have to say for yourselves?

Reese

Don't blame Reese? Blame Davey. (Lois grabs his finger and breaks it) Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Lois

(while cleaning out the closet) Who are the Petersons? Why do we have their photo albums? Hi, Malcolm. How was school?

Malcolm

It was normal. Yeah, I'd say normal. Very medieval. (pointing in the closet) Is that a truck tire?

Lois

What? Oh, my... Hal!

Malcolm

Those guys are nuts. I'm funny!... Aren't I funny?

To be honest, you can be a little caustic.

Stevie

The word... is arrogant.

Dabney

How about bitter, sarcastic and handsome? (Lloyd and Stevie stare at him) (points somewhere) Hey, she's cute.

Malcolm

You're talking about joining a cult, Reese!

Reese

My name isn't Reese anymore.

Malcolm

Then what is it?

Reese

I don't remember, but it's not Reese!

Dewey

Is Reese a girl now?

Malcolm

No, Dewey, he's a woman.

Reese

Shut up.

Malcolm

Sorry, ma'am.

Malcolm

She had my ball.

Lois

You broke her arm for a ball?

Malcolm

No, I already had the ball. I just pushed her away.

Lois

You pushed her and broke her arm for a ball?

Hal

Was it a special ball, son?

Malcolm

Every day??!!

Lois

Not one word! Every day!! End of story!

Malcolm

Need some help, Stevie?

Stevie

Pop... the trunk.

Hey, check out the newbie.

Stevie

Fresh... meat.

Dabney

[to Malcolm] You no longer have to live in fear.

Malcolm

What are you talking about?

Dabney

The hazing we put you through is over.

Malcolm

What hazing?

Oh, come on! When we gave you the warped lunchtray. When we dulled the points on your pencils. When you sneezed and no one said "Bless you."

Dabney

I still feel bad about that.

Malcolm

Mom has nothing to do with this.

Francis

Trust me, yes, she does -- she will ruin it, I swear! Whatever Mom tells you, don't do it. And don't do the opposite, either! The way it's worked for me is... Actually, it's never worked for me.

Malcolm

Hi, I'm Malcolm.

Cynthia

Cynthia.

Malcolm

So, you're new here.

Cynthia

Yeah, my dad wanted to get away from Manhattan, but I think the real reason is that my mom's remarriage hit him pretty hard and he thinks that a new environment would help. The truth is nothing's been the same after my brother died in a boating accident.

Cynthia

Ha! Just kidding.

Malcolm

What?

Malcolm

Anyways, see you later, and I'm glad your brother's okay.

Cynthia

I don't have a brother.

Reese

Ooh, Malcolm. Having lunch with your girlfriend?

Malcolm

She's not my girlfriend.

Reese

I don't know. I think I see a spark. (bops Cynthia's nose) Boop!

Cynthia

Please don't do that.

Reese

Aw, she doesn't like to be touched. Well, maybe, I'll do this.

Cynthia

Now, say your body is composed entirely of snot.

Malcolm

I'm good.