Malcolm quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm

[seeing his photo on the screen] What did you do to me?! I look like a freak!

Kid, that's you. That's what you look like.

Malcolm

I can't let my grandchildren see me like that! You have to fix it! Put on a special filter, or-or brighter lights... Please, you have to fix it.

Sorry, kid. That's the best I can do. I'm a yearbook photographer, not a magician.

Reese

What's Grandma doing here?!

Malcolm

You never said Grandma was coming!

Lois

I didn't? Then it's just a nice surprise for you boys. Remember last month when you came in after curfew and said, "What are you going to do about it"? Sorry it took me so long to get back to you!

Malcolm

[sarcastically] I have to hand it to you, Mom, having Grandma look after us sure kept us out of trouble.

Lois

Where's your brother?

Malcolm

In Vegas.

Reese

For your information, marriage isn't just about sex. It's about commitment. You know, we can't have sex until after the waiting period.

Malcolm

The waiting period?

Reese

Poor, naive Malcolm! All women, when they get married, require a waiting period from six months to a year.

Reese

[at the computer] I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the kissing disease from mom, which will happen right about... [clicks a button on the computer's mouse] now.

Malcolm

I didn't kiss her; you saw it.

Reese

What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?

Dewey

It was disgusting.

Malcolm

[frustrated] She licked her finger and touched my face!

Reese

Spare us the perv details.

Malcolm

Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision. We can do whatever we want, and if we get caught? They'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents. This is the perfect crime.

Dewey

I was thinking we could drive to the arcade.

Reese

Arcade? What are you, 12?

Dewey

Yeah.

Can I help you find something?

Malcolm

Yeah, do you have any cards that don't say "Get well"?

This is a hospital. Usually, we're rooting for the patient.

Malcolm

[as everyone leaves to go to the prom while leaving the morp] You can't just let them say "I'm sorry" after 12 years of treating us like crap! Wait a minute. they never even said, "sorry!" This is a trap! These are the same people who made fun of your clothes all through school, and laughed at your haircuts, and called you Malcolm-Balcolm! You'll be sorry!

[goes up to Malcolm] Finally, now we've got some breathing room in here.

Malcolm

[furious] You know what? I'm glad. This is appropriate! Now my life looks exactly how I feel! How could you screw me over like that?!

Lois

Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away!

Malcolm

How is being rich throwing my life away?!

Lois

Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have! You graduate first in your class and you start working in public service- either district attorney or running some foundation- and then you become Governor of a mid-size state and then you become President.

Malcolm

What?!

Lois

Of the United States.

Malcolm

Dad...!

Hal

I'm sorry, son. It's true. [Malcolm looks at his brothers, who all nod in agreement]

Francis

Thought you knew.

Hal

Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.

Malcolm

What if I don't want to be President?!

Lois

It's too late for that, you're gonna do it!

Malcolm

[sarcastic] Really?! Have you decided my position of capital gains tax cuts?! What are my foreign policy objectives?!

Lois

That doesn't matter. What does matters is that you will be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us! We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years and I, for one, am sick of it! Now you are going to be President, mister, and that's the end of it!

Malcolm

Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and bought my way into being President?!

Lois

Of course it did. We decided against it.

Malcolm

WHAT?!

Lois

Because then you wouldn't be a good President. You wouldn't have suffered enough.

Malcolm

I've been suffering all my life!

Lois

I'm sorry, but it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you, and you will want so much for them to like you and they just won't. And that'll break your heart, and that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes, and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world! I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.

Hal

That's Dewey.

Dewey

[gleeful] Really?

Malcolm

This is unbelievable! You actually expect me to become President?! No, no, I'm sorry- you expect me to be one of the greatest Presidents in the history of the United States!

Lois

You look me in the eye and tell me you can't do it. [Malcolm can only stand in silence]