Lois quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Oh, flashing the brights. It's gonna be like that, huh? (slams on the brakes while the car behind him honks)

Lois

Good Lord, Hal! He could have a gun!

S2 E1 Traffic Jam

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Lois

Dewey. Where's the baby-sitter?

Dewey

She's ran away.

Lois

You got rid of another baby-sitter? I can't believe you boys.

S2 E1 Traffic Jam

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Lois

It was Kitty Kenarban, she invited a dinner.

Good for you.

Lois

I am talking about everyone. It will be nice to dinner out with decent people. I wonder why people never invite us to dinner

I think I see a couple of hungry seals!

(The boys act like seals while Hal throws the spaghetti in their mouths)

S2 E4 "Dinner Out"

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Hal [to Lois]: Okay, here's the plan if we want to ditch out of this thing. At the beginning, I'll say that I think I might be coming down with something...

Lois

Hal, I don't want to ditch out of this. I'm looking forward to it. The Kenarbans are nice people, and they want to be friends with us.

So, you're saying I'm on my own here?

S2 E4 "Dinner Out"

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[After Stevie punches Reese]

Stevie, what the hell do you think you're doing?! You are in so much trouble! This behavior is totally unacceptable! We are at a restaurant. What is wrong with you? (Stevie is about to speak) Don't you take that tone with me! You just wait till we get home!

Reese

He bruised the bone.

Lois

Oh, like you didn't deserve it. (to Kitty) Good for you! I knew you had it in you.

Shut your trap!

WWaiter

Excuse me, don't you mind please keeping it down?

Would you mind going to hell?! And I absolutely did order tea! How hard is it to remember a stupid drink order, you idiot?!

Abe [drunk]: Kitty, there's going to be some changes...

(to Abe) And you, Mr. Ho Hos in his sock drawer! Who do you think you're kidding?

Lois

Honey, you have to pace yourself.

(to Abe) And another thing, Don Juan. There are two people in that bed!

S2 E4 "Dinner Out"

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Dewey, I only have one phone call, so put your mother on the phone so she can come pick us up.

(Dewey puts the phone down)

Lois

Who was that?

Dewey

Wrong number.

S2 E5 "Casino"

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Lois

Hal, you made me sit in the car for eight hours a day listening to Keno. Now you're telling me you don't want to gamble?

We are surrounded by the great outdoors, Lois. I mean, we could all go for a hike.

Lois

Okay, what have you done?

Uh...

Lois

Why are you avoiding the casino?

S2 E5 "Casino"

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Lois [to Hal]: In 30 seconds, I'm going to instruct these men to let you go.

(all worked up) Thank you, Lois. Thank you.

Lois

And then you will have a choice. You can indulge your primal urges with him, or... you can come back to the motel...and indulge your primal urges with me.

(looks at Lois, then at Tom, then at Lois again) Don't trivialize my anger, Lois! I mean, there are some things that you just don't try to talk people out of. (calming down) I have a legitimate situation here.

Lois

(sympathetic) I know, baby. (kisses Hal)

(Hal calms down whimpering. The guards release Hal and Tom. Hal and Lois leave, arm in arm, but as Hal passes Tom, he smacks him. Tom gets feisty, but soon realizes that Hal/Lois are leaving innocently.)

S2 E6 "Convention"

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Lois

Craig, that button's been disconnected for a year now.

What? Why?

Lois

Because you kept pressing the damn thing.

In an emergency, that's what it's for.

Lois

Oh, "emergencies" like when you saw a bee. Or when you saw that big fly that you thought was a bee. What about the time you thought you saw a ghost?

I'm not saying that it was or wasn't, but you can't tell me that what we saw was normal.

S2 E7 "Robbery"

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Trust me, anything you say won't hurt me.

RRobber

Yeah, how about you give us all the money and every other cash register?

Oh, my God, a gun!

Lois

Craig, don't panic. We just give them the money from every cash register and they leave.

What about the safe?

RRobber

What safe?

-ty, safe-ty of the customers.

S2 E7 "Robbery"

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Lois

Can we hurry this along?

R1Robber #1

Yeah, if someone would give us the combination.

Lois

Well, I can't, but the assistant manager can.

R1Robber #1

Great, what's the combo?

No.

LRLois & Robber #1

What?

You can't have it.

Lois

Craig, yes, they can.

Robber #2 (pushes Robber #1 aside): Watch out, I'll get it. (takes gun out) WHAT'S THE COMBO?!?!?!

(Craig passes out)

S2 E7 "Robbery"

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(Lois gets up and leaves; Craig is shocked)

Robber #1 [to Craig]: Whoa, chubs, you got busted.

(Craig rises; Robber #1 is afraid, gets back, and goes to his partner; the two look at him)

You want this?! You want this safe?! You want this stupid-stupid-stupid safe?! (he lifts it up; the robbers are shocked) Here's your stupid safe!!!!

(The robbers get out of the way and the safe hits the floor and breaks open)

R1Robber #1

Cool.

(Robber #2 grabs the pack of money and the two take off)

Lois

My God! Craig, are you alright?

I felt something rip, and if it wasn't my pants, it was inside me.

S2 E7 "Robbery"

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Lois [to Malcolm]: Where's your jester costume?

Malcolm

In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.

Lois

Put it on. I didn't stay up all night for my health.

S2 E8 "Therapy"

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Malcolm

Why don't you just put a bulls-eye on my chest and get it over with?

Lois

Oh, you look fine. (The bells on Malcolm's costume jingle) And Reese will tell me if you take these off.

S2 E8 "Therapy"

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Lois

And when I do, we are all gonna clean up this disaster of a closet. It's gonna be our new family project.