Lois quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Reese

Geez, you're always so angry. Maybe you really do need therapy.

Malcolm

What I need is for you not to ruin everything for me. Do you know how much trouble we'd be in if we get caught. With Mom, with the school, WITH MOM!!

Reese

Give me a little credit, psycho. I've been doing my own research. (takes rental videos out) See, I rented Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and the Nutty Professor.

Malcolm

Oh, God! Reese, tell me exactly what you told her.

Reese

Nope. That's confidential. Now, which do you like more? Hannibal Lector or the hockey mask.

Lois

Malcolm? Reese? What do you have to say for yourselves?

Reese

Don't blame Reese? Blame Davey. (Lois grabs his finger and breaks it) Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Lois

(while cleaning out the closet) Who are the Petersons? Why do we have their photo albums? Hi, Malcolm. How was school?

Malcolm

It was normal. Yeah, I'd say normal. Very medieval. (pointing in the closet) Is that a truck tire?

Lois

What? Oh, my... Hal!

Lois

Well, that's not fair! What do they expect him to do, beat up a girl?

Reese

I get to beat up a girl...cool!

Eric

Hold him down! You, shave his butt!

Francis

Mom, I'm calling to remind you that today is the last day to buy me a plane ticket home for my...[lowers voice] birthday!

Lois

Honey, we talked about this. We can't fly you back in the middle of the week; you'd only be here for 8 hours.

Francis

But Mom-!

Lois

Sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish things were different, but you were just home for Thanksgiving and that's all we can afford right now.

Francis

Mom, you don't know what they do to people around here on their...[lowers voice] birthday! They strip you naked and they shave every hair off your body, then they throw you in the reflecting pond! Is that what you want for me?!

Lois

I'm impressed, Francis. Your stories are getting better, at least more believable!

Francis

What stories?!

Lois

Oh, like when you wanted to come home for that party and you swore the Academy was being terrorised by a pack of feral dogs?

Francis

Which were never caught!

Malcolm

She had my ball.

Lois

You broke her arm for a ball?

Malcolm

No, I already had the ball. I just pushed her away.

Lois

You pushed her and broke her arm for a ball?

Hal

Was it a special ball, son?

Malcolm

Every day??!!

Lois

Not one word! Every day!! End of story!

Lois

[at Mrs.Griffin's Doorstep] Malcolm get your things, we're going home. I'm so sorry for all of this.

Sorry for what?

Lois

My son stole your car and was out joyriding in it.

Joyriding?! It was no joyride for me. I was passed out in the back seat.

Lois

What?!

I made a mistake with my medication and he drove me to the hospital.

Lois

What's wrong?

Malcolm

Some crazy new girl from school actually followed me home.

Lois

Really? Is she cute? Is this what this whole boxers shorts thing is all about. (approaches the door and looks through the peephole)

Malcolm

Mom, please don't.

Cynthia

Hi!

Cynthia

Thanks for inviting me to dinner.

Lois

Your quite welcome. I'm sure if my son wasn't a rude selfish little pig, he would have invited you himself.

Hal

Reese's report card, it is much better than last time.

Lois

Really?

Hal

Yeah, this time he used the exact same brand pen as the teacher to change his grade.

Lois

Look at that, he gave himself a "C" in math instead of "A+".

Hal

Yeah, it's subtle, nice attention to detail. He's really learning. Two months grounded?

Lois

3 months, scrubbing toilets.

Dewey

Their gnome wants to eat me. It's evil.

Lois

They're all evil, sweetie.

Reese

AHH! Get away from me! AH! Get away from me!

Lois

Uh, your daughter is biting my son.

Reese

She won't let go!

Oh, look, they're just playing.

Reese

Ow, it hurts! It hurts! Mommy! Oww! Ow!

Lois

Now, honey, if you want to breathe, you're gonna have to open your mouth and let go of my son.

Lois

Boys, I need to speak to your father alone.

Reese

So? You have a bedroom, we're eating!

Lois

There's got to be 500 gallons of paint up there.

Hal

There isn't... yeah, that's about right.

Hal

This is good meat loaf. New recipe?

Lois

Nope. Same as it's always been.

Hal

Ah, come on.

Lois

Oh, you know what, I ran out of tomato sauce and used ketchup instead.