King of the Hill quotes

Dale

Say, ol' top, that truck is quite the gas puzzler. How many offsets can I put you down for?

Hank

You can put me down for kicking your ass. What kind of stupid got-dang idea is this?

Dale

This is the perfect plan. Strickland agreed to let me plant the trees on some land he isn't using, Bobby and Joseph agreed to do the planting, and I agreed to take the money.

Hank

Buying carbon offsets isn't gonna fix Strickland's image. It's just cheating.

Dale

Who's to say what's cheating?

Hank

Is Leonard DiCaprio cheating when he offsets riding around in a private jet? Yes.

Dale

Oh, Hank, you just don't get it.

Ted Wassanasong

This was no act of God; look at those sledgehammer marks! It was the act of rednecks, on a drunken rampage.

Dale

(After they rebuild neighbor's house) We should do this to Bill's house when he dies.

Bill

What a nice lady. We used to talk about puppies and serial killers through the fence.

Hank

[seeing Joe Jack in his MySpace profile] What's Joe Jack doing there?

So, who wants to get kicked in the ding dong?

Hank

[spotting Donna's message] "Hello, Hank; and goodbye."

[Hank enters Carl's office] Hank, thank God you're here. You got to help me.

Hank

Help you? Kicking your ass seems more appropriate, Carl.

I'm just going to come clean here. I just labeled those kids special needs so they wouldn't take the test.

Hank

Of course you did.

I'm really stuck here. I don't have anyone to take the blame. Emily's too young to take the fall and everybody thinks Dale Gribble's a special-needs kid.

Hank

[sits on the chair] You have to let those kids take the standardized test. If they pass, it'll prove they're not special, they're just a bunch of kids acting like jackasses, and that you didn't do anything wrong. a... at that moment.

But those kids will never pass the test.

Hank

All they need to be pushed a little, Carl. That's all they ever needed.

I guess we can try educating them.

[after Dale rode the log ride losing Bobby and the group] Gribble! Where are your dumb kids?

Bill

Hank's going to become a tugboat captain.

Hank

When you open a pocket knife, you need to keep your hand...

Bobby

Ow!

Hank

You okay? Uh, you might want to hold your hand above your head.

Lucky

I've seen a lot of nature documentaries, and I find that most of life's questions can be answered with another question: what would a monkey do?

Hank Hill

[to his new grandniece] Aw, you're a cute one, I tell you what.

Gotdog! Ray Roy! Now, I hope you got two girls in there! [Buck runs into the room and finds Ray Roy in bed with Ms. Scovall]

What the... ?! I told you to stand in line! You didn't stand in line, boy.

Hell, Daddy, that line was moving too slow. I just had to do cutsies.

Cut... Why you son of a... [Buck jumps on the bed and he and Ray Roy start fighting]

Hank

[overhears them in the hall] Oh No.

[She's cheering on Buck and Ray Roy as they're fighting] Yeah. Yeah. Woo hoo.

[Buck is choking Ray Roy] Ow. [Ray Roy then throws him to the ground]

Hank

[Hank walks into the room. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

Oh, Hank, we were just letting off a little steam.

Hank

I have tried with all my might to save you from yourself, Mr. Strickland. Well, not anymore. You're on your own. You should be ashamed of yourselves. And that includes you, Ms. Scovall. You have not honored propane.

He's right. I should be ashamed of myself. But I never am.

Son, what's the bad part of Memphis called?

Memphis!