Shendu quotes from Jackie Chan Adventures

Valmont

Shendu...I despise you.

I heard that!

Whoa, boss! You can't go in where no man has gone before.

We are not going in, fool! Hsi Wu the Sky Demon is coming out!

[as Bai Tza is lreleased] Whoa. Fish out of water.

Bai Tza

At last! Liberation! And now for some libation...which will require moister climes than this!

Ah ah ah! Now that I have opened the last portal, sister Bai Tza, it is time to liberate me from my prison of flesh!

[grabs Shendu] You DARE request your freedom?!

Have I not earned it?! As promised, I have released all of our brothers and sisters!

Bai Tza

How curious then, THAT SIX DEMON SORCERORS REMAIN TRAPPED IN THE VOID! I should obliderate you on their behalf!

I held my part of the bargain! You cannot blame me for the meddlings of Jackie Chan!

Valmont

[as Shendu grows new features on Valmont's body, such as green skin, scales, and a horn] Wearing the skirt is demeaning enough, Shendu, but this is over the line!

Do you think I am pleased with our union, Valmont?! If I am to remain in your pathetic body, I must at least make a few cosmetic improvements! Now hold still while I sprout our tail!

Uh, can we be excused, Shendu?

Yeah, seeing as how we opened all the portals for you...

You don't need us to carry old Pan'ku anymore.

Never seeing any of you ever again would make me a very happy dragon.

Say "Bye bye" to Valmont! [enforcers begin to leave]

I hear Utah's nice this time of year!

Anywhere but here!

Valmont

Weren't you listening Shendu?! If we stay here, we will drown!

Not if we have gills!

Bai Tza

Now about the Eighth Door, Shendu, it is the portal of your banishment. Only you may pass through it.

That once was true Bai Tza, but now that I am a spirit, my portal is vacant, waiting to be filled by others.

Tso Lan

You mean another. Only one may pass through each portal.

Xiao Fung

That is the rule.

...Do you think I have been dallying here?! [holds up a phone book] I have discovered a spell, uh which will keep the portal open until the last of you is free! In fact, I was just preparing to journey to it when you called. Hak Foo! Bring me- [the Pan'Ku Box is being lifted away by Jackie] THE PAN'KU BOX?!

Hak Foo

Shark snatches bait! [leaps for the box]

Bai Tza

What shark?

Xiao Fung

What is he talking about?

Jade

[whipsers brightfully] Jackie!

Bai Tza

Shendu, what is happening?!

Uhh, Hak Foo always sounds the gong as we take our leave. Which reminds me...[begins to cover up the mirror] See you all at my portal! [covers the mirror]

Bai Tza

Shendu!

Can he be trusted?

Of course not!

Xiao Fung

Yet we have no other options.

Tso Lan

But all of eternity to punish him, should he again deceive us.

Valmont

And we are on our way to China, why?

Chan has stolen the Pan'Ku Box. Clearly he wants to find my portal so he can seal it.

Valmont

Now why would Chan go through all the trouble if he knows you don't need the portal to pass between the realms?

For good measure I suppose. Meanwhile, my brothers and sisters are expecting me to open my door and free them!

Hak Foo

I brought your spellbook. [holds out the phonebook to Shendu]

...YOU BROUGHT THE PHONEBOOK YOU SIMPLETON! I was bluffing! [throws the book aside]

Valmont

So there is no way to free all of them.

Of course there is! ...I...just...need to find it. That's all.

[after Shendu's portal closes] That, is number eight.

Tso Lan

Which would make us fresh out of portals.

Hsi Wu

[filming Shendu with Jade's camera] Say "Chi Spell"!

Perhaps we should seek a...tear in the Time-Space Continuum...

Stop!

Hsi Wu

What is it now, Shendu?

Admittedly, I have failed you, my siblings. [is struck by lightning again] But I may yet save you as well! We can all regain our freedom, and even reclaim the centuries wasted in this void, if you allow me to pursue one last recourse.

Humph! And that would be?

The Book of Ages.

Ludicrous!

Hsi Wu

Even we never dared to tamper with that!

Bai Tza

You risk altering the very fabric of reality!

Am I to assume this reality pleases you, sister?

Hmm... These are desparate times.

Then I will make things right. All you need do is allow me to once more depart from this realm and possess a human. The right human.

[as Jade approaches him on his throne] Why do you not bow?!

Jackie

Oh, your scaliness! [bowing] Please excuse my slow-witted niece! [Shendu picks him up by his ponytail]

If she were not excused, she would be in flames! NOW FETCH MY DINNER! [drops him]

Jackie

[bowing intensely] Yes master!

Jade

[nervously] Jackie?

Jackie

[holding a platter of grubs; clears throat] Tasty treats, for his glorious excellence!

[eating from the platter] What a good slave you make, Jackie Chan.

My joy is to serve you, master!

[after shooting Jackie with fire; only to see that Jackie is unharmed] How can it be? [Jackie opens a palm to reveal the Dog Talisman] My Talisman!

Jackie

I'm sorry, I'll give it back, thank you!

[groans in pain] Ohhh...

Jackie

How did I do that?

And why do you not catch fire? [Jackie reveals the Ox Talisman]

Jade

Dog makes you immortal, Ox makes you super strong. What else we got? [reveals the Talismans] Speedy Rabbit, levitating Rooster, invisible Snake, and explosive Dragon. Oh...good ones! [Shendu recovers from the rubble of his bed] Maybe we better not try for the other half dozen.

[recovering the Ox Talisman] CHAN!

So he is behind this!

Tso Lan

And things were going so well...

Bai Tza

We were almost even beginning to like you, brother.

What do you mean? I was just coming to visit-

Hsi Wu? He has been banished to the Netherworld!

[distorted] Hey-hey-hey-hey! I'm Marlon Moose!

Technology? The child!

Tso Lan

She somehow escaped the historical alterations!

Bai Tza

And if she knows the history that was...

Then Chan now knows of the Book!

Get away from the Book! Surrender, your team has been neutralized!

Jade

Big whoop. [runs to the Book of Ages] If I can't find Shendu's changes, I'll make some of my own! [begins writing] "...and then Jackie grew twenty feet tall."

Now Jackie is the greatest!

YOU! [charges Jade]

Jackie

Shendu! [leaps and kicks Shendu to the ground]

The girl!

Jade

[writing more] ...Here comes...Super Tohru. [Tohru is transformed into a flying strong superhero, and tosses Dai Gui aside; Jade continues writing] Say hello, to Robo-Viper. [Viper is transformed into a mechanical robot warrior]

Viper

Like nuking fish in a barrel. [blasts Bai Tza]

[takes the brush from Jade] My turn! [writes and grows El Toro bigger]

Jade

Hey! No fair!

Now El Toro is the greatest!

Jade

[takes the brush back] Jackie is!

El Toro!

Jade

No, Jackie!

El Toro!

Jade

Jackie!

El Toro!

El Toro!

You want to defeat the demons? Yes? Then write that Uncle banishes the Demons already!

Duh!

I grow impatient, Valmont! I trust your men were able to pull off a simple robbery?

Mayor Valmont

Rest assured, Shendu. My boys will be rendezvousing with us momentarily. [Finn and Ratso walk into the cave] You see?

Uh, ran into a little trouble.

That sheriff you hired.

Mayor Valmont

You didn't get the gold?!

Fools!

Hey, hold on Shen-dude! Ain't exactly like we came back empty-handed! [Ratso clicks, and a horse enters the cave] Got the horse off the stagecoach just like you asked.

I didn't want the horse, I wanted the Horse TALISMAN!

Oh... uh, what's a talisman?

My patience wears thin, Valmont. Every moment spent imprisoned in this stone casement is an eternity lost!

Valmont

I assure you Shendu, my men are spending every waking moment searching for your Talismans.

Aw, come on, I wanna see the baseball scores!

Nuh-uh! Not until I finish checking out Stewie Cablooie. He's the bomb!

You two! Come closer!

Uh oh...

Show me the parchment.

[shows Shendu the Sports section] You a Giants fan, Shendu?

Argh! Turn it over!

The hair plugs ad?

[seeing an article about an ancient statue] The statue of Lo Pei...

You wanna see Lo Pei, oughta check out my salary. Get it? Low pay?