Tso Lan quotes from Jackie Chan Adventures

Tso Lan

Behold, my mastery of gravity.

Once I make Jackie Chan pay, I shall tear that buffoon Valmont to pieces-!

SILENCE! The only future you have is here with us, brother!

Xiao Fung

Indeed. Let the eternal torment begin!

"Torment"? "Eternal"?!

Tso Lan

To punish your betrayal, Shendu. You chose to spend your time ruling China.

Bai Tza

While we withered in this bone-dry pit!

Hsi Wu

Bored out of our wits all those centuries, each exactly like the one before it!

You never even attempted to free us!

[nervously] I... your rescue was in the planning stages, but I became imprisoned in a statue-

Excuses! You desired the earthly realm for you alone! [strikes Shendu with lightning]

Hsi Wu

A shame you never learned to share, brother.

No, wait! I can free you!

Bai Tza

Do not toy with us! The doorways can only be opened from the other side.

The human side.

Precisely. As the humble spirit you now see before you, I am free to cross over and possess any human I wish, enabling me to undo the sacred spells that keep you here... if you so deem it.

So, I trust you would agree that my, err... martyrdom has left a void for a new, stronger evil to fill - namely you, my brothers and sisters. Shall I proceed, then?

Gah! What trick is this?!

Hsi Wu

You have proven crafty, brother. So we require a safety measure.

Bai Tza

Our spell will keep you bound within a human of your choosing, until you release us.

Xiao Fung

A precaution, so that we know exactly where to find you!

Tso Lan

In the event we deem it necessary to resume your eternal torment.

I accept your terms. I will choose my vessel well to best serve you. And the human most capable for this task is my nemesis: Jackie Chan!

Tso Lan, so good to see you.

Tso Lan

Skip the pleasantries, Shendu. I am interested only in seizing control of the Moon's gravity, so that I may pull the ball from its orbit.

Jade

But- But that'll wreck all of Earth's ecosystems!

How do you know?

Jade

I watch the Science Network! [Ratso blows a raspberry at Jade]

Tso Lan

The child is correct. And only then will Earth's landscape be to my liking.

Whoa! He wants to kabosh the planet!

And you made us let him out?!

Just be glad you are up here.

Bai Tza

Now about the Eighth Door, Shendu, it is the portal of your banishment. Only you may pass through it.

That once was true Bai Tza, but now that I am a spirit, my portal is vacant, waiting to be filled by others.

Tso Lan

You mean another. Only one may pass through each portal.

Xiao Fung

That is the rule.

...Do you think I have been dallying here?! [holds up a phone book] I have discovered a spell, uh which will keep the portal open until the last of you is free! In fact, I was just preparing to journey to it when you called. Hak Foo! Bring me- [the Pan'Ku Box is being lifted away by Jackie] THE PAN'KU BOX?!

Hak Foo

Shark snatches bait! [leaps for the box]

Bai Tza

What shark?

Xiao Fung

What is he talking about?

Jade

[whipsers brightfully] Jackie!

Bai Tza

Shendu, what is happening?!

Uhh, Hak Foo always sounds the gong as we take our leave. Which reminds me...[begins to cover up the mirror] See you all at my portal! [covers the mirror]

Bai Tza

Shendu!

Can he be trusted?

Of course not!

Xiao Fung

Yet we have no other options.

Tso Lan

But all of eternity to punish him, should he again deceive us.

Hsi Wu

[flying to the other Demons with Jade] Brothers and sisters, I bring you the mortal called, Jade! [Jade gasps]

Mmmm, yummy!

Jade

Uhh, if you think you're all getting out, well I hate to break it to you, but Shendu's lying. [the Demons begin to murmur amongst themselves] Only one of you can go through the portal. End of story.

How do you know?

Jade

Uncle told me.

Bai Tza

The Chi Wizard!

Tso Lan

So Shendu did deceive us.

Xiao Fung

There's a surprise.

Jade

So, uh, which one of you is it gonna be?

Xiao Fung

Surely there must be a civil way to resolve this.

Tso Lan

Like what? Alphabetical order?

[after Shendu's portal closes] That, is number eight.

Tso Lan

Which would make us fresh out of portals.

Hsi Wu

[filming Shendu with Jade's camera] Say "Chi Spell"!

Perhaps we should seek a...tear in the Time-Space Continuum...

[recovering the Ox Talisman] CHAN!

So he is behind this!

Tso Lan

And things were going so well...

Bai Tza

We were almost even beginning to like you, brother.

What do you mean? I was just coming to visit-

Hsi Wu? He has been banished to the Netherworld!

[distorted] Hey-hey-hey-hey! I'm Marlon Moose!

Technology? The child!

Tso Lan

She somehow escaped the historical alterations!

Bai Tza

And if she knows the history that was...

Then Chan now knows of the Book!