Margaret, you like sweat, don't you. Margaret--it is Margaret, isn't it? Of course it is. You know, your eyebrow drives me crazy. It's so thick, i'ts so dark, so very...connected. You're a stone cold fox, Margaret. You're a stone cold fox, and I want you. I gotta have you--I need you. I want you inside me. But you know that, don't you, Margaret?
S3 E4The Gang Gets Held Hostage
When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast...Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way.
Start breaking bricks wet nips!
Dude, I swear to god if you try and give me a noogie I will yank your underwear over your head so hard your asshole will rip in half.
(walks in from the office) Helloooo!!! What's up bitches?
Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Like tissue paper.
GET ON YER KNEES BITCHES!
We're takin' you bitches hostage.
S3 E5The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty McGoo
What is this thing?
That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.
No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.
Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right, look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. OK, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"
Oh God.
And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're into it and it's hot and it's passionate.
Charlie...
And then it's just you and me babe...
Oh my God.
Dee, can I talk to you for a second? Look, I know what you're trying to do. You wanna show this girl what's what. I get that. And I think if you just buckle down and join the team--
Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old-lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me. And it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder because I've got a fatty to burn.
S3 E6The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation
Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
I see a door marked "Private." Is that the door you're talking about?
Nah, I was talking abou...I didn't say...did you...what did you hear?
I heard you say "There was a door marked pirate living in there."
Well are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?
You're the one that....Jesus Christ man, shit.
It's locked! All right, let me try this out.
What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work!
Why not?
We're not at your apartment, shithead!
Well how many possible lock combinations can there be?
Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions.
Well eventually they're gonna overlap--
They're not ever gonna--
You know what, you're right, it's not working.
Oh, no shit.
Well it was worth a try!
It was not worth a try.
Those goddam North Koreans.
They are some sneaky bastards.
When she jumps up on the stage we'll blast her with the water, the crowd will go crazy, the other girls are gonna wanna join in, and we will save the bar and then she'll break up with Charlie ruining any hopes for happiness that that son of a bitch ever had.
I agree with the first part but the second part seems incredibly harsh.
It's the best goddamn part.
S3 E7The Gang Sells Out
You promised you wouldn't bring up the helicopter!
Dude, you're not the boss of me, okay?
Technically, Charlie, I am the boss of you, because I own half your shares!
Since when?
You sold me half your shares of the bar for "goods and services"!
Wait, you've definitely given me half your shares too, dude!
Maybe I gave you guys a couple of shares when my back was against the wall and I needed a little breathing room--
Bro, you gave me a shitload of shares one time for half a sandwich!
What're you guys doing? Is this a hose job, where you're hosing me down?
Dude, you hosed yourself down!
You hosed yourself up and down, Charlie!
C'mon, what do you guys want me to do?
I don't care!
Yeah, get a job!
Oh, get a job?
Yeah!
Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet, and squeeze down into a job cannon, AND FIRE OFF INTO JOBLAND, WHERE JOBS GROW ON JOBBIES?!!!
I see what you're saying. I could go for some wood.
Uh, no, we're saying 'wooed'.
Yeah, cool. We'll get some wood, we'll build something cool, then we'll go get the money.
That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, Charlie. We're talking about being wooed by this corporate guy...
How are you going to be wood?
Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way we're totally cool with that. To each his own.
Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Oh no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear.
Ohh don't think so bro. Not hairy enough.
Smooth. I would be a bear.
No no, see I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you would be, because you're definitely not a twink.
I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears?
I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth, but I think more often than not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power-bottoms.
What's a power-bottom?
A power-bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See, a power-bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work.
Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?
Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it.
Speed has everything to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right, buddy?
(notices that Corporate Guy has left)
Goddammit!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.