Frank Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

So, there's no pay?

Mac

I just told you what the pay was!

Frank

He told you what the goddamn pay was!

Dennis

Is this supposed to be dirt? it smells like shit!

Frank

It is shit! Its a barnyard!

Dennis

Frank, nobody is gonna step in shit!

Frank

This slot defeats the purpose. I can see your eyes! We might as well get married.

Dennis

It's the safest way, Frank.

Frank

Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.

Frank

I can't believe they're dead.

Dennis

I can't believe they didn't include me in their suicide pact.

Dee

What, are you crazy? They're not dead! They're definitely doing something stupid, but they're not dead.

Dennis

You saw the tape, Dee! My best friends went out in a blaze of glory, and they didn't even ask me to be part of it! This is terrible!

Dee

Are you buying this? That is ridiculous. Dennis, they left us a list of demands!

Frank

What are you talking about? That's their last will and testament, that is not demands!

Dee

It says at the top, "list of demands"!

Frank

Well, whatever. It's their wishes, and we have to honor them.

Dee

Oh, we do? We have to honor them? Okay, let's see, Frank. Charlie's number one: "My ashes are to be made into a tea and to be drinken by every-wan in bar."

Frank

Done!

Dennis

Ugh. Damn it. Gross. Fine, what else?

Dee

Mac's number one: "In lieu of a body - which was most likely blown up in the most awesome way imaginable - I would like the duster to be burned, and its ashes buried in an unmarked grave somewhere by the river."

Dennis

Okay, well, that's crazy. I'm not gonna burn or bury the duster.

Dee

Oh yeah, we also both have to name our firstborn child Murphy, because that was RoboCop's name.

Dennis

Goddamn it! Mac is dead, and he's still bossing me around!

Dee

Mac is not dead, Dennis.

Frank

How can you be so cold?

Dee

HE BLEW UP MY CAR!

Dennis

Not burning the duster...

Dee

YOU'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT A COAT?!

Dennis

ABSOLUTELY!

Dennis

Um, okay well, I guess this is probably...is probably gonna be it so we should get started. Um, what to say about Mac. Umm...he certainly was...angry.

Frank

Burn the duster!

Dennis

Hey, I'm not burning the duster! Okay, I'm not burning the duster. Alright. That's crazy. That's like...that's insane. Why would I ever burn...heh...I mean c'mon...I will continue to wear it in his honor and I will burn some other things. You know, maybe like these stupid god damn sleeveless t-shirts that he wants "retired" and hung up in the bar. I'll burn these, but I am not burning the duster. Okay? So forget it. It probably won't even burn anyway. It's not supposed to, it's flame retardant. That's like the whole point. It's like a shield of armor. So stop asking me to burn the duster! I'm not going to burn it! So...end of story, you know? Let's just move on. Okay? So...yeah, alright, well uh thank you.

Mac

Kaboom!

Dee

Surprise, bitches! We're alive and it's blowing your minds right now!

Charlie

Hahahahahaha!

Dennis

No, it is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive.

Charlie

Huh?

Dennis

Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.

Mac

How?

Dennis

'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume. Okay? Did you think you were being like crafty? And I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? I wanted to piss you off.

Dee

Well what about me? Did you want to piss me off?

Dennis

Uhh...you I thought might have actually been murdered.

Dee

That's what I thought.

Charlie

So hold on a second. So, Frank, you knew too?

Frank

Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew.

Charlie

And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like uh...to teach me a lesson or...?

Frank

[Long pause] Yeah.

Charlie

Did I see you bang that thing?

Frank

Nah. I did it.

Dennis

What?

Frank

I did 'em all! I did all the poops!

Mac

Really?

Frank

Yeah, I did every one of them, I even did one while she was wrapping up right here!

Charlie

Why would you do that, dude?!

Frank

Because poop is funny!

Dee

[aiming a gun at a pumpkin on Frank's head] Ready?

Frank

Yes.

Dee

All right.

Frank

Shoot!

Dee

One, two, three..

Charlie

[comes running in] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing!?

Frank

I stole a bunch of guns! I'm testing them out, Charles! This revolution is gonna make us a fortune!

Charlie

All right, well, leave the pumpkin out of it, the pumpkin's innocent.

Frank

Shoot the pumpkin.

Charlie

Do not shoot the pumpkin, please.

Dee

OK.

Charlie

Gimme the gun.

Dee

Fine.

Charlie

Why is the witch slave shooting at you, anyway?

Frank

Maybe she used her sorcery.

Dee

Sorcery?! Your dumb dick partner walked into the bar, said he stole a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. Of course I did, so here we are.

Frank

Damn your necromancy, woman!

Dee

Oh my God!

Charlie

Maybe if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch.

Dee

You know what? OK, you guys. I tell you what, you win! I'm a witch, OK? I'm a witch and I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns!

Charlie

[points gun at Dee and pulls trigger but gun malfunctions]

Dee

Charlie! Goddammit! [storms off]

Frank

Gimme that gun!

Charlie

She cursed the gun!

Frank

[aims at the door Dee walked through and pulls trigger] She put a curse on the gun!

Charlie

[pulls out another gun] Let's try this one. [aims at Frank and pulls trigger]

Frank

Nothin'!

Charlie

Try me! [strikes a pose]

Frank

[pulls trigger but still nothing happens]

Frank

You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll.

Charlie

Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul". And I know, Artemis, you did write "soul", right?

Artemis

[writing on her script] I did write "soul". I definitely did.

Mac

Charlie, can I bring something up?

Charlie

Yes.

Mac

Um, I think we have to be very careful about how we do the rape scene.

Charlie

W--what on God's green earth are you talking about? There's no rape scene.

Mac

...Well, sure. I pay the troll toll and then I rape Dennis. Classy--

Dennis

Tasteful!

Charlie

No, you don't rape him, you become him! You do not rape him.

Frank

He doesn't?

Charlie

No! [sighs] Look, let me just walk you guys through this, okay? Here's what happens: once you've paid the toll, I want you to come over to Dennis over by his bed here, okay?

Dennis

I'll be- I'll be lying back-

Mac

You want me to cross the stage?

Charlie

Yes.

Mac

Alright, this is a great opportunity to showcase some skills, just put on a clinic--

Charlie

I--I'd rather you didn't? I'd rather you didn't.

Mac

Well, I think the people are gonna want to see that... and then, I hop up like a cat. [jumps up] Like so. Meow.

Charlie

Oh, Jesus Christ, let's leave it at that. Okay, once he gets near you, you have to sense him, okay? Suddenly, you sense him.

Mac

What if I were to position him in a way where I get behind him, and then Frank could throw that blanket that he's got right there over us? And then that way you can't see the penetration.

Dennis

That's a good idea. You know what, Charlie? Because the blanket will make the raping--I'm sorry, the, uh...sexing from behind feel more classy.

Mac

That's good. And then what I could do is thrust this way, and you can struggle.

You know what? This family, behind me, has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.

Frank

That's bullbird man.

Charlie

Alright.

Frank

Whaddaya got there?

Charlie

Lemme handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points. Look buddy, I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings, uh, I'm well educated, well versed. I know that situations like this, real-estate wise, are complex.

Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler-plate.

Charlie

Okay. Well we're all hungry. We'll get to our hot-plates soon enough. Let's talk about the contract here.

I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?

Charlie

Well I could ask you that very same question.

I went to Harvard.

Charlie

Ah, mhm.

How about you? Hm? Uh?

Charlie

I'm pleading the fifth, sir.

I'd advise that you do that.

Charlie

And I'll take that advice into cooperation, alright? Now what say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird-law and see how comes out the victor?

You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can see clearly you know nothing about the law. It seems like you have a tenuous grasp of the English language in general.

Charlie

(said as fly flies past his head) I, uh, well, filibuster!

Do you.. Do you know what that word means?

Charlie

Ah-yup!

Yeah, whats that mean?

Charlie

uhhhhhhh. AHHHHHHH!!!(proceeds to slam through the door)

Frank

All right, now, pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken. And you're gonna cook it tonight, make a tasty dinner. It's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.

Actually, I'm vegan.

Frank

Okay then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it is a shoe.

Dee

Nice one.

Mac

Does anybody else feel really uncomfortable?

Charlie

Yes, we're completely under-dressed. It's embarrassing.

Dennis

What are we doing here Frank? What's your angle?

Frank

I want to bang your Aunt Donna.

Dennis

Why would you want to bang our mom's sister at the funeral of her husband?

Frank

Well, I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm going to get really weird with it. Meanwhile, block the wind. I'm going to roast this bone.

Mac

Jesus Christ!

Mac

Okay, Frank, here's another idea..

Frank

Whoa! Whoa! Where'd you come from?

Mac

I've been walking next to you the entire time.

Frank

Sorry, I'm a little...I'm a little lit. I've been going over this thing, I'm trying to figure out how...

Mac

How to bang Donna. I know. You've been talking about it for the last 5 miles.

Frank

This is depressing. (To Artemis) Want to go get sweaty in the bathroom?

Artemis

You know it.

Dee

(angrily) No! No one's getting sweaty in my bathroom! Just get out of here!

Frank

Alright fine! We'll go get sweaty in the Wendy's bathroom.

Dee

Great, go have sex at Wendy's! Wonderful! just get out of here!