Look, Mac, I'm tired, I want to go home, I just want to wash my hands of this whole stinkin' mess, so I'm gonna ask you just one time: did you, or did you not, snap into a distinct and alternate personality, and go on a serial killing rampage?
Wha...yes you did. You're two people, right? Let's see the other one. Let him out.
The serial killer! Let the serial killer out!
FrankThen why all the shady behavior?
I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out!
(beat)
Frank
Dennis is a prostitute now.
No, I'm not a prostitute, OK?
Frank
Yes, he is.
There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion.
No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.
Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes.
You know what, I'm walking from this. [Frank slaps him] Ow. What the hell, dude?!
Frank
I'm knocking some sense into you, Dennis. This is all you got.
[He slaps Dennis again]
Ah! Dude, why do you keep hitting me?
Frank
Don't talk back to me.
Frank
Look, I'm going to get you out of this. It's you and me against the world. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you.
Frank
I promise. And hey, I don't want to hit you, baby. So please don't make me, OK? You're my one and only. You've go to do right by me, OK?
Frank
Oh no, I'm going out, I'm going guns blazing!
Rise up! Gonna get higher and higher!
Rickety Cricket! Lookin' good bro'.
CDCharlie & Dee
Ram bop bop bop bop bopp bopa bopa boppa ba!
Frank
How you guys doin?
CDCharlie & Dee
Oh were doing fine fantastic. Absolutely! Hey check it out we got all the cocaine.
Well ok but we got bigger problems, me and Dennis just pissed off the Don's wife because we wouldn't bang her so we just need to be prepared for anything.dd>
Oooh I tell you what I will get my gun. [Pulls out handgun]
Whoa where'd you get a gun?
Oh really well you should've told me because I've been carrying this thing around all day. [Pulls out gun]
Guys guys guys we don't need to use guns!
I'm gonna hide this in my shoe so I can pretend I'm tying my shoe and reach for it!
Frank
And then I'll reach for some cigarettes and when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'!
[Noises from Charlie, Dee and Frank]
What the hell are you doing here, dude?
I'm working, what're you doing?
You can not seriously be thinking about banging this old lady!
No, no, Mac, you have to separate yourself from the way they look, you see? Frank says that the only thing that matters in this game is cash.
Mac (incredulous)': What did Frank do to you?
Frank takes care of me, okay? You don't understand the nature of our relationship.
Mac (does a double-take): What?! (Frank notices them and comes running down the stairs.)
Frank (motioning to Mac): Hey! Hey! You, out! This is our turf, get out!
No, Frank, he can not bang this woman, okay? she's the mob boss' wife!
Frank
What do you think she's gonna do? Call her husband and say she's banging a whore? (points to Dennis, then to the stairs) Dennis! Up those stairs! (Dennis turns to obey, but Mac grabs him.)
Dennis, don't do it, he's got you brainwashed. (Frank spins Dennis around and backhands him)
Frank
GO!
Mac (grabbing Dennis): Dennis! (Mac backhands Dennis) STAY!
Frank (hits Dennis again): GO!
Mac (hitting Dennis again): STAY!
Frank
GET UP THERE!
Frank
NOW!
Frank
NOW!
Frank
RIGHT!
YOU'RE GONNA GET US KILLED!
Frank
NOW!
STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP! Please stop hitting me so I can think for a second!
Frank (nervous): You see? This is bad! You got him thinkin' for himself again!
Frannie (from the top of the stairs): What the hell are you doing, whore? Get back upstairs!
Dennis (after a few seconds): No.
FFrannie
Get your ass back in the bedroom.
Dennis (stronger): I'm outta here. (Dennis walks out.)
FFrannie
And what about you, Pussy Hands?
Mac (taken aback): Me? Oh, no, I would never sleep with you, you're gross.
You put the bar up as a prize?
No, check again - I put the bar under the pride section, the things that you're proud of.
It's a Z, Charlie - prize!
Frank
Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Your illiteracy has screwed us again, Charlie.
Your illiteracy is screwing us, man!
Frank
Don't even joke about hunting no man.
Who's joking? I'm not joking.
Frank
Oh yeah? Well, I was hunted once. I'd just came back from 'Nam. I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods! I had to take 'em all out--it was a bloodbath!
[everyone pauses awkwardly]
Frank
What?
You just described the plot of 'Rambo'.
[Mac, Dennis, and Charlie all agree at once]
Yeah, and come to think of it, that's not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's life.
Frank: Hey street rat!
Frank. Frank. Hey, Frank.
Hey, Frank, good to see you!
Good to see you, man. Hey, look, can you get us some more of that human meat?
Frank
Are you still going on about the meat? I didn't feed you human meat. It was a raccoon.
Frank
You ate raccoon meat. I told you it was people because I wanted to freak you out, because you're stealing my food.
No! No, no. No, no. Then why am I always hungry? And stomach pains? And nothing satisfies the hunger?
Frank
You probably got a tapeworm. That coon meat is lousy with parasites.
Frank
You're not calling the cops! They'll find the bug I'm gonna plant!
That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor?
Frank
Yeah, a lot of people are bugging their babies these days... I guess babies can't be trusted...
What are you expecting to find?
Frank
Lot of shady shit.
Frank
Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes!
Frank
Maybe the dudes are babies!
What?! Bruce is not banging any baby dudes!!
[The gang driving in the rape van]
Wait...the brakes...the brakes aren't working.
Frank
The gas pedal...
Brakes aren't working. No, I'm saying...no, the brakes.
Frank
Wiggle it, it gets better...
Guys, why aren't the brakes working!
Because I cut the brakes! Wildcard, bitches! Yeeeeehaaaaw!!! [jumps out of the back of the van]
[The gang is driving in the rape van]
Wait, the brakes...the brakes aren't working.
Frank
The gas pedal...
Brakes aren't working. No, I'm saying..nno, the brakes.
Frank
Wiggle it, it gets better.
Guys, why aren't the brakes working?!
BECAUSE I CUT THE BRAKES! WILDCARD, BITCHES! YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAW!!! [jumps out of the back of the van after kicking the trunk door open, as the rest of the group immediately abort the plan and get out of the runaway van]
[cut to the inside of "Bruce's" apartment as he is watching a golf game]
GAGolf announcer on the TV
Mastersfield steps up behind the tee, eight strokes behind the leader. Hole number 17, 338 yards, dogleg left.
[suddenly a massive explosion rocks his apartment and blows out his windows with explosive force as the rape van, full of gasoline barrels, hits the van of "Bruce", utterly destroying both cars in a gigantic fireball]
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
