Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?
Sweet DeeSame thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people.
Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.
Sweet Dee
How come you get to pick and choose?
It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.
Sweet Dee
You're a woman and you're weak.
That doesn't make any sense.
Sweet Dee
You don't make any sense.
Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.
That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Sweet Dee
How come Charlie...? It's not fair...
Why would you do this to us, dad?
Because you're crackheads, children.
Ok,ok, uh I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.
No, no, no. That's not good trap. I'm done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.
That's why we call it Charlie Work.
No, no dude not Charlie Work. There's like an emotional toll that comes out of this. I mean you kill one of these... [Dennis blows smoke in Charlie's face]
You're blowing smoke directly in my face when I'm trying to talk to you.
What is he talking about?
You know if you wanna smoke, you should have to take it outside.
Dee
Yeah, but you know what? Charlie, I think you're right. I think we should ban smoking in here.
Oh, come on. That's completely ridiculous.
Dee
Why is that ridiculous? There are smoking bans in a lot of states now.
Uh, yes and its completely unamerican.
If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
I work in this bar. I work here.
But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here. Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom. They strip them away from smokers.
Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee
You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!
...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!
Dee
Oh my god.
Look the point is if Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution man.
Uh, he knows more than you two unamerican freedom haters.
Dee
Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Yea we hate it.
You're practically a Vietcong.
Is that right? Ok. You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll outta here.
Dee
Where are we going?
We're gonna go America all over their asses!
Look, could you imagine America where everyone just gives up?
Dee
I don't care.
No look guys. How you doing? Have you come to gloat and shove it in my face?
No, it's okay and you know why? Because I give up. I'm living in GiveUp America.
What are you talking about? Will you shut up?
You don't have to smoke Charlie.
You know why? Because we give up. We live in GiveUp America. I live in GiveUp America. I live in an America where... hey Ryan. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if you're not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette? Thanks bro. Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail man, but anytime you want to stab me, it'd be really great for me because... [Liam stabs Charlie in the back with a fork]
That's what you get Charlie.
Hey get the hell out of here.
LLawyer
I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.
That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?
Dee
No, just get to the reading part.
Get on with it, man. Let's go.
LLawyer
All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?
LLawyer
OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."
Dee
What?!
LLawyer
[reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."
You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?
LLawyer
You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.
Dee
Why are you giving it to him?!
Dee
She barely even knew him!
LLawyer
Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.
Where is that rat bastard?!
LLawyer
Sir, I don't know!
'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!
Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!
LLawyer
You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."
Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.
LLawyer
"...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."
I would never let him in.
Dee
Yes.
LLawyer
"You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."
Dee
A mistake? We're twins.
Dee
We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.
Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!
LLawyer
Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!
Dee
Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.
You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!
Dee
Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?
LLawyer
It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.
Dee
Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!
Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!
Dee
Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...
Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!
LLawyer
These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...
[whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.
LLawyer
You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house...that's not how this whole situation works...
[gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]
[Dennis leaves]
LLawyer
[to himself] Jesus Christ.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
