DeeWhat is this thing?
That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.
Dee
No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.
Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right, look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. OK, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"
Dee
Oh God.
And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're into it and it's hot and it's passionate.
Dee
Charlie...
And then it's just you and me babe...
Dee
Oh my God.
(Cut to the restaurant.)
Guess what? I just topped myself for most phone numbers in one day--nine.
Dee (high-fiving him): Nine? Come on. Six strawberry margaritas, please. (Charlie and the Waitress come up. Charlie is clearly gloating about something.)
Uh, don't make 'em, 'cause you won't have your jobs much longer. Corporate's on their way down here right now to fire your asses!
Dee
What?! You told on us?
Dennis (hurt): Babe, don't do that to me! I feel like we were getting so close, sweet baby--
He doesn't even know your name!
WWaitress
What's my name, what is it? (There is a pause while Dennis tries to figure out a way to bullshit his way out of this one.)
Beautiful. (It didn't work.)
Waitress (disgusted): Oh, my God! You're a dick!
That's what I call you all the time. Would you not want to be called "beautiful"? (Corporate Guy enters.)
CGCorporate Guy
Are one of you guys the one that called me? (Charlie turns to face him.)
Charlie (raising his hand): Uh, right here. These two (points to Dennis and Dee) are the ones who were stealing.
CGCorporate Guy
Hey, I know you...(points at Dennis)...and you. You're the ones who run that dive bar down the street!
Yeah, and you're the corporate dude with the helicopter.
CGCorporate Guy
Right. Here's the thing--I had a really strange night last night. Your friends and their doo-wop group, they showed up at my house and tried to attack me. One of them died on my doorstep, and it sorta put me in a funk. So I'm gonna clean house, and you're all fired. (The Gang is taken aback, but the Waitress is incredibly smug.)
Waitress (gloating): You guys are all fired. I'm not fired. I'm not fired, right?
CGCorporate Guy
Did you hire these people? (Various affirmations from the Gang.)
CGCorporate Guy
Well, then, clearly you're an idiot, because these people are psychopaths. (sarcastic) But no, you're not fired. (beat) I'm just kidding, you are. Get the hell out of my restaurant. (He walks out.)
Waitress (turning on Charlie): Goddammit, Charlie! Really?! Now how am I gonna pay for my rent next month, huh?
Don't worry about it, you can come and live with me, all right? (He reaches out to her, but she rejects him.)
WWaitress
GO TO HELL!!! (She storms off.)
Dee (furious): I can't believe you guys! I could have been killed!
Well, somebody had to do it!
Yeah, those kittens were in a burning building, Deandra!
Dee
You set me on fire!
We set the building on fire, you just happened to catch on fire!
Exactly! (Dee emerges from the building. As Frank is blasting her with the extinguisher, she throws the box of kittens to one side.)
Dee
Well, I do look kinda heroic--
What?! What are you talking about?! You threw the box of kittens!
Dee
I WAS ON FIRE!
Charlie (mimicking Dee): I was on fire!
Frank (annoyed): We gotta shoot this shit again!
Charlie (dismissively): Yeah, like fire hurts...
People love well stories!
Dee
Really?
Dee
I don't know. That well thing seems a little played-out. I mean, who gets stuck in a well anymore?
Dee
Kittens? You put those kitties down there?
Dee (annoyed): Oh, man, okay, I'll do it! Just don't set it on fire, okay? I think this is dangerous enough!
Deandra, use your head! How are we gonna set a well on fire?
It's filled with water. Save the kittens!
Dee
I'm going! (She gets into the well)
Save the day! (Frank and Mac start to walk away.)
Frank (motioning to Mac): Gimme the matches.
Mac (handing Frank the matchbox): Yep...
(Cut to the video of the rescue. Frank walks slowly to the well.)
Dee
Well, I just broke up with Kevin!
Dee, we're trying to practice!
Dee
I can't do it! I can't get it out of my head! I don't know if he's retarded or not, but I can't stop thinking about it!
Dee, we're trying to have band practice here!
Dee
I mean, I was gonna ride this guy to the top, you know what I mean? He was gonna put me in one of his rap videos!
Look, the guy's not retarded, okay?
(beat)
Dee
What?!
Yeah, I was just saying that to mess with you.
Dee
Why? Why would you do something like that?
Dee
It's not funny! It's not funny at all! This guy's perfect for me, and you've gone and blown it! You've ruined everything! You are a bad, bad person.
(points at Dennis' jumpsuit)
Dee
Ewww, (trounces out)
So, that guy's not retarded?
Oh no, he's totally retarded.
Sweet Dee
Hold on, hang on! You did not get that point down there! That was my point! That was my point! Retarded, two, Normal, one!
She practically came out and told us he was retarded! Retarded, four, Normal, zero!
Sweet Dee
Whoa, hold on a second! Where'd four come from? It's definitely not four!
Dennis (ticking off the items): Well, let's see: there's the driving, the drooling in the yearbook, the "overcoming the odds," the living with the mom? And now the "special" thing. You know what, it's not four, it's five!
Dee
Oh, yeah? What are you, the Point King? You just pick up points left and right? It's Retaded, three, Normal, one!
Oh, come on, there's so much more retarded stuff out there!
Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend here the little courtroom speech we prepared?
TTimmy
I have a friend, his name is Wendell. He showed me funny movies with furry naked people in them. He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy.
WWendell
All right, I get it.
TTimmy
He's silly. He's a tickle monster!
WWendell
Listen, kid, I said I get it, OK?
TTimmy
He makes me taste things I don't want to. He puts things in my hiney.
(Both Dee and Dennis wince)
WWendell
Goddammit, will you make the kid stop? Please, come on.
Dee
Yeah, I think that ought to do it.
Yeah, that's good, Timmy. So you'll leave?
WWendell
Yeah. I'll leave. [winks at Timmy as he closes the door]
Dee
What about you, Dennis?
Dennis is a prostitute now.
No, I'm not a prostitute, OK?
There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion.
No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.
Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes.
Oh no, I'm going out, I'm going guns blazing!
Rise up! Gonna get higher and higher!
Rickety Cricket! Lookin' good bro'.
CDCharlie & Dee
Ram bop bop bop bop bopp bopa bopa boppa ba!
CDCharlie & Dee
Oh were doing fine fantastic. Absolutely! Hey check it out we got all the cocaine.
Well ok but we got bigger problems, me and Dennis just pissed off the Don's wife because we wouldn't bang her so we just need to be prepared for anything.dd>
Dee
Oooh I tell you what I will get my gun. [Pulls out handgun]
Whoa where'd you get a gun?
Dee
Ooh went back to Bingo.
Oh really well you should've told me because I've been carrying this thing around all day. [Pulls out gun]
Guys guys guys we don't need to use guns!
Dee
I'm gonna hide this in my shoe so I can pretend I'm tying my shoe and reach for it!
And then I'll reach for some cigarettes and when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'!
[Noises from Charlie, Dee and Frank]
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
