Y'know, I don't know about you guys, and I don't know why this is happening, but I actually feel a lot better.
You look better. You guys all look bett- I'm actually feeling better, too.
MacHow is that even possible? All we've been doing is sitting here and drinking, how could we have gotten better so quickly?
Oh my god, you guys... you guys, we haven't been drinking since we quarantined ourselves in the bar. At least, since we got stuck in the bathroom.
Wait, wait, wait, so what are you saying? That... we'd never had the flu, we were just having alcohol withdrawl?
Mac
Alcohol withdrawls? That's great!
Is is great? That means we're all alcoholics!
Mmm, right... well, what do we do with that information?
What do you do with any information? You just stuff it deep down inside, and - keep an eye on it.
I'm certainly not going to stop drinking.
Mac
I mean, I physically can't!
Nah, nah, nah, not at this point. We're in- we're in too deep.
Mac
We're just kids having fun, right?
What the hell is this? Why are there chickens everywhere?
No time to explain it to you, you wouldn't get it anyway.
Look, it's a new sign, okay? "Carmine's: a Place for Steaks".
What- no! I can't have you put that sign up, the health inspector's coming, like, any minute.
So wha-? So we're not Carmine's! Look, I can't have them see the sign.
Mac
Who gives a shit? We always get a passing grade.
Yeah, we get a passing grade because I bust my ass to make sure that happens! Okay, and we don't pretend we're a restaurant! Look, this is fucking crazy, no signs!
No, we're using the sign, because the sign's a big part of the plan.
What is the plan?! What is happening?!
Mac
Charlie, we found a loophole in the system.
Yeah, it's a closing loophole, it involves airline miles and points.
You're doing a chicken and airline miles scam today?!
Look, it is a great plan, okay? We do not have a ton of time to explain it to you, we're busy.
Okay, fine, whatever, I get it. I get it.
It's a good plan, Charlie.
Frank, Jesus Christ, man! Where are your shoes?!
I lost 'em in the bathroom.
Excuse me, with all due respect, Charlie, you don't even know what the goddamn plan is.
Okay, okay, with all due respect to you, I think I understand it fully, okay? You guys used Frank's credit card, you bought a bunch of airline miles. You used those airline miles to purchase 400 steaks. Knowing that this delivery company delivered all variety of animal products, your plan was to contaminate the steaks with chicken feathers by rubbing live chickens all over them. Then you were gonna repackage the steaks, at which point, you were gonna return the contaminated steaks for actual cash, taking advantage of a loophole in the current airline miles system, correct?
Mac
That is it, that is it.
That was the plan, but I mean... you know, we basically had already explained it to you, so...
Right, but what you didn't plan for was a hungry delivery guy who'd driven here all the way from Ohio, or that Dee's oversized fingers could've accidentally pressed "zero" again when she ordered the steaks online - I'm assuming you did the typing, Dee, yes?
But none of this matters to me, okay? Because today is inspection day. A day that I pride myself on, a day that I've never failed on, and I don't plan to begin failing now! So listen to me, and listen close like you've never done before: we are going to pull this thing off, so help... me... god.
I- I used to be a cool guy, right, with a cool car hanging out all the time, and now I'm a- what am I? I'm a chauffeur to a bunch of worm-sucking idiots!
Mac
You?! What about me? I used to be a party boy who banged chicks all the time. You guys remember? But no-one was ever good enough for you, dude. So I got self-conscious and I stopped - because of you, I changed who I am at my core.
Mac, Mac, that is not what happened, okay? You are completely delusional. I mean- by the way, all of us have become so goddamn weird.
I think we're just hitting our stride.
Oh, you think we're "hitting our stride," Frank?
Really? 'Cause Dee's in a goddamn costume every other day! As a matter of fact, we all are; I think we have more costumes in the bar than we do kegs! I mean- wha- what if I said I wanted to become a man-cheetah right now? What would you do?
He's got spots! Why do you have spots- you shouldn't have spots! That's absurd, man. That's absurd... you know what? I actually- I blame you for most of this.
Yeah, because you came in here with your endless goddamn supply of money and financed all this bizarre behavior!
You were plenty weird before me. What about the underage drinking scheme? I wasn't even here for that.
Mac
But that made sense, Frank. It worked!
You know what? I gotta get away from you people, that's what it is. I-I- I fly off the handle every five seconds now.
Mac
You know what? I gotta get away from you people, you're all insane! I'm storming out!
Wha- don't copy me! I'm the one who's angry- GODDAMN IT!
You don't storm out on me, I storm out on you!
I'M THE ONE WHO STORMS OUT, I'M THE ONE WHO- Oh, OH, OH, yeah, no. Okay, you know what, that's fine. Storm out. Get angry. You guys be that guy, 'cause I'm not gonna be that guy anymore. I'm not gonna get angry and shit, I'm gonna cool off. I'm gonna go back to being what I was before: a cool guy who just hangs out and has a cool car. So, I'm not gonna storm out, but I am gonna leave. I'm gonna... leave casually.
[Charlie and Dee are alone in the bar]
...You want to get lunch?
Just need you to name an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us.
Doesn't eat us-- that's easy. Dragon!
Charlie, do you eat dragon?
No! I don't eat dragon 'cause, uh, it's-it's not a meal for peasants, it's a meal for kings, and I'm sort of a common man. But they don't eat us; they, uh, it's like a misconception. They actually eat gold and treasure. That's why they're always sitting on a big pile of it.
DMDee, Mac, and Dennis
Bad answer. Bad answer. Bad answer. That's a bad answer.
Well, astonishingly, uh, one person surveyed gave the answer dragon, so... What a world!
I'm sorry, can I ask: how do you play with a goddamn hole?
First, we just started, like, throwing things down it and then we never heard it land. It would just kind of rattle around down there.
Mac
Then we got a flashlight to see if we could see the bottom - we couldn't. Then I threw it down there! Y'know, to prove a point.
It was something to do with how metal... travels faster than light? Or-
No, it was that light is either on or off, there's no speed to light. It's- it was an anti-science thing.
This hole, it's very exciting, Dennis. I mean, it represents infinite possibilities, it's endless.
What if there's, like, a mutant living down there? We can get him up and he can live in the bar with us!
We've already got one mutant hanging out with us in the bar all the time. (laughs at Frank) Hey, Frank, did you hear what I said? I turned a frustrating conversation into a joke on you.
Mac
...Frank, what do you think about this hole? Pretty cool, huh? You want to do something with it?
No, I don't. In fact, something just dawned on me: I need to quit.
Wha-what? What're- What're you talking about?
I don't care anything about this hole. I-I'm passionless.
Mac
What are you saying, Frank?
I hereby officially retire from Paddy's Pub.
[Frank leaves. After a few seconds, the Gang starts cheering]
Look, I'm just trying to come up with a system. We gotta have a system here, y'know?
Mac
Wait, wait, wait, we do have a system for this! Paddy's Succession Plan, remember?
Oh shit, right. Yes, right! Paddy's Succession Plan! It was, like, a will we drew up to determine who would get each one of our shares in the very likely event of our untimely deaths.
Mac
We drank, like, three bottles of tequila and then we started talking about our legacy and how important that was to us-
Oh, here we go. On a paper plate, huh?
Mac
Yeah, read it, read it.
"Paddy's Succession Plan - Paddy's Pub shall secure our legacy here, henceforth and forevermore, throughout the birthright of our firstborn kin." Who hit the pen here?
It makes sense, don't be a bitch- what it means is, every one of our shares gets passed down to our firstborn.
Mac
Right! Right, our firstborn!
The shares get passed down to the firstborn kin? We are the firstborn kin of Frank!
Well, hang on! That's not, like, an official document!
Uh, well, you signed it in your blood.
Mac
Oh. There it is: "Chrundle", written in blood.
Oh, yeah. I was going by Chrundle at the time, wasn't I-
Mac
Nope. No, you were trying to write Charlie, and you wrote Chrundle.
No, I was going by Chrundle the Great.
Mac
You came up with that after you miswrote it.
Mac
I came up with a really great idea, dude.
Mac
I'm gonna play both sides.
...Why would you tell me that?
Mac
Should I not have?
Probably shouldn't, because if you're trying to keep it a secret from me, well, now I know.
Mac
I shouldn't've- should I tell them?
No, I don't think you should tell either side, because if you're trying to play both sides and they both know, you're not playing anybody.
Mac
What should I do now?
I d- I don't give a shit. Why are you here?
Mac
If we want to make money, we need to honor ancient Irish traditions, like serving an irresponsible amount of booze to people who are genetically pre-disposed to having alcohol problems. You see, Saint Patrick started that tradition, and that's why we celebrate him today.
Yea- no! That's not what he did! No, he-he played the flute for some kids, and then he lured them into a cave somewhere and he diddled them.
Nah, you got him mixed up with the Pied Piper.
Saint Patrick didn't play the flute. He drove the kids out of Ireland... and then he molested them.
Mac
No, no, if- if Saint Patrick molested kids, he would be regarded as a scoundrel.
No, no, no. I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church, pedophiles were regarded as heroes.
Heyoooooo! Check it out, Mac, got some cool stuff! I got some green paint aaaand I found a snake.
Mac
Great! Why?
You know, the snakes 'cause, like, we... I don't remember where we landed on St. Paddy, but I remember snakes were involved. And the green paint's for the, uh, beer.
Mac
Okay, love the snake. Great catch there, but why not just use food coloring for the beer?
Uh, 'cause beer's not a food? When was the last time you ate a beer?
Mac
When was the last time you drank paint?
[beat]
Mac
Have you been drinking paint?
Mac
Let me see your tongue. (Charlie sticks out his green tongue) Oh my God, dude! Oh, that shit's- that's disgusting!
Mac
You- you can't drink paint!
I know. I- I hear ya, I hear ya.
Mac
You say that, but I think that you're going to stop.
Yeah. I get it though, man, it's uh... right.
Mac
I- I feel like you're saying you get it, but you don't get it.
Mac
It's not cool.
Mac
Oh my God, this is so frustrating!
Look, I'm gonna go down to the basement and I'm gonna check out my glue traps and see if I, y'know... get a leprechaun in there.
Mac
Wait, no, no, no, no. Wha-? We said no leprechaun this year, you're not chasing leprechauns.
I know, and I kinda forgot where we landed on that. I got these great cookie sheets, they're filled with glue, so... but I hear you. I hear you. It's a frustrating thing, it's like the guy doesn't listen to us, man, where we're trying to get through to him. It's a bummer.
Mac
Welcome to my first ever dinner party! I'm gonna have lots of these types of functions in the future - y'know, with my new lifestyle.
Wow, you're really just diving right into that, huh? Stereotypes and all.
Mac
Guys, we're gonna have an imaginary meal! I read about this. Yes, if you truly believe it, then it will make you full.
Can I have a broad with me, with big tits?
Mac
No, because that's gonna force us to imagine stuff we don't want to imagine.
Mac
Yeah, no dogs.
(kicking) Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!
Mac
Kick in his skull! We do not allow dogs in our house, right, Dennis?
Wh- our house? Why is it our house-
Mac
Okay, now let's get started. Let me set the scene: the food. The menu!
Paint a nice picture for us, alright? I'm starving!
Mac
Alright, we're gonna start with, like, a big hunk of chicken. Y'know, like... boiled and skinless, or whatever.
Mac
And then, um, you're gonna want brown with the white, right? So like, maybe, like... some brown rice? No, no butters or seasoning.
Mac
No! No mashed potatoes, that's just empty carbs.
Why can't we just imagine whatever we want?
Mac
Because this is my dinner party!
Well, then take us there!
Mac
Alright! Okay, everyone's got something to drink.
Mac
No, not milkshakes... Gatorade. And it's gonna be my favorite flavor: blue.
"Blue" is not a flavor. How am I gonna taste blue?
Mac
Well, just imagine what blue tastes like!
Mac
Let's just dig in.
Yeah, can we eat? Alright.
(They pretend to eat)
That's kind of tough. D- did you overcook this?
Mac
No, I didn't cook it at all.
Y- y-?! (spits out) Spit it out! It's raw, you're going to get sick! Spit it out!
Mac
No, no, don't spit it out! What are you guys doing, you don't need to spit it out! For the love of G- just imagine that it tastes good, okay? Look at Dennis, see?
Oh, I'm not imagining your meal. No, I'm imagining a lovely coq au vin... braised with lardons and mushrooms.
Well, then have it! It's right in front of you, as is your buxom date, Frank.
Hey, heeeeeey, she got her foot in my raw chicken! Get your hooker's foot out of my chicken, dude!
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
