MacJesus Christ, Dennis, you're coming in hot!
I am the king of the minions, not Tim Murphy, not that jerkoff Adri--jerkoff! (opens a compartment in his car)
What the hell are you doing, man?
She rejected me! Me, Frank! Me, the coolest guy in the history of this goddamn school! Oh, they're all gonna pay! THEY'RE ALL GONNA PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE!
Mac
Dude, what's all that stuff you're grabbing?
TOOLS! Tools, this is, uh...duct tape, zip ties and gloves! I have to have my tools!
W--Why do you have a bunch of like weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car?
Ffffetish, fetish shit! I--I--I--I like to bind, I like to be bound! I--uh...that's not important! D--don't ask me questions. I'm not taking questions. The golden god is not taking questions! I AM THE GOLDEN GOD! I--I'm taking action, I gotta go--
Mac
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second, Dennis. Wait a second. I think we can help you, dude.
Mac
Yeah, we can help each other. We both want the same thing...revenge.
You're gonna be our new Psycho Pete, pal...and guess what? The freight train's back in service!
Mac
Let's get nuts in that school. Let's get crazy, alright? Come on, let's get some revenge here!
Guys, we're forsaking the group dynamic, okay? And truthfully, Charlie, come on. I mean, nobody wants a wild card, okay? It doesn't make any sense. We don't want a maniac in our group. There's no benefit to it.
Uh, I feel like you just agreed with me but you weren't listening to what I was saying.
Yes... [points to Mac and Dennis]
Mac
You pointed at me like I said something but I didn't.
Mac
Charlie, having someone making wild decisions that make no sense, that benefits nobody.
Is he... listen to us? I can't tell-
Mac
He- He's listening. He's not understanding.
Yeah, he doesn't even, like, get us, man. It's...
Okay, let's move on from thi-
Mac
What do you think is happening right now?!
(all the wedding guests are acting like zombies after drinking milk laced with bath salts)
Okay, it's time to get out of here. I mean, look at that guy!
PMPappy McPoyle
ALL THE MCPOYLES SPRUNG FROM MY LOINS! FULLY FORMED! ONE OF THEM BABIES... TRIED TO EAT ME! I ATE HIM FIRST! (sobs) I ate him first!
Mac
[obviously weirded out by the elder McPoyle's actions] Okay, I'm with Charlie. I'm leaving.
Wait. You guys are just gonna leave? You're just gonna go?
Mac
Yeah. We're out.
TTherapist
You seem very on edge.
Mac
Yeah, you're goddamn right I'm on edge! I hosted the shit out of that party, and that's just not "setting the table", okay? I made a playlist, I thought of cool shit to talk about, I provided security, I kept everybody safe! Safe! (sadly) Y'know, sometimes I feel like... I feel like they don't even understand me, and we're not even that good of friends. (pause) AAAAH BULLSHIT, THAT'S BULLSHIT! We're, like, the best friends in the whole goddamn world! Goddamn them for making me think otherwise! (maniacally laughs)
Mac
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. I was just thinking of something that Charlie said that was really funny.
TTherapist
Mac, let me ask you a question.
Mac
Yeah?
TTherapist
Do you often feel... strong emotion, felt in quick succession?
Mac
Oh yeah, and not just my emotions. I have had a slight... fluctuation with my weight recently.
TTherapist
I see. And how much weight are we talking about?
Mac
I gained and lost sixty pounds in three months.
TTherapist
...Wow, that's almost impossible.
Mac
Well, first of all, through God, all things are possible, so jot that down. And yeah, yeah, I had a difficult time there: I had to buy all-new clothes, and people used to cross the street when I would walk by. They'd be like, "Whoa, look at that monster coming towards us, y'know, barreling towards us."
ABAsian Boy
Oh, hey, you must be Mr. LeFeve?
ABAsian Boy
Surprise. I'm all yours. I was told there'd just be one, but I can take both of you. Might get a little sore, but I'll manage.
Mac
Okay, well, I'm out of here.
Okay. Wait. What? Hey, hey, where you going?
Mac
LeFeve's into banging little Asian boys, so we're done, right?
If we're gonna do this thing, we need to see things through.
Mac
Dennis, are you gonna have sex with a tiny Asian boy?
I'm gonna see how far I can go.
[Witness for the Persecution: Frank Reynolds]
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished collies, my client Frank here isn't really on trial today, you know. Common sense is on trial... and well, common sense would tell you that eatin' a bowl of cereal while operating a car is- well, it's reckless. It's moronic. One might even call it... donkey-brained.
It- it means to have the brains of a donkey or a donkey-type creature-
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what it means, guy. But if anything, it's not donkey-brained to drive around with a bowl of cereal, it's donkey-brained to drive around without the use of your vision.
Oh, that's- that's interesting. So you do admit that someone who makes foolish decisions could be considered donkey-brained?
Uh- yeah, okay. Sure. Fine.
I'll take it! Now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you were a boy you were admitted into a... mental institution, is that correct?
That's correct. But soon after, it was discovered that I wasn't mentally disabled, so they let me go... and they let me go with the proper paperwork, clearing me of everything.
I would like to add into evidence Article 1. Uh, Mac, will you please read this document?
Mac
Mhm. "By the power of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, Reid Mental Institution hereby decrees Frank Reynolds to not have... donkey brains". [shows everyone the certificate]
That is an official document that says "donkey brain" on it?
Well, it's written right here in plain English! Frank, would you like to clear this up for everybody?
Well... all the kids in the neighborhood knew I got sent upstate, so they started calling me Frankie Donkey-Brains, and it was very traumatic. So I got my mommy to drive me back up to the loony bin, where they signed this official certificate exonerating me of all donkey brains.
Yeah, great- what does this have to do with anything?
Oh, well, Dennis, if by your own admission someone who has donkey brains could be considered reckless or moronic or idiotic, and my client Frank here has a state-issued certificate clearing him of having said donkey brains, then I ask you this: do... you have any such certificate?
Well, we don't want a donkey on the road eating cereal! We know Frank's not a donkey! How do we know you're not a donkey-brained man?
Why would I have a certificate-
You don't have a certificate?
No, no, no, the burden of proof is not on me.
Mac
The defendant will answer the question!
The defendant-? I'm not the defendant!
Just answer the question.
No further questions! [everyone except Dennis puts their gavels on the Trial Meter to Frank's side]
You gotta be kidding me- because of that?!
Mac
You don't have a certificate. I mean, y'know, what else are we supposed to... you may have donkey brains, I don't know.
No one can prove they're not donkey-brained except for him!
I just- I wish you had a certificate.
CCustomer
Hi, can I get a drink?
Mac
Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than bustin' a nut.
Mac
Bustin' a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowin' your load.
Mac
He said it was a funny joke. [pointing to Dennis]
Mac
Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.
Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.
Mac
Sorry. We jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.
Mac
Well, where do I jizz?
Mac
How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?
No, ma'am, I think what...
Mac
Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.
Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm. [Laughs]
Mac
She was late.
Mac
What's wrong, Dee? Oh, nothing. Let me guess-- boyfriend troubles? This guy doesn't know what he's got. He's really ugly, too.
GAGuy at the bar
I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
Mac
Yeah. I said her boyfriend's ugly. Pay attention, bozo.
Okay, he's not ugly, all right? That wouldn't make any sense. That's-that... He's not ugly.
Mac
Dude's a total tool, too.
You know what he's not? He's not covered in stupid tattoos and he doesn't have a cigarette for a mother.
Mac
[Chokes Dee] What?! Don't talk shit about my mom!
Attention, attention, everybody. I got a little ditty about Paddy's Pub. I'm-a siiiing it!
Mac
Charlie's doing the song. The song was light. The song was light. That'll lighten things up. Do the song, dude, do the song.
There is a spider, spider Spider. He's deep in my soul, soul. He's lived here for years Years. He just won't let go. He's laying around. He's got a mean bite. Now he's ready To fight...And stand up for what he knows...I don't need your trophies or your gold I just want to tell you all Go fuck yourselves...
Go fuck yourselves...[spits] Ooh, wah-ooh...
Mac
Is he spitting? Is he spitting? Oh, he's spitting at them. Is that the sign?
That's the sign. Spit! Spit! [The Gang spits on the crowd]
All right, I'm sold. I'm in.
Mac
Of course you're buying it, because you're as big of an idiot as she is. You're getting scammed, Dee!
You walked into a room that you could have walked out of with a free set of golf clubs, but instead you got got.
Mac
Hey, I say we get ourselves a new pair of golf clubs, huh?
Yeah, well, we won't get got though. We gonna get. See, Dee, people like us, we don't get got. We go get.
Mac
That's right. You won't see us getting scammed.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
