Mac McDonald quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Mac

(after showing off his exercise bike with a dildo attached to it) I know, but it's not what it looks like.

Dee

Yeah, what it looks like is that you are fucking yourself with a dildo bike.

Dennis

Hey, Charlie? Mac?

Charlie

Dennis!

Mac

The cops, the parents - they're all after us!

Charlie

How'd you get a Range Rover?! Just- get in, get in!

Dennis

Yeah, get in.

Charlie

Oh man, we did a bad thing!

Mac

Oh, Jesus...

Charlie

Just get out of here, man! Go, go, go! We did a bad thing, dude! I think I killed a kid!

Mac

He did, I saw him. I think the kid's dead.

Dennis

Shh, shh, shh... doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

Dennis

Hey! Hey, Dee, Frank, what's up?

Frank

We almost got T-boned by an Asian. It was totally my fault; she did everything by the book. Very surprising.

Frank

Also, Dee banged a kid.

Dee

No, no, I was trying to cuck a bit-!

Dennis

Shhhh, shh, shh, shh. It doesn't matter. It's okay. You're in the Range Rover now. All is well.

Charlie

He's not gonna die falling from that height.

Dennis

Whoa, hard disagree, pal. You could absolutely die if you jump from that height.

Charlie

Wha- dude, it's like three stories. It's, like, basic science, y'know, like-

Mac

Uh, I'm sorry, let's not bring science into it, okay? I mean, this is life or death. This is God's territory, alright? I mean, there is no science.

Charlie

What do you mea- what do you mean "there is no science"? I mean, you were just talking about how much you love science and math for predicting your television shows. Wh- why do you not like it in this scenario? Like, do you either believe in science or do you not believe in science?

Mac

I am an American! I can believe in whatever I want in any given moment-

Charlie

I am also an American, okay, though?!

Mac

-based on the argument I'm trying to make!

Charlie

That is not an argument!

Mac

You are not a true American, Charlie!

Charlie

I am more American that you will ever be!

Dennis

Whoa, whoa, whoa, simmer down, guys. Just simmer down, calm down, alright? Dee, stop being so emotional.

Dennis

We could be known as a "suicide bar", and that's no good. I don't want to be that.

Cricket

Yeah, kinda grim. I'd probably take my business elsewhere.

Dee

You don't have business.

Charlie

Oh! What uh, what if you lean into that, though? Right? Like, you don't make it grim, but you make it playful. Like, we start to name drinks after jumpers or whatever, like... "The Last Call".

Dennis

"The Jump Shot".

Dee

"Lemon Drop".

Charlie

There ya go.

Mac

"Cosmo-fall-itan"?

Charlie

Oh, very good!

Dennis

We could become, like, a hot spot for jumpers, y'know? We'd put their pictures up, all around the bar to immortalize them, y'know, turn them into martyrs.

Mac

That's cool- and we'd play music, we'd play music. Uh... "Highway to Hell", "Free Fallin'."

Dee

You know what we could do? We could lean into, like, a- a haunted house kind of bar theme, you know?

Cricket

Yeah, that'd get my business back.

Dee

You don't have business, Cricket!

Dennis

Basically, what we've concluded is that it would actually be good for the bar if this guy jumps and dies, yeah? So the answer to the question of "should we get involved" is... is actually "yes!"

Mac

Yeah, but if- if we stop him, that would be bad for the bar, right Dennis?

Dennis

No, that's not what I'm saying, though. More importantly, that's not what the algorithm is saying. You see, we've already established that this guy wants to die, and that it would actually benefit our bar if he dies. Now, of course, from an emotional standpoint we feel as though we should get involved, we feel as though we should save this guy, but the algorithm is actually telling us that that does not benefit anybody. The algorithm is telling us mathematically, scientifically, that this guy could die, wants to die... and that we should help him do it. That's just math.

Dennis

So, algorithm-wise, what have we learned here today?

Mac

That Dee is a nasty fucking slut.

Charlie

So nasty. She's so nasty.

Charlie

I got an angle, okay? We go in there, we say that we're the Smuckers Brothers.

Dennis

Why?

Charlie

Well, we're, like, the Smuckers Brothers. We're purveyors of fine jellies and jams from the Deep South.

Dennis

How does that get us closer to the goal?

Charlie

(bad Southern accent) They're gonna be impressed with some jelly magnates.

Mac

I think that you are confusing the Smuckers brothers with the Smothers Brothers, who were a folk singing duo from the '50s.

Dennis

Now, you're not microdosing anymore. You've slipped into macrodosing.

Mac

Macrodosing?

Dennis

Yeah.

Mac

That's cool 'cause it's my name!