Charlie Kelly quotes from It&#039;s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Where from?

FFrenkel

Israel. It just got to be too dangerous. I mean, you know with everything that's happening.

Well, that's a tough situation you got over there.

Charlie

Oh yeah, you got that whole tsunami and the...

No, not that...

Charlie

Well, the superdome thing.

No, there's no superdome...

Charlie

Well it's one of those places over there.

It's a different country, Charlie so why don't...

Charlie

Well I'm just trying to help the guy out.

Why don't you just shut up!

S2 E2 The Gang Goes Jihad

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[Dennis has TP'd Frenkel's house]

This isn't gonna do shit!

What do you mean this isn't gonna do shit?

There needs to be a next step, or something-

Hey! Do you know how hard it is to get toilet paper off of a building, especially when it rains? This Jew's in for a ton of work—

MCMac and Charlie

WHOA!

Whoa, what?

Come on, man! You can't say things like that!

I don't know what I said. What'd I say?

Charlie

You dropped a hard "J" on us.

Yeah. Yeah.

Jew? You guys said it—

Shhh! You can say it, but it has to be like, in context-

You guys—you guys said I could say Jew.

Charlie

You can, but in the right context, man.

It's gotta be in the right context.

Well, what's the right context?

Charlie

Well, uh—this, y'know...

Person of the Jewish faith in a group of other people from the Jewish faith.

Charlie

"This guy's got a ton of work to do! I think it's okay that he's Jewish."

But that's not what I'm saying—

That's not what he's saying. Now, hold on a second, this is...if—

You guys don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Charlie

"This man is in for a ton of work! He's Jewish."

We know—we know what we're talking about.

Charlie

Yeah, we know what we're talking about.

No worries about that.

S2 E2 The Gang Goes Jihad

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WWaitress

I wrote down my phone number.

Charlie

Wow!

WWaitress

Please... please, Charlie, please don't make me regret giving this to you. (The waitress hands a folded piece of paper to Charlie)

Charlie

No absolu... absolutely not. No, this will be a platonic sponsor, sponsoree kind of a thing. (He unfolds the piece of paper) Oh... no shi... I was so close.

S2 E3 The Gang Gives Back

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Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.

Charlie

That's why I did it.

That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?

You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.

Sweet Dee

How come Charlie...? It's not fair...

Why would you do this to us, dad?

Because you're crackheads, children.

S2 E4 Dennis and Dee Go On Welfare

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Charlie look, I normally wouldn't come to you with this sort of thing because you're incredibly unreliable... but Dennis, Dee and Frank are all directly connected to this. Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!

Charlie

Interesting...

Yeah man, she got naked... she came on to me. I mean, that woman is straight crazy, but I think I wanna bang her, man! I know I shouldn't do it...

Charlie

I think you should do it!

What?

Charlie

Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime right?

Right!

Charlie

And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.

Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But... it's Dennis and Dee's Mom...

Charlie

Well that means that no one ever ever is going to find out.

That doesn't make any sense...

Charlie

It doesn't have to make sense!

You're right! I'm gonna do it!

S2 E5 Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom

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[after witnessing Mac kiss his Mom at her front door] Oh my God! Ohhh...

Charlie

Yeah... that's a terrible thing... a terrible thing for you to see that.

I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him!

Charlie

Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do? Punch him in the face? Throw him? Maybe work the body a little?

I was gonna...

Charlie

No no no, that's not gonna help. That's not gonna help and I'll tell you why: It doesn't unbang your Mom.

S2 E5 Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom

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I am not having sex with you, Charlie.

Charlie

No, it's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis!

S2 E5 Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom

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LLady

Are you going to take care of the crime problem here?

Absolutely, I say we put them on buses and ship them over to Iraq.. make them fight the terrorists.

LLady

You're very handsome.

Thank you ha ha.

Charlie

This is going very, very well man.

I know people are really responding to me.

Charlie

They love the bone structure.

[walking up to them] I've been looking for you guys everywhere...Look. I've been thinkin'...and I feel like I could be a real asset to you guys. I wanna help.

Charlie

What? Wait, wait, so first you wash your hands in politics and now you want back in? That's called flip-flopping, Mac! That's what Democrats do.

Hang on a second Charlie, let's give the guy a chance to prove himself.

Yeah, yeah. Give me a chance...what should I do?

Charlie

"What should I do"? Strike one, buddy.

You gotta bring something to the table, Mac.

All right...ah...check this out. [Goes up to woman pushing her baby in a stroller] Excuse me, hi. I couldn't help but notice your adorable baby.

WWoman

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I was wondering, [stopping the stroller from moving] if you wouldn't mind if that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it.

WWoman

Excuse me?

Yeah...oh. I'm sorry. He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool.

WWoman

You know, I'd rather not.

[stopping the stroller again] Yeah, well you know...it's...good for him and it's good for you, so I think you should maybe just give me the baby.

WWoman

You know what? Please leave me alone.

OK, lady. Just give me the baby and I could get it over with as quickly as possible.

WWoman

I said no!

Goddammit, just give me the baby! [tries to unbuckle the baby out of the stroller]

WWoman

Somebody help me!

Charlie

This is campaign suicide, dude...

Let's get out of here.

S2 E8 The Gang Runs for Office

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Charlie

Ok,ok, uh I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.

Good work.

Charlie

No, no, no. That's not good trap. I'm done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.

That's why we call it Charlie Work.

Charlie

No, no dude not Charlie Work. There's like an emotional toll that comes out of this. I mean you kill one of these... [Dennis blows smoke in Charlie's face]

Charlie

You kidding me?

What? What?

Charlie

You're blowing smoke directly in my face when I'm trying to talk to you.

What is he talking about?

Charlie

You know if you wanna smoke, you should have to take it outside.

It's a bar.

Yeah, it's a bar.

Yeah, but you know what? Charlie, I think you're right. I think we should ban smoking in here.

Oh, come on. That's completely ridiculous.

Why is that ridiculous? There are smoking bans in a lot of states now.

Uh, yes and its completely unamerican.

If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.

Charlie

I work in this bar. I work here.

But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here. Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom. They strip them away from smokers.

Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.

You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!

...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

Oh my god.

Look the point is if Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.

Charlie

You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution man.

Uh, he knows more than you two unamerican freedom haters.

Thank you.

Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Yea we hate it.

Charlie

Oh, I'm unamerican?

You're practically a Vietcong.

Charlie

Is that right? Ok. You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll outta here.

Where are we going?

Charlie

We're gonna go America all over their asses!

S2 E9 Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass

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Charlie

Look, could you imagine America where everyone just gives up?

I don't care.

Charlie

Ok, let's just give up.

Hey Charlie.

Charlie

No look guys. How you doing? Have you come to gloat and shove it in my face?

No. No.

Charlie

No, it's okay and you know why? Because I give up. I'm living in GiveUp America.

What are you talking about? Will you shut up?

Charlie

I'm gonna be a smoker.

You don't have to smoke Charlie.

Charlie

You know why? Because we give up. We live in GiveUp America. I live in GiveUp America. I live in an America where... hey Ryan. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if you're not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette? Thanks bro. Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail man, but anytime you want to stab me, it'd be really great for me because... [Liam stabs Charlie in the back with a fork]

Liam

That's what you get Charlie.

Hey get the hell out of here.

Liam

You get forkstabbed!

S2 E9 Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass

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Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?

Charlie

Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!

All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our asses!

S2 E10 Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad

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MSMac's Dad

Let me get this straight...you come to me empty handed, and now you want my help?

I know we let you down, but I promise to you, if you help us out with a certain situation, we will come back to you with our butts filled.

Charlie

Oh, so filled! So filled for you!

S2 E10 Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad

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After we made love, she did get pregnant. But she had an abortion.

Charlie

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Charlie

Well, are you sure she went through with it, dude? 'Cause she probably didn't tell you.

She probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up, because your mother was a giant whore.

S3 E1 The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby

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Charlie

Well, if it isn't the girl who broke my heart by *falling* in love with my best friend and havin' *sex* with this guy! [motions to Frank]

WWaitress

Gross.

S3 E1 The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby

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I'm startin' to feel it.

Charlie

I bet you are, bud.

I'm feelin' weird.

Charlie

Yeah, you're probably feeling very weird.

The acid's makin' me feel like I gotta take a dump.

Charlie

That's what happens when you take a lot of acid, dude.

I gotta go.

Charlie

Then go.

The line's too long. Maybe I can hold it in.

Charlie

Then go in the McPoyles' camper, dude.

I don't know, that might bring back bad memories.

Charlie

Oh my God.

I think I wanna hold it. How you feelin'?

Charlie

Annoyed.

Nothin' kickin' in yet?

Charlie

What are you talking about, the beer?

No, the acid.

Charlie

I did not take any acid, remember?

[laughing] Oh yeah you did.

Charlie

What are you talking about?

I put a shitload of it in your beer.

Charlie

What!? Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating in my be..?!

Yeah.

Charlie

I drank all that shit, dude!

That's OK.

Charlie

There was like a ton of acid in there!

Yeah!

Charlie

Why would you do that?!

I don't wanna be the only one trippin'.

Charlie

Oh my God, man! Oh my God! Oh my God!...

Charlie, I actually really need to go take a dump.

Charlie

Shut up! I don't care! Go! Go in the camper, dude! Get out of here!