Charlie Kelly quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Charlie

Man this is crazy. You are dancing with the entire McPoyle Family. These people are freak shows, man...freaks. But you're keeping your cool. You're keeping your cool. You know why? Because you are the Green Man. Green Man is saving your life right now, bro. Just go with the flow.

Mac

Charlie, we've been looking all over for you, dude.

Dennis

Green Man, I knew you couldn't resist.

Charlie

Huh? You know what? I'm actually tripping pretty hard right now.

Mac

You're tripping?

Charlie

Yeah, Frank gave me some acid and it's like... whoo.

Mac

Oh, Jesus.

Liam

Hey guys. Guess who got invited to training camp?

Ryan

Yeah, we're going to be famous.

Dennis

Look we need to talk to Green Man for a minute please.

Mac

Yeah, just go over there.

Dennis

Let's go man. Thank you. Charlie, where is Frank, it's very important.

Charlie

Oh, Frank? He's standing right there.

Mac

Frank, What the hell are you doing?

Artemis

He's been trying to climb through that trash can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.

Frank

Thank God you guys are here! How did you get in here?

Dennis

What the hell are you talking about? (Mac looks around)

Frank

I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours!

Artemis

I think he took a dump in there.

Mac

Can you give us a second, please?

Artemis

Whatever. I'm getting tired of watching him anyway.

Dennis

All right, Frank, listen. Did you bring your gun today?

Mac

Great. Walk me through the plan again.

Dennis

Awesome.

Dennis

The plan is I get close to Dee. When she goes to punt the ball, I'll fire the gun. It'll startle her. She'll blow the kick.

Mac

That's a great plan.

Wait a second! How long have I been standing right here?

Dennis

Like, two seconds.

Charlie

Seriously?

Dennis

Frank, give me the gun.

Frank

Where is it?

Dennis

It's in your hand!

Charlie

WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! When the hell did I put Green Man on?

Dennis

I don't know!

Frank

That lizard talks!

Charlie

Where? Where? I don't like lizards!

Mac

We don't have time for this! Frank, just give us the gun!

Charlie

You should have seen how passionate he got when I showed him the dick flyer.

Mac

You knew that it was a dick?!

Charlie

Well yea we changed it. I thought you guys were changing it.

Dennis

It was always meant to be a bicep.

Charlie

Well why didn't you cut it like a...cause it totally looks like a dick. I thought well alright lets go with the dick thing, its more masculine anyway. I mean shit if you want it to be a bicep it needs more veins.

Dennis

Dude, I swear to god if you try and give me a noogie I will yank your underwear over your head so hard your asshole will rip in half.

Mac

(walks in from the office) Helloooo!!! What's up bitches?

Charlie

Mac, can an asshole rip in half?

Mac

Like tissue paper.

Dee

What is this thing?

Charlie

That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.

Dee

No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.

Charlie

Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right, look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. OK, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"

Dee

Oh God.

Charlie

And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're into it and it's hot and it's passionate.

Dee

Charlie...

Charlie

And then it's just you and me babe...

Dee

Oh my God.

Charlie

Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?

Dennis

I see a door marked "Private." Is that the door you're talking about?

Charlie

Nah, I was talking abou...I didn't say...did you...what did you hear?

Dennis

I heard you say "There was a door marked pirate living in there."

Charlie

Well are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?

Dennis

You're the one that....Jesus Christ man, shit.

Charlie

It's locked! All right, let me try this out.

Dennis

What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work!

Charlie

Why not?

Dennis

We're not at your apartment, shithead!

Charlie

Well how many possible lock combinations can there be?

Dennis

Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions.

Charlie

Well eventually they're gonna overlap--

Dennis

They're not ever gonna--

Charlie

You know what, you're right, it's not working.

Dennis

Oh, no shit.

Charlie

Well it was worth a try!

Dennis

It was not worth a try.

Mac

You promised you wouldn't bring up the helicopter!

Charlie

Dude, you're not the boss of me, okay?

Mac

Technically, Charlie, I am the boss of you, because I own half your shares!

Charlie

Since when?

Mac

You sold me half your shares of the bar for "goods and services"!

Dennis

Wait, you've definitely given me half your shares too, dude!

Charlie

Maybe I gave you guys a couple of shares when my back was against the wall and I needed a little breathing room--

Mac

Bro, you gave me a shitload of shares one time for half a sandwich!

Charlie

What're you guys doing? Is this a hose job, where you're hosing me down?

Dennis

Dude, you hosed yourself down!

Mac

You hosed yourself up and down, Charlie!

Charlie

C'mon, what do you guys want me to do?

Mac

I don't care!

Dennis

Yeah, get a job!

Charlie

Oh, get a job?

Mac

Yeah!

Charlie

Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet, and squeeze down into a job cannon, AND FIRE OFF INTO JOBLAND, WHERE JOBS GROW ON JOBBIES?!!!

Charlie

I see what you're saying. I could go for some wood.

Mac

Uh, no, we're saying 'wooed'.

Charlie

Yeah, cool. We'll get some wood, we'll build something cool, then we'll go get the money.

Dennis

That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, Charlie. We're talking about being wooed by this corporate guy...

Charlie

How are you going to be wood?

Dennis!

Dennis

Ooh, hey.

[Flirtatiously] Hehe, hi.

Dennis

Ha, so listen, first let me apologize for never calling you back, ever. Second, I was applying here and maybe you could, you know, help me out.

Ooh, hehe...well, um, why don't I just go get you an app...

Dennis

...App...lication and uniform?

Hehe, yeah!

Dennis

Ha ha, that's weird that we said that at the same time.

Hehe, I know! Well I'll be back and, yeah.

Dennis

All righty.

Hehe, um, yeah. Hehe, yeah, bye.

Dennis

Ha ha, bye.[Waitress walks out] What's her name again?

Charlie

I hate you.

Dennis

Guess what? I just topped myself for most phone numbers in one day--nine.

Charlie

Uh, don't make 'em, 'cause you won't have your jobs much longer. Corporate's on their way down here right now to fire your asses!

Dee

What?! You told on us?

Charlie

He doesn't even know your name!

Dennis

Yes, I do!

What's my name, what is it? (There is a pause while Dennis tries to figure out a way to bullshit his way out of this one.)

Dennis

Beautiful. (It didn't work.)

Dennis

That's what I call you all the time. Would you not want to be called "beautiful"? (Corporate Guy enters.)

Are one of you guys the one that called me? (Charlie turns to face him.)

Hey, I know you...(points at Dennis)...and you. You're the ones who run that dive bar down the street!

Charlie

Yeah, and you're the corporate dude with the helicopter.

Right. Here's the thing--I had a really strange night last night. Your friends and their doo-wop group, they showed up at my house and tried to attack me. One of them died on my doorstep, and it sorta put me in a funk. So I'm gonna clean house, and you're all fired. (The Gang is taken aback, but the Waitress is incredibly smug.)

Did you hire these people? (Various affirmations from the Gang.)

Charlie

She hired me.

Well, then, clearly you're an idiot, because these people are psychopaths. (sarcastic) But no, you're not fired. (beat) I'm just kidding, you are. Get the hell out of my restaurant. (He walks out.)

Charlie

Don't worry about it, you can come and live with me, all right? (He reaches out to her, but she rejects him.)

GO TO HELL!!! (She storms off.)

Charlie

Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?

Mac

See, that was real news.

Charlie

Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?

Mac

Yes.

Dennis

Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

Mac

These places are like prison...

Frank

Like people getting their ass raped?

Charlie

What? Oh my God, no one's getting ass raped, Frank! Come on, man!

Mac

No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...

Frank

Because they're getting their ass raped!

Mac

The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys!

Charlie

Okay, okay, quick conference, guys. Everyone, keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right, people here they love... look at this guy, he's definitely a drifter, all right? He's going to his car and he's going to slide it sideways, ya know what I mean?

Mac

And you know what happens with tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering, which of course leads to karate.

Charlie

Which eventually leads to dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop.

Mac

Shooting lightning bolts out of their hands

Charlie

Yeah! And then there's the guy that shoots lightning bolts out of his hands. He wears a big straw hat and he does that move. His eyes go all white and shit and Kurt Russell fights him.