You know, when I'm promoting, you better believe everybody and their mama gonna be there. You know what I mean? There's gonna be brothers, white boys, Latinos, whatever. You know, we got niggas hanging from the rafters. So, we got like 400 plus packed into this tiny little place-
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you said you had 400 people packed into this place?
You damn right I got 400 - that's my job, man. And it's mostly college kids. You know, my sister goes to Temple, so I got the hookup over there.
Ah, and hookups are good. But just to be clear, when you say your sister, do you mean your sister or your friend?
Oh, ok, cool. I was just - because - he could mean his friend or his sister and I was just -
CharlieStop talking.
So we're packing into this little bitty place over on Walnut, right? We're halfway through the night, everything's going alright. You know what I mean? All of a sudden, I notice this dude eyeballing me from across the bar.
And I don't know if this dude wants to freak me or fight me, you know what I'm saying?
Charlie
He's giving you crazy eyes.
The insane, crazy eyes, right?
Charlie
I know that.
So I walk over to this guy. He's this big, cut, Mexican dude and I look at him and say, "Yo, ese, unless you want to get your ass torn apart, you'd better get this look off of your face."
You walked right up to him and said that?
I had to, man. You gotta make the first move. Always make the first move, you know what I'm saying?
Well, hey, he won't stop staring me down and we're, like, eyeball to eyeball, his grill is right up in mine. It feels like an eternity, son, right? Finally, he just opens up his mouth and says (Mexican accent) "I guess you're gon' have to tear my ass apart, holmes."
Charlie
Oh, man. So, what did you do?
Took him to the back alley and tore his ass apart.
Guys, listen, honestly, I think we should think about hiring Terrell.
Charlie
For what?
You heard him! When he's promoting, everybody and they mama looking to get in.
Charlie
That's true, they do have "niggers hanging from the rafters."
Waitress: Wow. Nice.
We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
Charlie
I guess.
Well, I don't know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn't that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we'd get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Charlie
That is true.
That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Charlie
You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick's car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
No, no, I had bad potato salad.
You abused alcohol, and that's OK, that's OK, but it's very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
No, I don't like where this is headed.
Charlie
Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, ok? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!
That's a horrible thing to do!
Charlie
Well, I'm a bad guy then!
You are a bad guy! You lied to us!
Charlie
All right look at this, sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?
Charlie
Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.
So you're throwing down life lessons now?
Charlie
I'm throwing down eggs!
Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!
Charlie
I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!
We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Oh, oh, the gun...yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you.
Charlie
Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah...mm...Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Charlie
Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
[pulls gun out of his pants] Never.
So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all?
Charlie
Uh, no, no, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty I'm sort of off the hook completely.
Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked?
No, I don't think that's what he's saying.
What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out: Three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all.
Charlie
Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while.
Emotional release, another giant step forward.
Charlie
Where's your brother dude?
We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute.
Charlie
Alright li--listen, you guys can't go... did you just say we?
Charlie
Did you just say we just stepped out of the shower?
Charlie
[in a wheelchair and army vet attire] This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy all over it.
Maybe you should let me do all the talking.
Charlie
No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn.
SStripper
Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened?
Charlie
[shouting] Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!
BBarbara
While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
A series of Mexican women.
Charlie
"A series..." Unbelievable, dude! [They high-five] You're on fire.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
