Charlie Kelly quotes from It&#039;s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Oh, wow! Oh, there's a man standing on the bridge.

What?! Yes, he looks like...Look at that.

Charlie

His name is Mac.

No, we don't know his name.

Charlie

We don't know it. Oh.

His name is Rudy, I believe, you guys.

Charlie

That's what it was-- Rudy.

We don't know what his name is, and that's okay, but we don't know each other. Hi. How are you? Nice to meet you.

Oh, hi, hi, but it looks like he may commit suicide. Suicide is badass.

S9 E5 Mac Day

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Y'know, I don't know about you guys, and I don't know why this is happening, but I actually feel a lot better.

Charlie

You look better. You guys all look bett- I'm actually feeling better, too.

I feel great.

How is that even possible? All we've been doing is sitting here and drinking, how could we have gotten better so quickly?

Oh my god, you guys... you guys, we haven't been drinking since we quarantined ourselves in the bar. At least, since we got stuck in the bathroom.

Charlie

Oh, that's right!

Wait, wait, wait, so what are you saying? That... we'd never had the flu, we were just having alcohol withdrawl?

Yeah.

Alcohol withdrawls? That's great!

Is is great? That means we're all alcoholics!

Charlie

Mmm, right... well, what do we do with that information?

What do you do with any information? You just stuff it deep down inside, and - keep an eye on it.

You keep it.

Charlie

Ohhhh!

I'm certainly not going to stop drinking.

I mean, I physically can't!

Charlie

Nah, nah, nah, not at this point. We're in- we're in too deep.

I mean, I'm a young guy!

We're just kids having fun, right?

S9 E7 The Gang Gets Quarantined

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Charlie

What the hell is this? Why are there chickens everywhere?

No time to explain it to you, you wouldn't get it anyway.

Charlie

What are you painting?

Look, it's a new sign, okay? "Carmine's: a Place for Steaks".

Charlie

What- no! I can't have you put that sign up, the health inspector's coming, like, any minute.

So what?

Charlie

So wha-? So we're not Carmine's! Look, I can't have them see the sign.

Who gives a shit? We always get a passing grade.

Charlie

Yeah, we get a passing grade because I bust my ass to make sure that happens! Okay, and we don't pretend we're a restaurant! Look, this is fucking crazy, no signs!

No, we're using the sign, because the sign's a big part of the plan.

Charlie

What is the plan?! What is happening?!

Charlie, we found a loophole in the system.

Yeah, it's a closing loophole, it involves airline miles and points.

Charlie

You're doing a chicken and airline miles scam today?!

Look, it is a great plan, okay? We do not have a ton of time to explain it to you, we're busy.

Charlie

Okay, fine, whatever, I get it. I get it.

No, you don't.

It's a good plan, Charlie.

Charlie

Frank, Jesus Christ, man! Where are your shoes?!

I lost 'em in the bathroom.

S10 E4 Charlie Work

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Charlie

Okay. Dee, get the joke stool in the basement, all right? Can't have it out.

What? No way. It's hilarious.

Charlie

It's not hilarious, it's just a stool with a nail sticking out of it.

Yeah, and when it pokes their butts, they scream, 'cause they just got a nail right in the butt. I... you- you don't understand comedy at all.

Charlie

You don't understand comedy! That's not a joke, it's a lawsuit! Just put it in the basement, okay?

S10 E4 Charlie Work

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Charlie

What's wrong with the toilet? Looks clogged. What the hell? I just had these all in, like, perfect working condition.

Must be my shoes.

Charlie

Your shoes? What are you talking about?

Well, when I said I lost my shoes, I didn't mean I didn't know where they were. It's just that they were gone.

Charlie

You flushed your shoes down the toilet? Why would you do that?

It's an anxiety thing, Charlie. Everybody's moving so fast all of a sudden, it freaks me out. Flushing things gives me control. It's a thing.

S10 E4 Charlie Work

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Excuse me, with all due respect, Charlie, you don't even know what the goddamn plan is.

Charlie

Okay, okay, with all due respect to you, I think I understand it fully, okay? You guys used Frank's credit card, you bought a bunch of airline miles. You used those airline miles to purchase 400 steaks. Knowing that this delivery company delivered all variety of animal products, your plan was to contaminate the steaks with chicken feathers by rubbing live chickens all over them. Then you were gonna repackage the steaks, at which point, you were gonna return the contaminated steaks for actual cash, taking advantage of a loophole in the current airline miles system, correct?

Very good, Charlie.

That is it, that is it.

That was the plan, but I mean... you know, we basically had already explained it to you, so...

Charlie

Right, but what you didn't plan for was a hungry delivery guy who'd driven here all the way from Ohio, or that Dee's oversized fingers could've accidentally pressed "zero" again when she ordered the steaks online - I'm assuming you did the typing, Dee, yes?

...Goddamn it.

Dee, you bitch.

Charlie

But none of this matters to me, okay? Because today is inspection day. A day that I pride myself on, a day that I've never failed on, and I don't plan to begin failing now! So listen to me, and listen close like you've never done before: we are going to pull this thing off, so help... me... god.

S10 E4 Charlie Work

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Oh, no, he wants a turkey burger.

Charlie

What? Why?

I don't know. I offered it to him.

Charlie

Why would you do that?

You said pretend we're a restaurant--he looked like a turkey burger kind of guy.

Charlie

He looks like a turkey burger kind of guy?! Oh, my God, Dee, just put it on the furnace, okay, cook it up. Tell him you got the order wrong, just tell him you got the thing wrong. Oh, my God, what a stupid bitch. What a stupid bitch she is.

S10 E4 Charlie Work

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I- I used to be a cool guy, right, with a cool car hanging out all the time, and now I'm a- what am I? I'm a chauffeur to a bunch of worm-sucking idiots!

You?! What about me? I used to be a party boy who banged chicks all the time. You guys remember? But no-one was ever good enough for you, dude. So I got self-conscious and I stopped - because of you, I changed who I am at my core.

Mac, Mac, that is not what happened, okay? You are completely delusional. I mean- by the way, all of us have become so goddamn weird.

I think we're just hitting our stride.

Oh, you think we're "hitting our stride," Frank?

Yeah!

Really? 'Cause Dee's in a goddamn costume every other day! As a matter of fact, we all are; I think we have more costumes in the bar than we do kegs! I mean- wha- what if I said I wanted to become a man-cheetah right now? What would you do?

I'd go get the spots.

He's got spots! Why do you have spots- you shouldn't have spots! That's absurd, man. That's absurd... you know what? I actually- I blame you for most of this.

Me?

Yeah, because you came in here with your endless goddamn supply of money and financed all this bizarre behavior!

You were plenty weird before me. What about the underage drinking scheme? I wasn't even here for that.

But that made sense, Frank. It worked!

You know what? I gotta get away from you people, that's what it is. I-I- I fly off the handle every five seconds now.

You know what? I gotta get away from you people, you're all insane! I'm storming out!

Wha- don't copy me! I'm the one who's angry- GODDAMN IT!

You don't storm out on me, I storm out on you!

I'M THE ONE WHO STORMS OUT, I'M THE ONE WHO- Oh, OH, OH, yeah, no. Okay, you know what, that's fine. Storm out. Get angry. You guys be that guy, 'cause I'm not gonna be that guy anymore. I'm not gonna get angry and shit, I'm gonna cool off. I'm gonna go back to being what I was before: a cool guy who just hangs out and has a cool car. So, I'm not gonna storm out, but I am gonna leave. I'm gonna... leave casually.

[Charlie and Dee are alone in the bar]

Charlie

...You want to get lunch?

Sure.

S10 E6 The Gang Misses the Boat

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Charlie

It's like- sometimes those guys make me do things that aren't really me, you know?

Yeah.

Charlie

Like, okay, like- I kind of feel compelled to call you a bird right now and throw my glass of water in your face...

Right-

Charlie

...But, uh, I'm realizing that I only do that stuff 'cause I don't want the guys to do it to me first, you know what I mean?

Of course I do. You know what I was about to do? Pretend that I had to go to the bathroom, and then I was gonna sneak out the window and just get out of here, 'cause I was afraid you were gonna do that to me first.

Charlie

Oh, right, right, right.

Isn't that weird?

Charlie

I was, though.

Oh...

Charlie

But again, I think it was only- 'cause, like, that's what the guys would have done, and-

It's the peer pressure thing from those guys.

Charlie

Yeah, right. Okay, well, forget the guys today. Right? They're not here, so, um... what do you want to do?

Uhhhh, let's see... I'd like to order my food in a German accent.

Charlie

Right, right, okay, cool. Why?

I guess that's just, eh... I put all these expectations on myself to be funny all the time? You know, 'cause that's what people have come to expect from me, but that's not fair. It's too much pressure for me.

Charlie

Yeah, right. No, I don't think anyone expects that at all.

Well, what about you? What do you want to do?

Charlie

Okay! Well, I would like to get a chicken sandwich, but uh... I think I want to get the beak on the side? Frank's always making me eat it first, and... frankly, I'd rather eat it last, if I'm gonna have to eat it at all.

Ooh, I can help you here: instead of eating it last, you don't have to eat beak at all.

Charlie

...oh.

WWaitress

Ready to order?

Ja, vell, I vould like ze... (Charlie shakes his head) I'm sorry, I would... like a chicken sandwich, please.

WWaitress

Okay, and you?

Charlie

BEAK!

No-

Charlie

No...

No.

Charlie

...rrREGular chicken sandwich.

WWaitress

That's it?

That's all for him.

WWaitress

Okay.

...You did it! You did it.

Charlie

God, I really wanted to say it!

I saw that you wanted to say it.

Charlie

Yeah, yeah! Well, alright, this is good!

This is great. I'm very proud of you.

Charlie

Look at us! Yeah... no beak.

S10 E6 The Gang Misses the Boat

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Hey, listen, I want things to go back to normal, okay? I don't like the way things have become, and I want them to go back to the way they were-

Listen up! I want things to go back to normal! I don't like the way things are going, I want them to go back to normal.

What the hell are you doing, man?

I'm storming in.

I was storming in- what are you, a man-cheetah?

Yeah.

Cool.

You like it?

Yes!

Alright, good. I can't do this anymore, that last crew sucked on ice!

Okay, look, I like the man-cheetah thing, I want to go back to doing shit like this. Are you guys on board? I want to go back to the way things were.

Charlie

Definitely!

Definitely want things to be normal again.

Charlie

We should go back in time.

Can we go back a lot?

Okay, did you bomb and fail and bomb just like I knew you would?

Charlie

Oh, yes. Yeah, that's all that happened, and nothing else happened other than that.

There was a poetry thing, it was bad.

Charlie

There was a poetry thing, and SHUT UP, BIRD!

You shut up, you can't read!

[Everyone desperately laughs]

S10 E6 The Gang Misses the Boat

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Charlie

Dennis, what is this enticing bowl of white?

Charlie, that... that's cottage cheese.

Charlie

Cottage cheese? Like... cheese from some cottage? Whose cottage? Well, like, what is that, exactly?

How do you not know what it is? Aren't you, like, a cheese guy?

Charlie

I'm not a cottage guy.

You are gonna make us lose this game.

S10 E8 The Gang Goes on Family Fight

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Just need you to name an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us.

Charlie

Doesn't eat us-- that's easy. Dragon!

Charlie, do you eat dragon?

Charlie

No! I don't eat dragon 'cause, uh, it's-it's not a meal for peasants, it's a meal for kings, and I'm sort of a common man. But they don't eat us; they, uh, it's like a misconception. They actually eat gold and treasure. That's why they're always sitting on a big pile of it.

DMDee, Mac, and Dennis

Bad answer. Bad answer. Bad answer. That's a bad answer.

Okay, show me dragon!

Charlie

[laughing] I told you!

Well, astonishingly, uh, one person surveyed gave the answer dragon, so... What a world!

S10 E8 The Gang Goes on Family Fight

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I'm sorry, can I ask: how do you play with a goddamn hole?

Charlie

First, we just started, like, throwing things down it and then we never heard it land. It would just kind of rattle around down there.

Then we got a flashlight to see if we could see the bottom - we couldn't. Then I threw it down there! Y'know, to prove a point.

What was the point?

It was something to do with how metal... travels faster than light? Or-

Charlie

No, it was that light is either on or off, there's no speed to light. It's- it was an anti-science thing.

This hole, it's very exciting, Dennis. I mean, it represents infinite possibilities, it's endless.

Charlie

What if there's, like, a mutant living down there? We can get him up and he can live in the bar with us!

We've already got one mutant hanging out with us in the bar all the time. (laughs at Frank) Hey, Frank, did you hear what I said? I turned a frustrating conversation into a joke on you.

Huh? Oh, y-yeah.

...Frank, what do you think about this hole? Pretty cool, huh? You want to do something with it?

No, I don't. In fact, something just dawned on me: I need to quit.

Wha-what? What're- What're you talking about?

I don't care anything about this hole. I-I'm passionless.

What are you saying, Frank?

I hereby officially retire from Paddy's Pub.

[Frank leaves. After a few seconds, the Gang starts cheering]

S10 E9 Frank Retires

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Charlie

Look, I'm just trying to come up with a system. We gotta have a system here, y'know?

Wait, wait, wait, we do have a system for this! Paddy's Succession Plan, remember?

Oh shit, right. Yes, right! Paddy's Succession Plan! It was, like, a will we drew up to determine who would get each one of our shares in the very likely event of our untimely deaths.

We drank, like, three bottles of tequila and then we started talking about our legacy and how important that was to us-

Charlie

Gotta have a legacy.

Oh, here we go. On a paper plate, huh?

Yeah, read it, read it.

"Paddy's Succession Plan - Paddy's Pub shall secure our legacy here, henceforth and forevermore, throughout the birthright of our firstborn kin." Who hit the pen here?

It makes sense, don't be a bitch- what it means is, every one of our shares gets passed down to our firstborn.

Right! Right, our firstborn!

The shares get passed down to the firstborn kin? We are the firstborn kin of Frank!

Charlie

Well, hang on! That's not, like, an official document!

Uh, well, you signed it in your blood.