Charlie Kelly quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Charlie

[about Mac's phallic clay design] Love?

Mac

Yeah because I was making Cupid's arrow, dude.

Charlie

Why does it have a big vein running through it?

Mac

Because that's the streak as it flies through the air.

Charlie

Pappy McPoyle, patriarch of the McPoyle family. Royal was your pet bird. You've had him since you were a boy. And isn't it true that you never go anywhere without him?

[inexplicably sobbing hysterically to start off] I HAVE SEEN... RACOONS AND OYSTERS... DANCING ON THE HEAD OF A PIN WITH THE ANGELS! THEY ARE LAUGHING!

Mac

If we want to make money, we need to honor ancient Irish traditions, like serving an irresponsible amount of booze to people who are genetically pre-disposed to having alcohol problems. You see, Saint Patrick started that tradition, and that's why we celebrate him today.

Charlie

Yea- no! That's not what he did! No, he-he played the flute for some kids, and then he lured them into a cave somewhere and he diddled them.

Frank

Nah, you got him mixed up with the Pied Piper.

Dee

Right.

Frank

Saint Patrick didn't play the flute. He drove the kids out of Ireland... and then he molested them.

Mac

No, no, if- if Saint Patrick molested kids, he would be regarded as a scoundrel.

Dee

No, no, no. I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church, pedophiles were regarded as heroes.

Charlie

Heyoooooo! Check it out, Mac, got some cool stuff! I got some green paint aaaand I found a snake.

Mac

Great! Why?

Charlie

You know, the snakes 'cause, like, we... I don't remember where we landed on St. Paddy, but I remember snakes were involved. And the green paint's for the, uh, beer.

Mac

Okay, love the snake. Great catch there, but why not just use food coloring for the beer?

Charlie

Uh, 'cause beer's not a food? When was the last time you ate a beer?

Mac

When was the last time you drank paint?

Mac

Have you been drinking paint?

Charlie

...Nah.

Mac

Let me see your tongue. (Charlie sticks out his green tongue) Oh my God, dude! Oh, that shit's- that's disgusting!

Charlie

It's not that bad.

Mac

You- you can't drink paint!

Charlie

I know. I- I hear ya, I hear ya.

Mac

You say that, but I think that you're going to stop.

Charlie

Yeah. I get it though, man, it's uh... right.

Mac

I- I feel like you're saying you get it, but you don't get it.

Charlie

It's cool.

Mac

It's not cool.

Charlie

It is what it is-

Mac

Oh my God, this is so frustrating!

Charlie

Look, I'm gonna go down to the basement and I'm gonna check out my glue traps and see if I, y'know... get a leprechaun in there.

Mac

Wait, no, no, no, no. Wha-? We said no leprechaun this year, you're not chasing leprechauns.

Charlie

I know, and I kinda forgot where we landed on that. I got these great cookie sheets, they're filled with glue, so... but I hear you. I hear you. It's a frustrating thing, it's like the guy doesn't listen to us, man, where we're trying to get through to him. It's a bummer.

Mac

Welcome to my first ever dinner party! I'm gonna have lots of these types of functions in the future - y'know, with my new lifestyle.

Dennis

Wow, you're really just diving right into that, huh? Stereotypes and all.

Mac

Guys, we're gonna have an imaginary meal! I read about this. Yes, if you truly believe it, then it will make you full.

Frank

Can I have a broad with me, with big tits?

Mac

No, because that's gonna force us to imagine stuff we don't want to imagine.

Dennis

Good point.

Charlie

So, get rid of my dog?

Mac

Yeah, no dogs.

Charlie

(kicking) Get out of here! Go on, get out of here!

Dennis

Don't kick it-

Mac

Kick in his skull! We do not allow dogs in our house, right, Dennis?

Dennis

Wh- our house? Why is it our house-

Mac

Okay, now let's get started. Let me set the scene: the food. The menu!

Charlie

Paint a nice picture for us, alright? I'm starving!

Mac

Alright, we're gonna start with, like, a big hunk of chicken. Y'know, like... boiled and skinless, or whatever.

Frank

Huh.

Dennis

Okay...

Mac

And then, um, you're gonna want brown with the white, right? So like, maybe, like... some brown rice? No, no butters or seasoning.

Charlie

Really?

Frank

I want mashed potatoes.

Mac

No! No mashed potatoes, that's just empty carbs.

Dennis

Why can't we just imagine whatever we want?

Mac

Because this is my dinner party!

Dennis

Well, then take us there!

Mac

Alright! Okay, everyone's got something to drink.

Frank

Is it a milkshake?

Mac

No, not milkshakes... Gatorade. And it's gonna be my favorite flavor: blue.

Frank

"Blue" is not a flavor. How am I gonna taste blue?

Mac

Well, just imagine what blue tastes like!

Charlie

It, it tastes like blue.

Mac

Let's just dig in.

Dennis

Can we eat?

Charlie

Yeah, can we eat? Alright.

Charlie

That's kind of tough. D- did you overcook this?

Mac

No, I didn't cook it at all.

Charlie

Y- y-?! (spits out) Spit it out! It's raw, you're going to get sick! Spit it out!

Mac

No, no, don't spit it out! What are you guys doing, you don't need to spit it out! For the love of G- just imagine that it tastes good, okay? Look at Dennis, see?

Dennis

Oh, I'm not imagining your meal. No, I'm imagining a lovely coq au vin... braised with lardons and mushrooms.

Frank

I want that!

Dennis

Well, then have it! It's right in front of you, as is your buxom date, Frank.

Frank

Ah, come here baby-

Charlie

Hey, heeeeeey, she got her foot in my raw chicken! Get your hooker's foot out of my chicken, dude!

Charlie

Alright, relax, nobody's dying.

Dee

That's right, just listen to Charlie. He seems to have his head straight. Calm down-

Charlie

'Cuz we're already dead.

Dee

...Come again?

Charlie

Oh, I figured it out. We're dead, we died... and I don't know when it happened. It might've- it might've happened on the cruise ship, it might've happened on the drive to the cruise ship - you were going awful fast, Dennis. I don't know, maybe it happened weeks ago at the bar, some sort of... colossal and awesome event, I would imagine, but we're dead! And we're in hell, we're just being toyed with, here! Or- or maybe we're not in hell yet, maybe this is purgatory, and we're on our way to be judged. And soon, oh boy... ha ha, yeah, soon we'll really be in hell, won't that be something...

Dennis

Charlie, calm down. It's g- it's gonna be fine, okay? We can't be freaking out every five minutes. Now, look... if we work together, everything's going to be fine! We're gonna get out of here!

Charlie

Nah. We're already dead. I'll prove it. (points flare gun at his head and fires)

Charlie

Oh, man, look at this. Dog shit.

Mac

Did you just step in that on purpose?

Charlie

Oh, no, I just... you know, I didn't really see it.

Mac

You pointed it out to me!

Charlie

All right, fine. I voluntarily stepped in the dog shit so that I would smell of dog shit. Happy?

Dennis

Less happy. Why would it make me happy?

Charlie

I was trying to cover up the smell of the skunk that I let spray me so that there would be no questions.

Dennis

Well, now I have more questions.

Charlie

Of course you do.

Dennis

Like, why did you let a skunk spray you?

Charlie

To cover the smell of cologne, man.

Dennis

Oh, man. You know what? Go to the beginning. Go to the first smell! The first smell that begat all the other smells!

Charlie

The first smell was cigarettes! I 've been smoking with Dee! All right?

Mac

How would you describe the [black] arbiter?

Dennis

Yeah, you know what? We're, uh, we're treading on some very dangerous territory here, buddy.

Charlie

Nigger?

Charlie

I-I've tried everything for years with you. And I just-- At this point, I just don't know what else to say.

Oh, my God! Stop saying things to me. Don't you understand that this is never gonna happen, so let it go!

Charlie

But look, wha-- Why? You won't ever tell me why. You just say no, and you won't give me a shot. I don't understand what's so terrible about me.

What's so great about me, Charlie? What's wrong with you? Why are you so obsessed with me? I mean, you said it yourself, I'm a mess! So, why don't you just go find somebody better?!

Charlie

Well... 'cause there is no one better. And I love you.

Dennis

Hey, Charlie? Mac?

Charlie

Dennis!

Mac

The cops, the parents - they're all after us!

Charlie

How'd you get a Range Rover?! Just- get in, get in!

Dennis

Yeah, get in.

Charlie

Oh man, we did a bad thing!

Mac

Oh, Jesus...

Charlie

Just get out of here, man! Go, go, go! We did a bad thing, dude! I think I killed a kid!

Mac

He did, I saw him. I think the kid's dead.

Dennis

Shh, shh, shh... doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

Dennis

Hey! Hey, Dee, Frank, what's up?

Frank

We almost got T-boned by an Asian. It was totally my fault; she did everything by the book. Very surprising.

Frank

Also, Dee banged a kid.

Dee

No, no, I was trying to cuck a bit-!

Dennis

Shhhh, shh, shh, shh. It doesn't matter. It's okay. You're in the Range Rover now. All is well.

Dee

I need a place to stay. Let me talk to Frank.

Charlie

What's on your hand?

Dee

It's a piece of door; move past it.

Charlie

This is great! This is just great! You know, I'm like, now what are we supposed to all put our teeth in?!

Dee

Our faces? What are you talking about?

Charlie

I'm talking about our legacy! You know, I can't hold on to it, man!

Dennis

Legacy? You wanna talk legacy? You know what our legacy is? Spending our lives in this goddamn bar with a lunatic man who acts like a dog and handles his gun like a maniac!

Charlie

He's not gonna die falling from that height.

Dennis

Whoa, hard disagree, pal. You could absolutely die if you jump from that height.

Charlie

Wha- dude, it's like three stories. It's, like, basic science, y'know, like-

Mac

Uh, I'm sorry, let's not bring science into it, okay? I mean, this is life or death. This is God's territory, alright? I mean, there is no science.

Charlie

What do you mea- what do you mean "there is no science"? I mean, you were just talking about how much you love science and math for predicting your television shows. Wh- why do you not like it in this scenario? Like, do you either believe in science or do you not believe in science?

Mac

I am an American! I can believe in whatever I want in any given moment-

Charlie

I am also an American, okay, though?!

Mac

-based on the argument I'm trying to make!

Charlie

That is not an argument!

Mac

You are not a true American, Charlie!

Charlie

I am more American that you will ever be!

Dennis

Whoa, whoa, whoa, simmer down, guys. Just simmer down, calm down, alright? Dee, stop being so emotional.

Dennis

We could be known as a "suicide bar", and that's no good. I don't want to be that.

Cricket

Yeah, kinda grim. I'd probably take my business elsewhere.

Dee

You don't have business.

Charlie

Oh! What uh, what if you lean into that, though? Right? Like, you don't make it grim, but you make it playful. Like, we start to name drinks after jumpers or whatever, like... "The Last Call".

Dennis

"The Jump Shot".

Dee

"Lemon Drop".

Charlie

There ya go.

Mac

"Cosmo-fall-itan"?

Charlie

Oh, very good!

Dennis

We could become, like, a hot spot for jumpers, y'know? We'd put their pictures up, all around the bar to immortalize them, y'know, turn them into martyrs.

Mac

That's cool- and we'd play music, we'd play music. Uh... "Highway to Hell", "Free Fallin'."

Dee

You know what we could do? We could lean into, like, a- a haunted house kind of bar theme, you know?

Cricket

Yeah, that'd get my business back.

Dee

You don't have business, Cricket!

Dennis

Basically, what we've concluded is that it would actually be good for the bar if this guy jumps and dies, yeah? So the answer to the question of "should we get involved" is... is actually "yes!"

Mac

Yeah, but if- if we stop him, that would be bad for the bar, right Dennis?

Dennis

No, that's not what I'm saying, though. More importantly, that's not what the algorithm is saying. You see, we've already established that this guy wants to die, and that it would actually benefit our bar if he dies. Now, of course, from an emotional standpoint we feel as though we should get involved, we feel as though we should save this guy, but the algorithm is actually telling us that that does not benefit anybody. The algorithm is telling us mathematically, scientifically, that this guy could die, wants to die... and that we should help him do it. That's just math.