Barney Stinson quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Barney

I'm thinking about giving some of my money to charity.

Is that the name of the stripper you're emailing me about? You gotta take me off the list, Barney.

Barney

No I don't mean that Charity. That Charity is doing Peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week's e-mail. What up? [poses for a high-five]

Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.

Ted

[to Marshall and Lily] Are you kidding me?!? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now. [couple still look at him] I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!

Barney

[after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble...

Ted

And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.

Barney

I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark.

Ted

[shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-encrusted suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas! [Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]

Robin

So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski -

Ted

And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. [takes out coin] So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News. [flips coin into Robin's face] Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!

Lily

Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.

Marshall

I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. [high-fives Lily] Obviously, I'm the problem.

Barney

Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant -- that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.

Barney

Who's your daddy?

[laughs] Who's your daddy?

Barney

[shaky voice] I...don't...KNOW!!! [breaks down]

Barney

Loneliness...the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching...the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.

Robin

That's not a thing.

Barney

It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. [Visualizes Roman-era wedding] Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.

Ted

That's actually true.

Barney

Wait. There's more.

Ted

This won't be.

Barney

And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.

Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.

Player! Play on! High V. [high-fives]

Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.

And I thought Pompeii was smoking. [woman smiles]

Barney

Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.

Nora

Barney, what I'm about to say is gonna sound a little weird, but, I'm think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it.

Barney

Well, for what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked...unless you dump water on me, 'cause I'm [gestures to his heart monitor and mimics electrocution]... what is it?

Nora

I wanna get married. Not tonight, or even to you necessarily, but that's what I want, and if that's gonna scare you off, I'd rather it scare you off now. I want a family, I want to live in a house, with a garden with a tree for kids to climb. I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning - every morning - for the rest of my life. Just thought you should know that.

[Reading Barney's heart monitor] What happened at 8:46 PM last night.?

Barney

Well let's see, Wheel of Fortune, naked push ups, naked chin ups... oh I was at dinner.

Nora

[at dinner] Barney, what I'm about to say is gonna sound a little weird, but, I'm think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it.

Barney

Well, for what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked...unless you dump water on me, 'cause I'm [gestures to his heart monitor and mimics electrocution]... what is it?

Nora

I wanna get married. Not tonight, or even to you necessarily, but that's what I want, and if that's gonna scare you off, I'd rather it scare you off now. I want a family, I want to live in a house, with a garden with a tree for kids to climb. I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning - every morning - for the rest of my life. Just thought you should know that.

Jerry

Barney, what is going on?

Barney

This is mine.

Jerry

I don't understand.

Barney

JJ gets a childhood, a dad, a real family, and a basketball hoop? No, no, I at least get the hoop, I'm taking it with me.

Jerry

Please, just come down and talk to me.

Barney

Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame, suburban dad.

Jerry

Why does that make you so mad?

Barney

Because if you were going to be some [agitated] lame, suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me!?!?

Jerry

Look, Barney, I know I screwed up.

Barney

Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe what I've been through-

Jerry

I know, I know, I KNOW! I want to fix this and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything! [Barney continues trying to remove the hoop, Jerry briefly goes back inside and returns with a tool box] You'll never get it down like that. [gives screwdriver to Barney, who hits hoop with it like a hammer] No, Barney, Barney! Put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it, now turn it. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. [Barney begins unscrewing] I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. It took courage to send me that letter. More courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies, and I, I just... I have no idea where to begin.

Robin

You're too young, it's unfair!

Marshall

We're not going anywhere buddy, we're staying with you right up till the end.

Barney

Thank you Marshall. [coughs] Marshall, can I ask for one final favour, my friend?

Marshall

Yes, yes, of course, anything.

Barney

Eat this meatball sub. [offers wrapped sub]

Marshall

Where did you get this-

Barney

[winces in pain] I don't have much time!!!

Marshall

[unwrapping sub] Yes yes, of course, of course. [prepares to bite] Does this have some sort of meaning? [meatball sub explodes in his face]

Barney

[gets out of bed and laughs menacingly] I'm not sick, you idiots. I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't-- 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce!

Ted

Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas. [Barney looks at his pajamas and stops laughing; his face decomposes itself]

Barney

Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's Club Was, there's Wrong...

Marshall

Um, those places shut down a long time ago.

Barney

Oh no.

Marshall

Oh No shut down too.

Ted

There's Where.

Jerry

Where's Where?

Lily

Where's where Was was, isn't it?

Barney

No, Was wasn't where Where was. Was was where Wrong was, right?

Jerry

Okay...

Ted

Not Okay. That place is lame.

Robin

Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong?

Marshall

That's wrong. That's Not Wrong.

Barney

Guys, focus.

Robin

Oh, I like Focus, let's go there.

Ted

Where?

Robin

Not Where, Focus.

Lily

I thought Focus was closed.

Barney

No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed.

Marshall

So Closed is open.

Robin

No, Closed is closed.

Jerry

I don't know. Third base, right?!

Robin

Ew, Third Base is all frat guys.

Lily

I'll go any place, okay?

Ted

Not Okay. Okay is lame.

Robin

Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar.

Lily

Guys, shut up.

Barney

No, Shut Up shut down. I can't believe I don't know the clubs anymore.

Marshall

Guys, just pick a club, okay?

Ted

Not Okay!

Okay is Lame! Gay bar!

Marshall

For the record, um, I was in there once by accident. I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Lamé.

Barney

It's Hopeless, isn't it?

Barney

When I think about going for anything more than that, I look at my life and who I am. I'm too far gone. I'm broken.

Jerry

[looks back at Barney] Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be...and look at me now. Don't get me wrong, settling down is a challenge - it's the biggest challenge of your life.

Barney

So how do you do it?

Jerry

A magician never reveals his greatest trick, but I'll give you a hint: you got to meet the right girl. Who knows, maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.

Barney

Maybe I've met her already.

Barney

[at bar kissing women in the lips a la Richard Dawson] Hey there, Darling ... how you doing? ... is this your sister? ... Beautiful! [goes to gang's booth]

Ted

Hey, where are our chicken wings?

Barney

Show me chicken wings! [gestures to Carl, who gives the wings to waitress]

Robin

Good order, Ted!!!! [gang cheers]

Barney

Do you know what I had to go through to get you that job?

Marshall

Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up everyday?

Barney

Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what you hair looked like?

Marshall

[infuriated] I showed up with wet hair once! ONCE!

Ted

Barney, what are you doing here?

Barney

[in aristocratic voice] Who is this Barney? My name is John Clifford Larrabee, architect of the Arcadian, and I'm visiting you, in a dreeeeaam.

Ted

Really, because it looks like my insane friend rented a costume and broke into my apartment in the middle of the night for what I wish was the first time.

Barney

[normal voice] It's a dream, it is, so... [assumes aristocratic voice again] Theodore, do not try to save the Arcadian.

Ted

Barney, there's condoms in the drawer, just take it and get out-

Barney

I am not Barney!!! [activates flickering lights]

Ted

Whoo, lighting change!