Barney Stinson quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Ted

We should buy a bar.

Barney

We should totally buy a bar!

Marshall

We should absolutely, totally, buy a bar!

Robin

Really, the only sensible idea right now.

Marshall

Oh, oh, and ready?

Barney

What?

Marshall

It's a theme bar... it's a courtroom!

Ted

Yes! Where the bartenders wear sexy judges' robes.

Marshall

Uh, I'll allow it!

Barney

It's the only court where you show up, then get served!

Robin

You're judged by a jury of your beers!

Robin

[cutting in partway through the argument] Guys, I dated you both, and neither of you is good at pressing or even finding "the button". After some awkward pawing around, that building is gonna fake an implosion, say, "Baby, that was great" and go to sleep.

[to each other] She means you.

Nora

Ok, let's skip ahead. What's the worst one? The lowest of the low? The crème de la creepy?

Barney

Oh, I once pulled the Soul Man. There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys- [black woman at next booth overhears and looks in their direction]

Barnelle!?! Ooh, I knew it! [walks out]

Ted

Oh, guess who I ran into [at the Architect's Ball]. A girl from my past. Any guesses?

Lily

Stella.

Barney

Zoey.

Marshall

Karen?

Lily

The girl who beat you up.

Barney

The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!

Marshall

The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?

Ted

You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.

Barney

I know you're old, and I've been struggling with it, but when I look at you, and I don't care, because I really like you...and because for 37, you're keeping it really tight!

Nora

You think I'm 37?

Barney

If you were actually 29, then you would have been a little kid the first time you saw the Ewoks, and you would have loved them.

Nora

Barney, I never saw any of the Star Wars movies until last year.

Barney

You...you're 29?! [embraces Nora] You still have one good year left -

Nora

[Surprised] What?

Barney

Nothing...[kisses Nora]

Marshall

[seeing them giggle] This may have been a mistake.

Barney

[looks at Marshall] Boy...do I like babies!

Robin

Girl...friend, your hair looks fantastic!

Barney

Twins...was the feel-good movie of 1988.

Barney

This is nice. What is this?

Canadian whiskey.

Barney

[Spits out drink] I want Scotch...American Scotch, from Scotland! Just get that swill away from me! [hands back glass to waitress and makes cat-like hiss; to Robin] Why are you doing this to me?

Robin

You've been ripping on Canada since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snowblower, so now this Canuck's gonna be on you like the drummer from the Yukon Blondes, high up on Timbits.

Ted

Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...

Robin

Unpopular.

Lily

Beaten up.

Barney

Going to movies with his mom.

Ted

A Boy Scout is always prepared.

Robin

Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.

Marshall

Prepared to die a virgin.

Barney

Prepared to paint his sister's nails..

Ted

Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...

Robin

You're a tropical depression.

Robin

As soon as we dock, I'm taking Kevin to the ER. God, I wish last night never happened.

Barney

I don't.

Robin

What do you mean?

Barney

What if this whole thing isn't the whole story of how we made a horrible mistake and ruined our relationships? What if it's the story of how we got back together?

Robin

Okay, I'm gonna ask you one last time: is this what you want?

Barney

It's what we both want. Why else are we rushing to tell them what we did - on a boat? That is a terrible idea.

Robin

Barney, we tried this, and we failed! Why try again?

Barney

Because I haven't stopped thinking about you and you haven't stopped thinking about me.

Robin

I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?

Barney

[long pause] I guess, because you're as messed up as I am.

Barney

Are we still friends?

Robin

Hope

Barney

Good. [sits on bathtub] 'Cause get this, Ted almost adopted a baby. [scoffs] Crazy, right? Poor guy's going through some stuff. He actually tried to rope me into it. Can you imagine me being someone's dad?

Robin

I'm pregnant. [Barney, non-plussed, looks at Robin]

Barney

I can't believe I haven't seen you around.

Well after Sheila and I had that...quickie, my life's been playdates, preschool, and poop. I haven't set foot in a bar in years.

Barney

You stopped drinking?

Oh, I still drink.

Barney

Oh my God...

Robin

[speaking on broadcast] This is Robin Scherbatsky filling in for Sandy Rivers. You know, America, tonight I've been groped, slapped and puked, and until ten minutes ago, I had no idea I'd be on national television...

Kevin

[smiles] That's my girl.

Robin

...but that's the magic of New Year's. When that clock strikes midnight, we all get a fresh start. and I don't know about you, but I could really use one. and that magic moment starts in ten. [starts countdown]

We go to party at slaughterhouse. You come?

Robin

[thought] Please God, no!

Barney

[thought] Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore.

[thought] I can't believe that Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.

Kevin

[thought] Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?

Barney

Come on Robin, it's my penis we're talkin' about! You've seen her, she's magnificent!

Robin

She?

Barney

Every penis is a girl Robin. Everyone knows that, like ships...and lake monsters.

Barney

Where has this heavenly vehicle been all my life? Can you hear its inspiring chant, Ted? "I think I can get laid, I think I can get laid..." It's The Little Engine with Wood, the Whore-ient Express, The Long Island Tail-road!

Ted

Oh I got one - Thomas the Spank Engine.

Barney

Ted, that is a children's book.