How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes

All Seasons
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Abby: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Barney: Yes!
Abby: You're thinking about having sex with Ted?

Barney: [About something the happened the previous night] I couldn't be more unhappy! I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's-it's called manners!

Barney: [at a party] Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?
Employee at Liberty Bell Site: Only all the time.
Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?
Employee: Yeah.
Barney: Have you ever licked it?
Employee: Nope...I have never licked it.
Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word? LEGEN-wait for it-DARY.

Barney: [in old man make-up] You there, what's your name?
Woman: Cindy.
Barney: Cindy. I knew it! You're the Cindy, the one that can change everything...or spell our inevitable doom. Now listen to me, Cindy. I am Barney Stinson. And I am on an urgent mission from the future.
Woman: The future?
Barney: The future! And I can prove it! In exactly four seconds, the woman at that booth is going to slap that man. [Clears throat loudly]
[Robin slaps Ted; woman is amazed]
Barney: In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane...but in order to save the planet, you need to sleep with him. Tonight.
Woman: What?
Barney: Sleep with Barney Stinson, tonight, in whatever way he wants it...or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race!
Woman: What are you talking about?
Barney: I have no time to explain. I have to get back to the reality accelerator before the vortex closes. Only you can save us, Cindy. I must away!
[Barney returns a few minutes later, looking like himself]
Woman: Oh my God! You're-oh my God! Can I buy you a drink?
Barney: Well, I guess I have time for one drink, and forty-five minutes to an hour of some other activity. But after that I have to get back to, uh, a secret research project I'm working on.
Woman: Global warming?
Barney: My god. How did you know that?

Barney: [in the laser tag arena] Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!
Robin: See you on the other side.
Both: [Charging] Yaahhhhh!
[Both got shot]
Barney: Damn! ...You wanna get a soft pretzel?
Robin: Yeah.

Barney: [picks up dart] Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!
Robin: Oh, wow, a new dart!
Ted: Hey, that new dart is great!
Robin: I did not know you were such a fan of "newdart", Barney!
Barney: Oh yes, Robin, I just love "newdart"...”nude art". "Nude art"!
[Barney, Robin, and Ted laugh.]
Marshall: Okay, all right, so what, you guys found the painting, huh?!?
Lily: I knew this day would come.
Marshall: How did you know that?
Lily: Because I didn't hide it very well.

Barney: [refusing to acknowledge his feelings for Nora] I don't get smitten, I smite!

Barney: [talking with Lily about waiting in line for the wedding-dress sale] I can't go, I've got this thing...
Lily: What thing?
Barney: ...a penis.

Barney: [to James] Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun! [to Ted, Marshall, Lily, and Robin] Huh... yes offense.

Barney: [to Lily during his play] Moist. Moist. Moist...
Future Ted: This was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.

Barney: [to Marshall, who is talking about being recruited by Jeff Coatsworth] Oh, he's good. Classic seduction technique. I use it all the time. First, I buy her, and by her I mean you, a drink. Then I pretend to be interested in whatever she cares about, for you that would be the.. environment. I be all sympathetic and before you know it, you're naked in my apartment shouting, "Oh-oh, Ba-ar-nee-ee-ee!" And by you, I mean her...

Barney: [To Ted] Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.
Marshall: Do you really think that's true?
Barney: Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out.
Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered!

Barney: [to Ted] Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP! [Hand up in the air waiting for a high-five from Ted]

Barney: Alright, fine, the stripper at Stewart's Bachelor Party was a 15.
Ted: [Appalled] She was 15?
Barney: A 15. Like in blackjack.
Ted: As in, not sure whether you'd hit it?
Barney: Exactly!
Ted: Nice.

Barney: And now to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.
Robin: Barney!
Barney: The two ladies will kiss!
[Robin and Lily kiss and Robin tries to pull away, but Lily keeps kissing her]
Robin: Uh, Lily.
Lily: Sorry.
Barney: And now the gentlemen...
Ted: DUDE!
Barney: And now the gentlemen! [Marshall and Ted kiss] I was going to say "And now the gentlemen bump fists." How long you been holding back that one?