The Mother quotes from How I Met Your Mother

The Mother

There are real villains in this world, but they don’t always get real justice, do they? You wanna believe karma is gonna get ‘em, but karma doesn’t always come through. I guess you have to accept that sometimes in life you just don’t get that knock-out punch.

The Mother

Hi Max, it's me. Sorry to interrupt, I know you're probably up there playing baseball with your Dad. Um look, I've got a situation here. I think that I've been holding myself back from falling in love again and I think it's because I can't let you go but [nearly breaks down] you're not here anymore, so... I have to ask this. Would it be okay if I moved on? I realize that you have no way of answering that, but [feels sudden gust of wind] okay. I'll take that as a yes. In that case, I should get back in there. [moves to door, but] I guess this is it. For real this time... Bye, Max.

Ted

Did you wire the down payment to the castle guy? [to Barney] I got a castle guy.

Barney

I've got, like, three castle guys. And a moat guy.

The Mother

So I didn't wire the payment because I don't think we can get married in September.

Ted

What-What, why? -

The Mother

Because, when I do get married, I kind of want to fit in my dress. [makes belt motion around waist]

Ted

Why wouldn't you f - [catches on that The Mother is pregnant] No!!

The Mother

Hey, are you okay? You look stressed. Plus, you muttered a few words out loud. I heard "lonely" and "unicorn", which actually gave me a great idea for a children's book, so... thank you. Are you okay?

Lily

No, but there's nothing you can do.

The Mother

Do you wanna cookie? [Offers a container of cookies]

Lily

Yes... yes I do! [Grabs a cookie]

The Mother

Whoa! You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train. I like how trusting you are. There could be drugs or poison in there.

Lily

But there's not, is there?

The Mother

No idea, I found them under my seat.

The Mother

No! Kidding! Sorry! You looked stressed so I thought you could use a cookie and then I thought you could use a joke, I should have stopped at the cookie.

Lily

You know what? I don't care if these are poisoned. There's chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches.

The Mother

I call them sumbitches! [smiles and laughs along with Lily]

...And that's how Lily met your mother.

Ted

You wanna hear something funny? One year ago today, almost to the minute, I was sitting at this very table, right in that seat. [points to seat]

The Mother

Oh yeah, I can see it. You nursing that gin and tonic with three extra limes, doing the crossword. Probably being all showboaty about it.

Ted

I wasn't showboaty about it.

Vesuvius...booyah! [stares at puzzle] Wait that doesn't fit.

Ted

The point is, one year ago today, I made a promise to myself, right at this table.

The Mother

What was the promise?

The Mother

Wait a second. Hold it. One year ago today, you hadn't even met me.

Ted

I know, but I knew I would - and now it's a year later...

The Mother

And here I am.

Ted

Here you are. Love in your eyes, baked goods in your undergarments.

The Mother

Yeah, you picked a real winner, Mosby. [taps hand]

Ted

Yeah, I did. [long stare] Seriously, what the crap's taking so long with these rooms? It's like this last year. I'll be right back.

The Mother

I'll be right here.

The Mother

Okay, this is crazy. Do you know where this umbrella came from, because I could've sworn that I... [sees that Cindy has been crying] What's wrong? Are you okay?

We broke up.

The Mother

Oh well I never liked him and I never thought he deserved you, and... I am sorry I didn't know you were dating someone. Who was this?

He was the architecture professor, the one who taught Econ 305 by accident.

The Mother

Oh. That guy? Why did you break up?

He's got a thing for you!

The Mother

[surprised] What?!?! He... what? ... He did.. what? How could he have a thing for me, he's never even met me.

He didn't have to. Everything he saw of yours he went crazy for.

The Mother

You should have brought him to my room, okay. He would have run screaming once he saw my calligraphy set, my coin collection, my chainmail corset from the Renaissance fair... well that's pretty cool.

Come on. How could he not be in love with you? The way you fall asleep on the couch when you're doing the crossword...

The Mother

[confused] When did he see me fall asleep on the -

[staring at her intensely] The way your hair smells... The way your eyes sparkle... [She leans in and kisses the Mother on the lips, catching her off guard. Eventually, she pulls back] I think I might have some stuff to figure out.

The Mother

You might.

[embarrassed] I'm so sorry.

The Mother

No, uh, it's okay. It was nice... I haven't been kissed in a really long time.

Ted

And that's the story, right down to the surprise ending.

The Mother

Is that really such a surprise? I mean, come on. Yeah, of course she showed up. What mother wouldn't want to be at her daughter's wedding? [Ted offers no answer. When she looks up from her coffee, she sees that he has started to weep as a result of her comment] Oh, hey. No. Come on.

Ted

[sniffles] It's okay. I'm fine. I'm okay.

You will be shocked, kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever. That's why when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it.

Ted

[to Mother] So I guess... goodnight.

The Mother

Goodnight. [shares long kiss with Ted] Unless, do you want to walk around some more? It's still early.

Ted

Sure.

The Mother

[Walks off ahead, but sees Ted looking at her] What are you doing?

Ted

[pauses] Remembering this.

The Mother

[smiles and offers hand] Come on. [they walk off]