Hans Georg Schultz quotes from Hogan's Heroes

Schultz

Kommandant Klink says you can have ten minutes with the prisoner.

Hogan

Ten minutes?! Oh, come on, Schultz. Hardly long enough to eat a chocolate bar.

Schultz

Twenty minutes?

Hogan

Eat slowly. [hands the bar to Schultz]

Hogan

Remember, the enemy is everywhere.

Schultz

Me, an enemy?! I'm just as loyal a German soldier as anyone here in this room!

Hogan

We know that, Schultz, and we respect you for it.

Klink

It's unbelievable! The most efficient POW camp in all of Germany, and we have no plumber!

Schultz

Herr Kommandant, Corporal Schneider was our plumber.

Klink

Was?!

Schultz

Before he was sent to the Russian Front.

Klink

Well, what idiot sent him to the Russian Front?! [Schultz looks pointedly at Klink.] Don't tell me what idiot.

Klink

I would be better off at the Russian Front.

Schultz

When you are there, can you find Corporal Schneider?

Klink

Everything ready, Schultz?

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. Alles in ordnung.

Klink

Now, the convoy will arrive at 2200 hours; that's in a few minutes. Are the prisoners accounted for in the barracks?

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! I even got extra guards. The prisoners are sleeping peacefully, like little children. Dreaming of digging tunnels and escaping back home, and seeing-

Klink

Schultz! I'm asking for a report, not a bedtime story!

Schultz

The Fuehrer said those Russians are cowards; they are always on the run!

Hogan

The reports I hear, they're running the wrong way, Schultz.

Schultz

Colonel Hogan.

Hogan

Yeah, we know, Schultz-- roll call. But I want the men to finish their game.

Schultz

There won't be any roll call.

Hogan

Look, no arguments, Schultz. This is our exercise period.

Schultz

I said, there will be no roll call!

Hogan

And I said-(pause) No roll call?

Schultz

That's right.

Schultz

(Newkirk, Lebeau, and Hogan approach Klink's quarters) Halt! Who goes there?

Newkirk

Heinrich Himmler, Joseph Goebbels, and I'm Hermann Goering.

Schultz

Jolly jokers.

Schultz

Open the door! I am going to count to three! If you don't open the door, I am going to break in! One! Two! Three!

Schultz

Who was holding the door? I WANT TO KNOW!

Hogan

Nobody, Schultz; it sticks in the warm weather.

Schultz

It is freezing outside!

Hogan

It's a pleasure to see your mind work.

Hochstetter

The most important prisoners you will ever see. Every important leader of the underground movement.

Hogan

My congratulations, Major Hochstetter.

Hochstetter

What is this man doing here?

Klink

Oh, I'm so sorry. Major Hochstetter, this is the American prisoner, Colonel Hogan. Colonel Hoga-

Hochstetter

Klink, did I ask for an introduction?

Hogan

I just thought I'd show the new prisoners around-with your permission, of course.

Hochstetter

(miffed) What is this man doing here?

Klink

Schultz! Escort Colonel Hogan to the barracks at once!

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Hochstetter

(Hochstetter and Klink walk away from Hogan)A special armed guard is coming to take these prisoners to Berlin. In the meantime, I want you to prepare a maximum security block for them.

Klink

Yes, sir, maximum security. You can depend on me, heh, heh.

Hochstetter

I am sure it's not necessary to tell you what would happen to you should there be an escape, hmm?

Klink

An escape from Stalag 13? (Laughs) That's a good on-

Hochstetter

You will be shot.

Klink

[fearful] That's another good one.

Hochstetter

(Klink and Hochstetter walk back, pass Hogan, and turn around, realizing he is still there)(Screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!

Hogan

Would you mind lowering your voice, Major? You're going to bring the property values down in this neighborhood.

Hochstetter

What is this man doing here?

Klink

You see, Major Hochstetter, the escaped prisoner, and my efficient, trusted, and dependable Sergeant.

Schultz

Where, where?

Hochstetter

If you had run your camp properly, Klink, he never would have escaped in the first place.

Hogan

Can you fellas finish this discussion later? We're dying to get back to camp.

Hochstetter

What is this man doing here?

Klink

Major Hochstetter, I assure you-

Hochstetter

You have delayed me for long enough. We are going to search this building.

Newkirk

For what?

Klink

He thinks that there is an underground contact here.

Hogan

We didn't see anybody.

Klink

You see? I told you-

Hochstetter

(screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!?!?!

Hogan

You're shouting again. Somebody is going to call a cop.

Schultz

My Herr Ex-Kommandant!

Klink

What is it, Schultz?

Schultz

I have good news and bad news.

Hogan

Give him the good news first, Schultz.

Schultz

They ordered you to be shot first thing in the morning.

Klink

That's good news?! What's the bad news?!

Schultz

They're not giving you a blindfold.

Hogan

It's hard to believe, even for the Gestapo.

Schultz

They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad.

Klink

Ha! They'll never get any volunteers from my men!

Schultz

I beg to report Herr Kommandant, they did.

Klink

How many volunteered?

Schultz

Seventy-six.

Hogan

How many men do you have?

Schultz

Eighty-two.

Klink

At least six of my men are loyal.

Schultz

No, Herr Komandant. Two are in the hospital and four are on furlough.

Hogan

Well that makes it unanimous.

Klink

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We only have EIGHTY men!

Schultz

Not counting the two deserters. But they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot.

Schultz

Oh, boy, am I in trouble. When I send my wife only half the money she usually gets- oh, boy!

Hogan

Straighten it out when you go home on leave.

Schultz

She'll straighten me out.

Hogan

Then don't go home.

Schultz

She'll come and get me.

Schultz

STOP IT! STOP IT! What are you doing?! Going for a little walk, huh?

Yeah, goin' for a walk!

Schultz

YOU'RE WALKING RIGHT INTO THE COOLER, YOU UNDERSTAND?!

Hogan

Hold it, Schultz, you can't arrest this man!

Schultz

Who says so?!

Hogan

He was just airing his blanket, isn't that right?

Yes, sir!

Klink

Schultz! Schultz! What's going on out there?! What's all the shooting?

Hogan

He was just airing his blanket, Schultz. [Hands Schultz a chocolate bar.]

Schultz

You want me to believe that? [Hogan gives him another chocolate bar.] Herr Kommandant, false alarm! The guards in the tower are trigger-happy!

Klink

There will be no more trigger-happiness tonight!

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Take him back to the barracks. [To the prisoner] And you! Wait until after the war to air your blanket, you understand?!

Schultz

Raus, everybody, raus, raus, raus, raus!

Hogan

What's happening, Schultz?

Schultz

The Kommandant has an important announcement to make!

Newkirk

Bout what?

Schultz

I know-

Nothing, nothing!