Cpl. Louis LeBeau quotes from Hogan's Heroes

Lebeau

What happens in your army if you shoot a Colonel?... In my army, we get the Croix de Guerre.

LeBeau

Hey, this is a late model! How much can we get for it on the black market?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk

Steal a German tank?!

Col. Robert E. Hogan

We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.

Well, how do we get ahold of it?

Cpl. Louis LeBeau

How do we get it in here?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk

Where are we going to hide a tank?

Sgt. Andrew Carter

Where do we take it apart?

Col. Robert E. Hogan

Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Hogan

Didn't you learn anything from DuBois?

LeBeau

Well, most of the time we just made crepes suzettes.

Hogan

I said "volunteer", I can't order you to go on a mission like this. Now who's going to step forward and take this job thank you Lebeau.

Lebeau

I didn't move a muscle!

Hogan

You have that volunteer look.

Lebeau

That's how I got married: volunteered same way.

Hogan

If only we could... Lebeau.

Lebeau

Did I volunteer for something again?

Hogan:

LeBeau, how are you on pizza?

LeBeau:

Pizza?! You would ask a Frenchman to cook a piece of cardboard with tomato sauce?

Hogan:

We swear not to tell anybody.

LeBeau

Ask me to dig a tunnel, yes. To climb a barbed wire, yes. But to make a pizza, no.

Hogan

We all have to make sacrifices.

Hogan

I think we can get to Bonuccelli.

Lebeau

How are you going to do that?

Hogan

Work on his weaknesses.

Newkirk

Italians are very sentimental.

Carter

And they love music.

Kinchloe

Anybody know the words to Santa Lucia?

LeBeau

I say we do it to him before he does it to us.

Newkirk

Right. Knock him off.

Hogan

Hey, you can't just go around knocking off German officers; the ones that're left start asking embarrassing questions.

Klink

Repoooort!

Schultz

Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.

Klink

Good. Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.

Newkirk

Hey, they're gonna surrender!

LeBeau

Good move!

Carter

Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender!

Who told you?

Carter

I just heard it!

Klink

Colonel Hogan, control your men!

Hogan

I can't, sir, the news of your surrender is-

Klink

Who said anything about a surrender?

Hogan

You did.

Klink

When?

Hogan

Just now, you used the word yourself.

Klink

Only to deny it!

Hogan

Well, I had to start somewhere.

Klink

Silence!

Hogan

Okay, men, the surrender's off!

Klink

Now I've just had word that General Stauffen of the Fuehrer's headquarters will personally visit Stalag 13. I expect every prisoner in this camp to clean up and look neat.

Newkirk

Can't do it. Somebody stole me mascara brush!

Schultz

There's a new general in command of the military district. Tomorrow, he will be here for inspection.

Hogan

I can hardly wait.

Schultz

The orders are to clean up the barracks-

-Clean up the compound, and clean up yourself!

Schultz

LeBeau! Wake up, LeBeau!

LeBeau

I'm sleeping. Come back in an hour.

Schultz

An hour?! Are you crazy? You're an escaped prisoner, let's go!

LeBeau

What do you think, Colonel?

Hogan

I think for a big man, Schultz moves pretty fast.

Kinchloe

This Gestapo agent sounds like real trouble.

Hogan

Never known one who wasn't.

LeBeau

Just say the word, Colonel, and I'll make sure he's no trouble at all.

Hogan

Sure, then we'll really be in trouble. When a Gestapo agent's been killed?

LeBeau

Who'll know he's been killed? I'll make it look like he died of an accidental cut throat.

Hogan

There must be a way. Think for a minute.

Newkirk

Hey, I've got a solution, sir. Why don't we all go to bed and mind our own business?

Hogan

He always comes up with something, doesn't he?

Carter

Why doesn't one of us just open the door and walk out there? And if somebody stops us, we just say we're goin' for a walk!

LeBeau

Just like that, huh?

Carter

Sure! Casually! It's gotta work because it's simple.

Hogan

If it's so simple, you go ahead and do it.

Carter

Me?

Hogan

It's your idea. Just tell the guy you're out for a walk.

Carter

Right.

Hogan

Just put it anywhere.