Hogan's Heroes quotes

Schultz

(After Hogan revealing Newkirk in a Gestapo uniform)What a relief, if the Gestapo...Colonel Hogan...what is he doing in a uniform! Colonel Hogan please, oohhh you went to far. I must report this, it would be worth my life if I do not report this.

Col. Robert E. Hogan

It's only until tomorrow, then he's gonna take it off again.

Schultz

Aahhh.

Col. Robert E. Hogan

After he steals the tank.

Schultz

Ohh...

Col. Robert E. Hogan

From the Panzer division.

Schultz

Oohhh...

Col. Robert E. Hogan

And brings it here into the barracks.

Schultz

Oh I see nothing. I was not here. I did not even get up this morning!

Schultz

Eine, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben...acht...neun...zehn...

Col. Robert E. Hogan

Elf is next, eleven, Schultz.

Schultz

I know how to count.

Col. Robert E. Hogan

So do many of the young guards, I think it's how they're taught.

What an honor to have you here --

Where is my tank, Klink?

Hasn't it come back yet?

No. Klink, I released a tank to you to put down a riot by prisoners. I see no riot, I see no tank! All I see is a Colonel about to become Corporal!

Please, General -- it will turn up! I have searched the barracks, the surrounding areas, the prisoners--

[sarcastically]: The prisoners? Nobody had it in his pocket?! We are talking about a Tiger tank Klink!! Not a toy dump truck!

(Shaking his head)

Cpl. Peter Newkirk

Steal a German tank?!

Col. Robert E. Hogan

We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.

Well, how do we get ahold of it?

Cpl. Louis LeBeau

How do we get it in here?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk

Where are we going to hide a tank?

Sgt. Andrew Carter

Where do we take it apart?

Col. Robert E. Hogan

Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Col. Klink

It is impossible to hide a tank! Therefore I suspect you! (in regards to Col. Hogan and his men hiding the Tiger tank)

Col. Klink

Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.

Schultz

Me, too, Herr Komman…

Col. Klink

I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front.

Schultz

Boy, are you running the camp!

Klink

You said "aimed at England," yeah?

Hogan

Mm-hmm

Klink

For your information, half of the airfield of Hamburg is missing, destroyed! I must see Major Hauser at once. Maybe he has a better lie than yours. [grabs his hat and storms out of the room]

Hogan

Another day, another rocket.

Schultz

So, England, they made a big hole in Hamburg. [clicks tongue] Naughty naughty.

Hogan

What could I do, Schultz? My aim is terrible when I'm in a hurry. [feeds him a grape]

Klink

I am well aware, Colonel Hogan, there is nothing you and your men would not do to try to undermine my position, even to have me replaced.

Hogan

Replace you, are you kidding? We'd do anything to keep you here.

Klink

Schultz! Where is that radio?

Schultz

They didn't tell me!

Klink

Find it at once!

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink

[as the Schultz and the other guards search] Hogan! Where does that voice come from?

Hogan

From the accent, I'd say England.

Schultz

Where did she come from? Don't tell me, but wherever it was, put her back!

What is it you want?

Hogan

Cleveland.

Cleveland?

Hogan

I want to be Burgermeister. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, sir. I'll be loyal. One set of books.

Hogan

If the Germans can have an American prisoner, why can't the American prisoners have a German prisoner? If we're wrong, what are they gonna do, lock us up?

Hogan

We're gonna build the bridge with a very special feature.

Newkirk

What do you mean by that?

Hogan

It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.

Klink

Bribe me, eh? I will throw them in the cooler for life. Even after the war. Even if we lose!

Klink

If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing. You - are - ignorant.

Schultz

Oh, I can handle that.

Klink

I know.