General Burkhalter quotes from Hogan's Heroes

General Burkhalter

Klink, my policy has always been one of complete cooperation with the Gestapo, provided I found their requests were reasonable. Fortunately, I have found all of their requests reasonable. No matter how unreasonable they were...

General Burkhalter

Klink, single-handed you cut the Thousand-Year Reich down to a bare six months! In fact, we may not last until Christmas!

General Burkhalter

Klink is a fine actor. Look how well he's played the part of a German officer all these years.

General Burkhalter

Klink, stop agreeing with me; you are undermining my confidence.

Klink

Ah, General Burkhalter, you're just in time! The Fuehrer has just made a surprise visit to Stalag 13!

General Burkhalter

The Fuehrer, here?

Klink

And in an excellent mood!

General Burkhalter

I must greet him at once!

Carter

I would have won the war a long time ago if it wasn't for my generals! All they do is eat, and have good times!

Hogan

Really?

Carter

Ja. I have one general who looks like a stuffed goose! But believe me, one day, the goose will hang high, BY HIS EARS!

General Burkhalter

On second thought, perhaps I will see the Fuehrer some other time.

Sir. May I ask...

General Burkhalter

Yes.

Do you actually suspect Klink of disloyalty?

General Burkhalter

Disloyalty? No. Stupidity, yes.

Those staff officers, they are so clever.

General Burkhalter

Klink! I am a staff officer!

I didn't mean you, sir; you're not clever. [Burkhalter glares at him.] You're clever, sir! You're clever!

General Burkhalter

Shut up, Klink.

Oh, what an unexpected pleasure, Herr General!

General Burkhalter

Actually, I had no intention of stopping here. But there was a bombing attack on the road that started me thinking-

Oh, what a brilliant idea! Now only a man of your experience could-

General Burkhalter

[Smiles] Klink? Shut up and let me finish.

Of course Herr General. Excuse me.

General Burkhalter

I suppose you are curious about that. [Gestures to the flat rectangular box his men brought in.]

Well, naturally, I-

General Burkhalter

It's a gift.

Thank you, Herr General! Thank you very much!

General Burkhalter

It's not for you.

Really? What a marvelous sense of humor.

General Burkhalter

I've just been to Paris on military business.

Of course, of course.

General Burkhalter

While I was there, I realized that Goering's birthday is only a few weeks away!

Oh, yes, sir, I know, I have the date right here in my calendar!

General Burkhalter

You would.

General Burkhalter

Gentlemen, this is most embarrassing. In broad daylight-

I still think we should send a squad to look-

General Burkhalter

Shut up, Klink. Right in the middle of Germany.

And not a trace of him!

Well, this never would've happened had I-

General Burkhalter

Klink! He could be anywhere by now.

Yes, Herr General. But, General, may I suggest-

General Burkhalter

Be careful you don't suggest yourself all the way to the Russian Front!

I order you to make immediate arrangements for my exchange! Those are my orders. Carry them out.

Such a loud signal! The English must have an excellent transmitter.

General Burkhalter

[Glares at Klink] We have an excellent receiver.

Hogan

That was Field Marshal von Heinke. May we have your reply immediately?

General Burkhalter

I guess we have no choice.

That voice. I have heard it somewhere before.

General Burkhalter

Certainly, dummkopf! That's von Heinke!

No, Herr General, the other voice. Hogan... that's Hogan! One of my prisoners, right here! [In the barracks, Carter hears Klink through a listening device and hands it to Hogan, who hurries over to the camp office.] Now, gentlemen, I am convinced something is wrong. General Burkhalter, with all due respect to you, I think this may be a false message.

General Burkhalter

A false message?

Now, it would take me just one minute to find- [Turns around and sees Hogan.] Hogan!

Hogan

Yes?

General Burkhalter

You thought he was on the radio?

What are you doing here?

Hogan

Sergeant Schultz told me one of our planes was missing.

General, I still think it is possible that the message on the radio was not the genuine article.

Newkirk

Generals of the Third Reich, this is the Prime Minister speaking. We offer you this exchange in the full expectation for you to reply in an honourable manner. We in turn, will fulfill our part of the bargain. We await your immediate reply in order that we may speedily affect this arrangement to our mutual satisfaction.

General Burkhalter

Inform Communications... we accept. [looks at Klink] Unless, Klink, you thought that was Hogan, too?

Klink

Now, with all due respect to Captain Kurz, General, I am not in in need of an adjutant.

General Burkhalter

The Captain is a very able man.

Klink

Oh, I'm sure that he is, but that doesn't change my feelings!

General Burkhalter

And he's also my brother-in-law.

Klink

Oh, your brother in law. By marriage?

General Burkhalter

Yes, that's the usual way.

General Burkhalter

This is Colonel Stieffer of the SS. He has a special assignment for you.

Klink

A pleasure, Colonel. A real pleasure. Whatever I can do for the SS will be a real privilege. And I am deeply moved by being chosen for this task! I know that this handshake will be the beginning of a long and lasting friendship!

The SS has no friends.

Klink

Yes, sir, I think you've got a good idea on that. After all, when you add what you spend on dinner parties, luncheons, gifts- who needs the expense of friendship, when a little hatred doesn't cost you a cent?

General Burkhalter

Let Colonel Stieffer talk for a change.

Klink

Yes, sir. Schutltz! Not another word out of you until the Colonel is finished.

We have a very special prisoner we're turning over to you. And we expect you to make sure he doesn't escape.

Klink

Sir, I can assure you, no one has ever escaped from Stalag 13.

So far he's escaped from nine of your camps since his capture.

Klink

Well, he won't be leaving here so easily!

General Burkhalter

If he does, you will be leaving yourself. Carrying snow shoes and a Russian road map!

General Burkhalter

This is a most important and secret meeting.

I understand, General Burkhalter.

General Burkhalter

I doubt it.

General Burkhalter

The idea of Klink being a British agent is ridiculous!

Ya, I could not believe it myself, but you were here. You heard the phone ring. You saw me write down the message, so you know I'm not crazy.

General Burkhalter

Yes, I heard the phone ring. I saw you say "mares eat oats." And I watched you eat a wad of paper.

Hochstetter

The plans, you gave him the plans!

General Burkhalter

Those plans are for a dirigible, a big bag filled with hot air, just like you!