Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter quotes from Hogan's Heroes

Major Hochstetter

(Said many times) Who is this man?!

Hochstetter

But this is can't be. I just sent the report that the "Englishman" was sent across the Channel earlier this morning protected by the Luftwaffe... [realizes] KLINK! I WILL mention you in my report!

Hochstetter

[watching the prisoners celebrate the "end" of World War II] Look at them. We've told them they can go, and they're having such a good time they don't want to leave!

Hochstetter

Klink! You are succeeding to do by yourself what millions of Allied soldiers are unable to do. Bring the Third Reich to it's knees! Bahhhhh!

Major Hochstetter

Kommandant Klink: a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.

Major Hochstetter

Well, now, Klink, are you ready to hand him over to me?

Major Hochstetter! A new order is coming, a new order! One which will sweep vermin like you into the delousing station of history!

You are under arrest. Schultz!

Major Hochstetter

You are mad, Klink!

Take him away!

In Heaven's name.

Hochstetter

Group Captain Roberts- Leutnant Baumann.

He could be my twin!

Klink

In a way he is! He is!

Hochstetter

Fantastic.

Klink

They do wonderful plastic surgery! I had this friend in Dusseldorf. A Mrs. Schmidt; charming woman. Slight sag around the chin, but you know how it is. Anyway, see saw this surgeon. He advised her-

Hochstetter

[visibly annoyed] Not now, Klink.

This is monstrous.

Hochstetter

The Leutnant looked a great deal like you from the start, but the surgeons have done a remarkable job, no?

[realizing] The pictures. That's why you took those pictures of me.

Yes, indeed, Group Captain. From the beginning it's been rather a lark. Jolly good fun, actually.

He's even imitated my voice. Of course, the recordings.

Hochstetter

Well, I am satisfied.

Klink

So am I.

Hochstetter

I'm glad. I don't think we need to attend to Group Captain Roberts any longer, Colonel.

Klink

Of course not, Major! I think it's time we moved him to slightly less comfortable quarters, but, shall we say, more colourful?

Whatever it is your planning, you won't get away with it. I promise you that.

Hochstetter

Now, is everything crystal clear?

Klink

Major, it cannot fail because it is simplicity itself.

Hochstetter

Exactly. I knew you would understand anything simple, Klink.

Klink

Oh, thank you, sir.

Colonel Klink, Colonel Hogan has requested to see you.

Klink

By all means, let him come in.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink

Our fish is nibbling at the bait.

Hochstetter

My fish.

Hogan

Colonel Klink.

Klink

Yes, Hogan, what is it, what is it?

Hogan

You have a new prisoner, Group Captain James Roberts, RAF. I want to see him.

Hochstetter

He wants to see the prisoner. That's not surprising.

Klink

That's not surprising.

Hogan

Of course, now that I've made the request, I'm sure you'll deny it.

Hochstetter

He says we'll deny it. We will?

Klink

We will?

Hogan

As senior officer here, I'm entitled to talk to any new prisoner brought into this stalag, and you know it. If I'm not allowed to see him, it'll be in direct violation of the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention, and I'll make a formal complaint to the Red Cross and the protecting power.

Hochstetter

Very well, you may see the prisoner.

Klink

You may see the prisoner.

Hogan

And believe me, when word gets back to the big boys on our side, you'll see what happens to Ger-(pause) What did you say?

Hochstetter

I said you may see the prisoner anytime you like.

Klink

There you are, Hogan. Your request has been granted.

Hogan

You guys ought to give me a little notice when you're going to do something decent.

Klink

Really?

Hogan

Yeah. I faint very easily.

Klink

Are you here on business, or is this a social call?

Hochstetter

I don't pay anybody a "social call"!

Klink

What can I do for you, Major Hochstetter?

Hochstetter

Are you aware that last Monday night an American plane dropped a bomb on Gestapo headquarters? Demolished the building, wiped out the garrison, killed Kommandant Heydrich, knocked the Fuehrer's picture off the wall, and... everything!

Klink

No, I was playing cards with Captain Bruennschmier.

Hochstetter

It is a great personal loss to me.

Klink

It was a great personal loss to me; he took me for fifty Marks!

Hochstetter

But the antiaircraft shot down the bomber...

Klink

That's good.

Hochstetter

But, the crew parachuted to safety...

Klink

Ooh, that's bad!

Hochstetter

But, we know where they are hiding.

Klink

That's good! Where?

Hochstetter

Here.

Klink

Here? Impossible!

Hochstetter

Impossible? We shall see. I am ordering my men to search every inch of this camp.

Klink

Sir! I am Kommandant of Stalag 13!

Hochstetter

That is exactly why I am ordering the search.

Hogan

You wanted to see me, sir? Oh, sorry, sir; I didn't realize you had company.

Hochstetter

The Gestapo is not "company".

Hogan

Frankly, I never thought much of 'em myself.

Klink

Hogan, you will show a little respect for Major Hochstetter!

Hogan

Just a little, sir?

Klink

I mean a lot of respect! Hogan, please don't twist my words.

Hochstetter

Tell me, Colonel, what do you know about... the Manhattan Project? What is it?

Hogan

Maybe they're selling the island back to the Indians?

Hochstetter

The 504th Bomb Group was assigned to the Manhattan Project. Is that right?

Hogan

Were they?

Hochstetter

You should know. You commanded the 504th Bomb Group.

Hogan

Did I?

Hochstetter

They have been taken out of combat and sent back to the States for special training. Correct?

Hogan

How 'bout that!

Klink

Those are not answers!

Hochstetter

Klink! Colonel, may I remind you that the Gestapo can be very unfriendly. Very unfriendly.

Hogan

You know, I've heard that. And I've often wondered: What's a nice guy like you doing in an outfit like that?

Hochstetter

Of course we could give you the time to think it over, in a special cell we have. It is not big enough to stand up in, and it is not big enough to lie down in.

Hogan

Sounds like a hotel room I once had in Cleveland.

Hochstetter

During the day, the the temperature is 140 degrees. And at night, it is below freezing.

Hogan

That's the hotel, all right!

Hochstetter

Klink!

Klink

Major Hochstetter!

Hochstetter

What are these men doing here?

Newkirk

I'm his personal physician.

Lebeau

I'm his night nurse.

Klink

What can I do for you, Major?

Hochstetter

For the next 48 hours, no one is to go in or out of this camp. And you are ordered immediately to double your security force.

Klink

Double the security force?

Hogan

With his record?

Hochstetter

(miffed) What are these men doing here?!

Klink

He's right, sir. There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.

Hochstetter

We have reason to believe there's a girl from the French underground in this area.

Klink

A French girl?

Hochstetter

This is a piece of cloth from a garment she wore.

Klink

Hmm. That's interesting. Very interesting.

Hochstetter

Tomorrow, at precisely 3:00, we are bringing in tracking dogs especially trained by the Gestapo. It is possible this girl is hiding in this very camp.

Klink

Oh, no, sir.

Hogan

Impossible.

Lebeau

Ridiculous.

Hochstetter

(full out Hochstetter angry) What are these men doing here?!?!

Klink

Sir, do you think the tracking dogs are necessary?

Hochstetter

Yes, I think they're necessary!

Klink

Yes, sir, I think they're necessary, too. A very wise move. I shall cooperate with you to the fullest, Major Hochstetter. (Hogan "accidentally" spills liquid on Hochstetter's shoe)

Hogan

Clumsy! Here, let me wipe that up for you.(Hogan uses cloth to clean the fluid, ruining the girl's scent on the cloth to throw off the dogs.)

Hochstetter

Are you crazy?

Hogan

I'm sorry. That's what you're using to find the girl.

Hogan

Anything wrong, sir?

Klink

Hogan, get out of here!

Hochstetter

I WANT THAT MAN IN HERE!

Klink

My feelings exactly, Major Hochstetter!

Hochstetter

Colonel Hogan, we have crossed swords before, and I have had my suspicions about you. But now, my feeling is much stronger.

Hogan

Glad you finally cleared me, sir.

Hochstetter

Exactly. Eighteen men have escaped from Stalag 6. Eight of them I have recaptured.

Klink

Excellent work, Major Hochstetter! But may I point out that here at Stalag 13 we have no such problem. Never an escape, never so much as- [Hochstetter glares at Klink] as-as- until today, sir... but that was an official transfer...

Hochstetter

Of the eight men I captured, one talked. He claims they were all heading for Stalag 13. Do you have any idea why?

Hogan

Bad sense of direction?

Hochstetter

I do not think so.

Klink

Major Hochstetter, why would escaped prisoners be headed for another prison camp?

Hochstetter

That is exactly what I intend to find out! I shall surround this camp with a ring of steel! Anyone trying to get out will be caught! Anyone trying to get IN will be caught!

Klink

Major Hochstetter, rest assured, you have my complete cooperation.

Hochstetter

I do not want your cooperation. All I want from you is to stop giving guns to prisoners! I will deal with all of you! Later!

Klink

Major Hochstetter, may I point out that my relationship with the Gestapo has always been the most cordial-

Hochstetter

BAH!