Colonel Klink quotes from Hogan's Heroes

It is impossible to hide a tank! Therefore I suspect you! (in regards to Col. Hogan and his men hiding the Tiger tank)

Yesterday, I was only worried about the Russian front, today it looks like paradise. Hogan, what am I going to do?

I don't think I'll have any trouble getting him off with the death penalty.

What an honor to have you here --

Where is my tank, Klink?

Hasn't it come back yet?

No. Klink, I released a tank to you to put down a riot by prisoners. I see no riot, I see no tank! All I see is a Colonel about to become Corporal!

Please, General -- it will turn up! I have searched the barracks, the surrounding areas, the prisoners--

[sarcastically]: The prisoners? Nobody had it in his pocket?! We are talking about a Tiger tank Klink!! Not a toy dump truck!

(Shaking his head)

Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.

Schultz

Me, too, Herr Komman…

I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front.

Schultz

Boy, are you running the camp!

What was that?!

Colonel Hogan

Sounded like a staff car blowing up.

Colonel Hogan

Coincidence, another staff car blowing up."

You knew those cars were going to blow up! How?

Colonel Hogan

It's obvious sir, the Wehrmacht and Gestapo double-crossed each other.

Do you expect me to believe that?

Colonel Hogan

No sir, but it'll look neater in your report to Berlin.

General, what is it?

Are my eyes deceiving me? No, it couldn't be- [Turns to Klink] That sergeant standing over there-?

You mean Schultz?

It is! Hans!

Schultz

Can it be? Ach, du lieber! Lieutenant Kammler!

How good to see you!

Schultz

Oh, Lieutenant! Ah, you are a General!

Yes, yes, and you are a sergeant- well, Germany makes lots of mistakes.

Schultz

No mistake. You were always a very bright boy!

We fought together in the first war. At the Ardennes, and at Ypres. I was just a young lieutenant; I didn't know anything at all. Schultz saved my life.

Charming!

Yes, yes. Charming.

And here we are, Hans, two German soldiers fighting another war!

Schultz

Keeps us out of trouble!

Herr Reichsführer, if we only wait until Colonel Backscheider gets back...

He is on the way?

Oh, yes, sir!

Well, hurry!

Oh, Captain Müller, excuse me... Colonel Hogan? I thought I saw Colonel Hogan.

Do I look like a 'Colonel Hogan'?

Oh, no, sir! Not at all! It's just that since I've been to Paris, I seem to only see and hear... [Laughs nervously, then looks to Müller] This wouldn't be Reichsführer Himmler! [Looks back to 'Himmler', suddenly very nervous] Would it?

Who is this man?

Ex-Commandant Klink, your excellency, from Stalag 13. Suspected of complicity in the Tiger matter.

Your excellency, I am completely innocent! All I've done- with the exception of some harmless delusions- all I've done is come to Paris on my seven-day leave and never had such misery, sir. Never.

When is your leave up?

Tomorrow, sir!

[To Müller] Let him out.

Oh, thank you, sir! Your reputation for generosity and fairness-

Let him out?!

Tomorrow.

Those staff officers, they are so clever.

General Burkhalter

Klink! I am a staff officer!

I didn't mean you, sir; you're not clever. [Burkhalter glares at him.] You're clever, sir! You're clever!

General Burkhalter

Shut up, Klink.

Oh, what an unexpected pleasure, Herr General!

General Burkhalter

Actually, I had no intention of stopping here. But there was a bombing attack on the road that started me thinking-

Oh, what a brilliant idea! Now only a man of your experience could-

General Burkhalter

[Smiles] Klink? Shut up and let me finish.

Of course Herr General. Excuse me.

General Burkhalter

I suppose you are curious about that. [Gestures to the flat rectangular box his men brought in.]

Well, naturally, I-

General Burkhalter

It's a gift.

Thank you, Herr General! Thank you very much!

General Burkhalter

It's not for you.

Really? What a marvelous sense of humor.

General Burkhalter

I've just been to Paris on military business.

Of course, of course.

General Burkhalter

While I was there, I realized that Goering's birthday is only a few weeks away!

Oh, yes, sir, I know, I have the date right here in my calendar!

General Burkhalter

You would.

General Burkhalter

Gentlemen, this is most embarrassing. In broad daylight-

I still think we should send a squad to look-

General Burkhalter

Shut up, Klink. Right in the middle of Germany.

And not a trace of him!

Well, this never would've happened had I-

General Burkhalter

Klink! He could be anywhere by now.

Yes, Herr General. But, General, may I suggest-

General Burkhalter

Be careful you don't suggest yourself all the way to the Russian Front!

I order you to make immediate arrangements for my exchange! Those are my orders. Carry them out.

Such a loud signal! The English must have an excellent transmitter.

General Burkhalter

[Glares at Klink] We have an excellent receiver.

Hogan

That was Field Marshal von Heinke. May we have your reply immediately?

General Burkhalter

I guess we have no choice.

That voice. I have heard it somewhere before.

General Burkhalter

Certainly, dummkopf! That's von Heinke!

No, Herr General, the other voice. Hogan... that's Hogan! One of my prisoners, right here! [In the barracks, Carter hears Klink through a listening device and hands it to Hogan, who hurries over to the camp office.] Now, gentlemen, I am convinced something is wrong. General Burkhalter, with all due respect to you, I think this may be a false message.

General Burkhalter

A false message?

Now, it would take me just one minute to find- [Turns around and sees Hogan.] Hogan!

Hogan

Yes?

General Burkhalter

You thought he was on the radio?

What are you doing here?

Hogan

Sergeant Schultz told me one of our planes was missing.

General, I still think it is possible that the message on the radio was not the genuine article.

Newkirk

Generals of the Third Reich, this is the Prime Minister speaking. We offer you this exchange in the full expectation for you to reply in an honourable manner. We in turn, will fulfill our part of the bargain. We await your immediate reply in order that we may speedily affect this arrangement to our mutual satisfaction.

General Burkhalter

Inform Communications... we accept. [looks at Klink] Unless, Klink, you thought that was Hogan, too?

Do you not find it strange that a captured enemy airplane can disappear, and then reappear?

Hogan

Well, it has been very windy, sir.

[Standing outside the closed office door] Your excellency, I had no idea! A promotion? To Berlin?!

Carter

[As Hitler] You still have no idea. Listen carefully. In my inner circle I can trust no one. Himmler will double-cross me like a shot, Goebbels' eyes are too close together, and Goering is too fat! Never trust a fat man, Klink!

Indeed, your excellency! Never trust a fat man!

Carter

But I am getting tired of my burden. There is no gratitude. In a few weeks, I will appoint a successor. The one man in the whole miserable Third Reich who has proven worthy of my trust! YOU, Klink!

Your excellency. I will try to be worthy of it! Heil Hitler!