Cpl. Peter Newkirk quotes from Hogan's Heroes

Newkirk

It's a vintage wine. Aged almost 2 weeks.

Newkirk

So that's the setup, General. Maybe I shouldn't speak up like this, but, well, I just wanted you to know how we all feel about Colonel Hogan. And you can't put me in jail for it 'cause legally speakin' I'm in jail already.

Newkirk

What're you doing after the broadcast, sweetheart?

Newkirk

A gift for the one man who's got everything. An ammo dump.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk

Steal a German tank?!

Col. Robert E. Hogan

We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.

Well, how do we get ahold of it?

Cpl. Louis LeBeau

How do we get it in here?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk

Where are we going to hide a tank?

Sgt. Andrew Carter

Where do we take it apart?

Col. Robert E. Hogan

Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Hogan

We're gonna build the bridge with a very special feature.

Newkirk

What do you mean by that?

Hogan

It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.

Hogan

Newkirk, what about a civilian suit this time for me?

Newkirk

Righto, guv'nor, you got it.

Hogan

Good. 'Civilian.' What a beautiful word. Next to 'girls.'

Newkirk

Colonel, don't you ever think about anything else but dames?

Hogan

Of course I do, but I fight it.

Hogan

If only we could knock (the guns) out.

Carter

Hey! Maybe hand grenades could do some damage!

Newkirk

They're 15 miles from here, at least.

Kinchloe

Well, I'll warm up my pitching arm....

Hogan

What are the forgery boys working on?

Kinchloe

Raffle tickets. We've been selling them to the Krauts.

Hogan

Raffle tickets?

Newkirk

They're for an all-expenses-paid trip to New Orleans in time for Mardi Gras. It's for after the war.

Hogan

I think we can get to Bonuccelli.

Lebeau

How are you going to do that?

Hogan

Work on his weaknesses.

Newkirk

Italians are very sentimental.

Carter

And they love music.

Kinchloe

Anybody know the words to Santa Lucia?

Newkirk

I'll bet even the Germans eat a lot of pizza in Capezio, blimey?

Yes, they do! ... Yes, they do.

Hogan

Off-hand, how many pizzas do the Germans eat, figuring 2 pizzas a German?

That's a secret... 2 pizzas, one German? 106,000.

Hogan

106,000? (Thinks)

Just divide by 2.

I could be shot for being a spy.

Newkirk

You're not really a spy, you'd be in uniform.

In uniform, they'd shoot me for being a traitor. Please, not while I'm eating.

Hogan

Just think what you'd be doing for your country. It could help shorten the war in Italy.

It could also shorten my life.

Burkhalter

This is all so unnecessary! I was thinking of retiring! I was just saying to Hilda, that who would succeed me, but one of you two? My dearest friends!

Newkirk

What of Klink?

Burkhalter

Forget him! He's to be shot! I never could stand the man!

Klink

[Outside] Burmeister! Bussie! You're surrounded! Come out with your hands up!

Burkhalter

What a wonderful friend!

LeBeau

I say we do it to him before he does it to us.

Newkirk

Right. Knock him off.

Hogan

Hey, you can't just go around knocking off German officers; the ones that're left start asking embarrassing questions.

Klink

Repoooort!

Schultz

Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.

Klink

Good. Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.

Newkirk

Hey, they're gonna surrender!

LeBeau

Good move!

Carter

Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender!

Who told you?

Carter

I just heard it!

Klink

Colonel Hogan, control your men!

Hogan

I can't, sir, the news of your surrender is-

Klink

Who said anything about a surrender?

Hogan

You did.

Klink

When?

Hogan

Just now, you used the word yourself.

Klink

Only to deny it!

Hogan

Well, I had to start somewhere.

Klink

Silence!

Hogan

Okay, men, the surrender's off!

Klink

Now I've just had word that General Stauffen of the Fuehrer's headquarters will personally visit Stalag 13. I expect every prisoner in this camp to clean up and look neat.

Newkirk

Can't do it. Somebody stole me mascara brush!