Andrew Carter quotes from Hogan's Heroes

Carter

[as Hitler] Everything I do is a surprise, even to me!

Carter

You know, you can say what you like about the Nazis, but anyone who built a rocket fuel depot in our reach can't be all bad.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk

Steal a German tank?!

Col. Robert E. Hogan

We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.

Well, how do we get ahold of it?

Cpl. Louis LeBeau

How do we get it in here?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk

Where are we going to hide a tank?

Sgt. Andrew Carter

Where do we take it apart?

Col. Robert E. Hogan

Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Hogan

Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on?

Carter

Reversible tie pins. On one side it says "Heil Hitler". On the other, "I was in Switzerland during the war".

Carter

Cheer up Schultz. Maybe they'll send you to a good post.

Schultz

Well maybe they're going to send me to the Russian Front.

Carter

Well if they transfer you close to home, you'll be able to see your wife more often.

Schultz

All of a sudden the Russian Front sounds very good.

Hogan

If only we could knock (the guns) out.

Carter

Hey! Maybe hand grenades could do some damage!

Newkirk

They're 15 miles from here, at least.

Kinchloe

Well, I'll warm up my pitching arm....

Hogan

I think we can get to Bonuccelli.

Lebeau

How are you going to do that?

Hogan

Work on his weaknesses.

Newkirk

Italians are very sentimental.

Carter

And they love music.

Kinchloe

Anybody know the words to Santa Lucia?

Schultz

Carter, please. You could put me into lots of trouble. They might send me to the Eastern Front.

Carter

Gee, I wouldn't want that to happen.

Schultz

That's not the worst of it. They might give me 10 days leave!

Carter

What's wrong with that, for pete's sake?

Schultz

I would have to spend it with my wife.

Klink

Repoooort!

Schultz

Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.

Klink

Good. Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.

Newkirk

Hey, they're gonna surrender!

LeBeau

Good move!

Carter

Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender!

Who told you?

Carter

I just heard it!

Klink

Colonel Hogan, control your men!

Hogan

I can't, sir, the news of your surrender is-

Klink

Who said anything about a surrender?

Hogan

You did.

Klink

When?

Hogan

Just now, you used the word yourself.

Klink

Only to deny it!

Hogan

Well, I had to start somewhere.

Klink

Silence!

Hogan

Okay, men, the surrender's off!

Klink

Now I've just had word that General Stauffen of the Fuehrer's headquarters will personally visit Stalag 13. I expect every prisoner in this camp to clean up and look neat.

Newkirk

Can't do it. Somebody stole me mascara brush!

Schultz

There's a new general in command of the military district. Tomorrow, he will be here for inspection.

Hogan

I can hardly wait.

Schultz

The orders are to clean up the barracks-

-Clean up the compound, and clean up yourself!

Klink

Ah, General Burkhalter, you're just in time! The Fuehrer has just made a surprise visit to Stalag 13!

General Burkhalter

The Fuehrer, here?

Klink

And in an excellent mood!

General Burkhalter

I must greet him at once!

Carter

I would have won the war a long time ago if it wasn't for my generals! All they do is eat, and have good times!

Hogan

Really?

Carter

Ja. I have one general who looks like a stuffed goose! But believe me, one day, the goose will hang high, BY HIS EARS!

General Burkhalter

On second thought, perhaps I will see the Fuehrer some other time.

Hogan

Carter, will you watch it?

Carter

Sorry, I'm not too good with ears.

Hogan

If you don't mind, I've gotten used to having one on each side of my head!

Hogan

Carter, pull over in case that laboratory wants to pass us.

Carter

Oh, it's not gonna pass us. It's gonna go straight up. See, with that kinda structure, the-

Hogan

Carter, forget it, forget it. Keep driving.

[Standing outside the closed office door] Your excellency, I had no idea! A promotion? To Berlin?!

Carter

[As Hitler] You still have no idea. Listen carefully. In my inner circle I can trust no one. Himmler will double-cross me like a shot, Goebbels' eyes are too close together, and Goering is too fat! Never trust a fat man, Klink!

Indeed, your excellency! Never trust a fat man!

Carter

But I am getting tired of my burden. There is no gratitude. In a few weeks, I will appoint a successor. The one man in the whole miserable Third Reich who has proven worthy of my trust! YOU, Klink!

Your excellency. I will try to be worthy of it! Heil Hitler!

Hogan

There must be a way. Think for a minute.

Newkirk

Hey, I've got a solution, sir. Why don't we all go to bed and mind our own business?

Hogan

He always comes up with something, doesn't he?

Carter

Why doesn't one of us just open the door and walk out there? And if somebody stops us, we just say we're goin' for a walk!

LeBeau

Just like that, huh?

Carter

Sure! Casually! It's gotta work because it's simple.

Hogan

If it's so simple, you go ahead and do it.

Carter

Me?

Hogan

It's your idea. Just tell the guy you're out for a walk.

Carter

Right.

Hogan

Just put it anywhere.